Last night's massive ABC special The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's Wedding united two troubadours of love. We had Jason Mesnick, who once valiantly tried to marry someone else, and his new bride Molly Malaney, who was still available for his call. Movieline's TVLine department had much to say about the epic, rain-drenched nuptials.
General Reactions
Louis: How many times did you tear up during the Bachelor wedding, Julie? Please round to the nearest hundred.
Julie: None, although Chris Harrison did almost get me after EACH commercial break when he'd remind us, "Guys, it's about to rain on the most important day of Jason and Molly's lives!!!!! Can you believe it?!?!?!" Also, I'd like to point out that the very first line of voice-over was a major turn-off for me: "Once upon a time, there was a handsome single father from Seattle looking for love. He dated 25 beautiful women in search of his soulmate."
Louis: That sounds like the beginning of Unsolved Mysteries. "And then he decided those 25 women needed to be set on fire."
Julie: I feel like there should have been a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen for the entire program: "Everyone in this program is a paid actor. What you are watching is not real."
Louis: Speaking of not real: I was tickled when Chris mentioned that this was "one of the most anticipated weddings in history." Albert and Victoria. Charles and Diana. Two serial daters who don't blink enough. History books, get ready.
Pre-Wedding
Julie: Can we talk about how ABC's cameras managed to catch every major milestone of Jason and Molly's relationship? The first time Molly makes brownies with Jason's son! Crossword puzzles over coffee! That time Molly visits -- and then has to say the "hardest goodbye of her life."Molly moves to Seattle -- and redecorates!
Louis: The hardships they faced! They kept being brought up!... What were they, again? Like when Jason wanted to marry that other girl?
Julie: There was a really heavy moment during Jason's tuxedo fitting. By the way, did we see Jason's ex at any point?
Louis: I do not believe so. You know -- maybe I don't trust this guy!
Julie: Why not, Louis? He is a handsome single father living in Seattle. Just like Tom Hanks in one of the best romantic comedies of our time.
Louis: Let's not be cynical. We have every reason to put faith in a man who describes his wife as "I just love her." He has a handle on her heart. He has a real hold on it. A chokehold. A heart-nelson. He's putting the suplex on her heart for three points.
Julie: And any couple who walks down the aisle to Jason Castro's musical stylings is destined to last an eternity together.
Louis: Oh, we'll get to that. What about the veteran bachelors and bachelorettes they showed? Did they melt you with rayguns full of chemistry?
The Veterans
Julie: That was the sorriest segment -- "Look at all of the former Bachelor couples who haven't broken up yet."
Louis: "Jake and Vienna are so excited about these two! They're so in love and feeding each other and it's been eleven minutes of high times."
Julie: Of all the couples shown last night, I give Jake and Vienna the least lasting potential. Charlie and (whatever her name is) obviously hate each other, but I feel like they'll stay together to cash in on a Bachelor wedding. They're the Bachelor franchise's black sheep though because they broke up for a year "to grow."
Louis: I loved that. Loved it. As for Trista and Ryan, they made kids and suddenly this isn't funny anymore.
Julie: Remember when Ryan was just a Colorado firefighter who didn't know any better than to work towards Trista's love, one white tiger illustration at a time. He wore his heart on his sleeve and now his inner white tiger is trapped in ABC's captivity hell.
The Wedding
Louis: OK, Julie, you can only pick one favorite part of their wedding. Some available options: 1) Jason Castro being alive. 2) Molly stopping mid-vows for a moment of humorless weather damning. 3) God himself almost swept this whole thing into the sea.
Julie: This is hard, but I think I'm going to have to tie between 4) Jason embellishing Molly's bridal bouquet with the timeless phrase "Babe, our forever starts now" and 5) Jason's best man (wearing a madras sport jacket) at the bachelor party totally razzing Jason about how many girls he has proposed to. Which is your favorite?
Louis: If we're talking post-wedding, I relished when Molly called the Bellagio fountain "one of the most romantic places on Earth," or whatever. But Jason Castro singing rainbow anthems like a rasta Tiny Tim is still tops.
Julie: That moment felt so real to me. Do you think they had five choices of musical artists? Or was Jason Castro REALLY their first pick?
Louis: I have a sneaking suspicion Jason Castro was not their first pick. It's so hard to book Staind in the spring!
Julie: Almost forgot: I also love that there was a C story -- about the pesky paps.
Louis: Those extra two cameras made Jason self-conscious, you could tell.
And Will They Last?
Julie: There was a f*cking rainbow right before the ceremony. If that doesn't mean "everlasting union," I don't know what does.
Louis: Right, and the insane amount of white cushioned seating accidentally spelled out "eternity," too, I bet.
Julie: On a semi-serious note, I feel like they could last. They both seem giddy, easygoing (as long as their million dollar wedding is being paid for) and annoyingly optimistic.
Louis: They're two utterly generic people, which could mean they last awhile. Can you picture them having kids though?
Julie: No, I feel like Molly is definitely infertile.
Louis: HA.
Julie: (Maybe that's not PC?) I feel like they will have kids, but they won't be genetically Molly's. You do the math.
Louis: I think they're going to find other ciphers who do a better job of tumbling in the grass and laughing into each others' mouths. They were both kind of average at it.
Julie: Can we have doves at our civil ceremony? Rather, can we release doves at our civil ceremony?
Louis: Baby, Our Dove-Bordered Forever Starts Now.
Julie: Yes!
Louis: Ukulele outro.