Jersey Shore coined a number of catchphrases, from "I'm going to the Jersey Shore, bitch" to "Gym-Tan-Laundry" to "DJ Pauly, you look just like a Goomba today" (my addition). The wisest line of all, however, is being retooled as a new book by Jersey Shore housemates Ronnie and J-WOWW. Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore promises Seaside Heights survival skills and tips on maintaining that perfect, burnt sienna sheen and dagger-like haircut. But wait, now, Madam Woww: Movieline has three unanswered Jersey Shore questions it wants acknowledged, and you're the only one who can herpe help.
1. What's the full history between JWOWW and The Situation?
Mike "The Situation" claims that JWOWW hooked up with him. Fair enough, but JWOWW also whomped on Le Sitch's humanoid face during one especially heated confrontation. Did sexual history fuel the proceedings? Did JWOWW and The Situation really bump situations in the dark? And whose situation looked more like a slug belching under the Death Valley sun? This should be addressed in the prologue.
2. Who schemed to evict Angelina?
It was clear from the get-go that the lamest cast member, Angelina, needed to displace her unresolved feelings in Hefty bags and personally cart them to an off-camera therapist forever. Her departure was so sudden that I wonder if Ronnie, JWOWW, Snooki, The Situation, and even Vinny didn't help her out the day she hid from her boss and was "fired" from the show. Were they responsible for her canning? If so, do they know how much we appreciate their work?
3. What does Snooki look like under her snookup?
Snooki reminds me of a chapter in Louis Sachar's children's book Sideways Stories from Wayside School, where a new student named Sammy joins the class. Sammy wears multiple raincoats and emanates an odor, and soon the other kids realize that Sammy's not a person at all, but actually "a dead rat living in the basement" pretending to be a student. If you replaced "raincoats" with "Chicken McNugget skins" and replaced "dead rat" with "Caucasian 2'9" woman with calligraphic eyebrows," you'd have Snooki. I want candid photos of young Snooki! I want old photos! New photos of Snooki in her original-recipe state! But that's where I want the exclusives to end. I don't want to know anything else about her unfortunate history with selling alcohol to minors.
What's that smell? Why, it's just a bit of Jersey Shore in your bookcase [EW]