It's safe to say American Idol's five best female contestants outshine and outclass all of Tuesday night's dudes. I don't mean to downplay the fetal finesse of Aaron Kelly or the Kodiak growls of Lee Dewyze, but the ladies have a lock on season nine. Their rankings -- and my confusion with the judges' love of a certain wizardress -- after the jump:
10. Haeley Vaughn
"The Climb" is factory-built for talent show moments, so Haeley's wavering, flat take on the Miley jam is especially bad. Her time has come. Climb down the mountain and jump off the grappling hook into the lifeboat, dear.
9. Lacey Brown
Lacey Brown is a cute little thing who might be 50 years old, but at least "Kiss Me" was an appropriately youthful, whimsical number. Unfortunately, she sounds exactly like Sixpence None the Richer's chanteuse, and she added nothing to the studio version besides some pitch issues. Simon's bearded barley stood on end during the worst moments.
8. Lilly Scott
Did I mishear the judges? Were they showering praise on this songless, self-indulgent rendition of "A Change is Gonna Come"? Look, I have a very illustrious past of respecting wizard hair and gypsy earrings, but this wasn't even memorable. Whatever Kara said was the most infuriating part.
7. Katie Stevens
With all due respect to Katie's obvious talent, she's lent nothing singular to the competition other than long, dark, straight hair. From last week's "Feelin' Good" to this week's "Put Your Records On," she's only proven that her taste is boring.
6. Paige Miles
Her version of Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away" was fine. Whatever. But let's discuss Kara's reaction to the performance, where she warned, "If you knew who I wrote that song about, you wouldn't be smiling." That's the single most terrible, unqualified reaction I've heard this season. For a judge who seems bent on making contestants "interpret" songs, Kara is downright puritanical about how correct an interpretation is. Now I wonder if whenever Kara claims a contestant doesn't "connect" to a song, she actually means the contestant didn't squint during the emotional parts, or stamp a foot during a power note. Her criticisms may be more superficial than I already thought! A Herculean feat, in my eyes.
5. Michelle Delamor
Now, I dressed Scott Stapp in a jester's outfit and bricked his drunken body into a catacomb for a very specific reason: I did not want Michelle Delamor to cover a Creed song. When she whipped out "With Arms Wide Open," I closed my arms and used my feet to kick spare bottles of Amontillado at the screen. But God strike me dead, she performed it with flair! Unfortunately that's about as much Stapp as I can stand. Quoth common sense, Michelle: Never more.
4. Didi Benami
Bludgeon me with the nearest beach umbrella, because I mostly liked Didi's take on the ancient Bill Withers standard "Lean on Me." There were pitch problems, to be sure, and the song itself is no showstopper, but Randy's admonition about choosing "deep-rooted soul"? Stupid. Or Simon's headmasterly evisceration? Unfounded. Didi gave us stage presence, generally professional vocals, and her brand of torch-singing, and if she's eliminated tonight instead of Haeley Vaughn or Lacey Brown, I start a Johnny Tremain-like march on the CBS lot.
3. Katelyn Epperly
Ellen blew it when she blathered on about the slowness of Katelyn's "The Scientist." For a contestant who seemed to lack definitive identity before this week, Katelyn nailed the Coldplay jam with urgency and restraint, two qualities that most of the gentlemen performers have yet to combine.
2. Siobhan Magnus
First things first: Notice that Siobhan spoke in "Ubbi Dubbi" to Katelyn Epperly during her introduction package. That is what I want in a lunchbox icon. Secondly: what a necessary burst of electricity her "Think" added to the night. For someone whose center of gravity and speaking tempo seem slightly askew, Siobhan dished out a fierce performance punctuated by a Broadway-version glory note. Within two weeks, she's established a fearless, yet blithely polka-dotted persona. Go, light-headed girl, go!
1. Crystal Bowersox
The diabetes-stricken subway performer conquered all last night, catapulting Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Long As I Can See the Light" out of your uncle's petrified tape deck and well into the Seacrestian zeitgeist. A stunning, effortless performance, though I wish we were spared Randy's momentary foray into beat poetry: "Reality is truth; truth is you," he mused, accompanied by the unending bongos in Kara's mind. (Speaking of Kara: She misidentified Crystal's performance from last week, saying she performed "You Oughta Know" instead of "Hand in My Pocket." I'm the jagged little pill who is most offended.)