After Crystal Bowersox staged her own demise and tricked the ever-unprepared male contestants into performing last night, I expected the first day of Idol's Top 10 performances to go over like a lead balloon with Randy Jackson dancing the tarantella on top. Instead, the cooing little bandits improved! I rank the night's performances from worst to best after the jump, where you'll soon find yourself suffering from fetus envy.
10. John Park
The fact that Jermaine Sellers and Tim Urban ranked better than anyone should strike you as an international scandal. But John Park's teary-eyed balladeer skills failed during his performance of John Mayer's "Gravity" as he hit wrong notes and appeared self-conscious. He also hid behind a 2000-and-Late Gosselin haircut. Note to John: You can't try to look sad during a torch song! In the words of any Acting I teacher: You want to LIVE, John!
9. Jermaine Sellers
"What's Goin' On" is not just a great pop song, it's an important one. So when a mic-brandishing imp like Jermaine Sellers gets a hold of it, the screechy results can offend and embarrass and make us wish we'd only heard it through a grapevine. I appreciate his verve and attempt to do something different (an idea the judges continue to encourage and discourage, depending on how Coca-Cola red their mood rings are), but come on. This hurt.
8. Tim Urban
Randy Jackson won the esteemed "Most Senseless Comment of the Night" trophy when he told McFly here that Matt Nathanson's "Come on Get High" made no sense for him. Then pray tell, what does? It's a simple song that even a mediocre voice could tackle. At this point, McFly aspires to "mediocre." When all is said and done, Tim turned in his best possible performance. Even though that's not saying much, no other performer achieved his full potential. Unless "onesie rocking" is a major criterion, of course.
7. Casey James
I expect The Shirtless Old Soul's position on this list to fluctuate often. While he's the least nervous contestant of the bunch, he also has no expectations to fulfill. Furthermore, I hate Gavin Degraw's "I Don't Want to Be" as an Idol performance number. You're forced into copycatting the vocals and keeping up with that sassy-dude melody. Casey's going to sail through to the Top 16, but he needs another cocoa-sweet acoustic jam to keep us baited.
6. Andrew Garcia
I'm grossed out by Ellen and Kara's assertion that Andrew will forever live in the shadow of his Hollywood Week performance of "Straight Up." 1) That performance was not extraordinary. 2) It was a cute choice of song, not a "genius" one, as Kara noted. And 3) You can't build a career from angst-imbued versions of late '80s dance hits. What Ellen and Kara mean to say is: "That Paula Abdul cover made us forget that your generically good voice doesn't make you viable." With James Morrison's "You Give Me Something," Andrew slipped into a realm of forgettable muck usually associated with recent Sheryl Crow albums.
5. Todrick Hall
Perhaps Andrew performed "better" than Todrick in terms of pitch control and general self-restraint, but Todrick's delivery and stage presence seem more suitable for stardom. An ounce of cockiness is what this season of Idol needs, and for that alone I'm whisking Todrick into the upper percentiles of performances with his good (at the end, at least) take on "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Yes, it was totally indulgent, but the only thing "theme park caliber" here -- quoth Simon -- was the lounge-act arrangement.
4. Alex Lambert
Mumbles the Mullet kept down his lunch this afternoon, which is apparently a feat for the nervous little sea-monkey on performance day. His version of John Legend's "Everybody Knows" didn't feature as much quivering and sighing, and for that I'm grateful. Still, I don't like watching a performer and wondering if he's about to yank at his tie, sweat himself into hysterics, and fall to the ground. Once he settles in and realizes that American Idol is as worth getting nervous about as a First Communion, he'll number among the top three gentlemen.
3. Michael Lynche
I don't want Michael Lynche to win. He's too one-dimensional and jocular, frankly, but his version of "It's a Man's, Man's, Man's World" was mostly on-key and undoubtedly soulful. For now, he wins the bronze.
2. Aaron Kelly
The hardest-jiving fetus in all of Sonestown, PA, stepped it up and looked much less like a twitching spelling bee contestant last night. Let's be real -- this kid is the "nice young man" who sings Bobby Darin ballads to folks at the nursing home. That's fine, though hardly bankable. With "My Girl," he sat too long on some of his trills, but otherwise, he performed with more vigor and originality than any other contestant.
1. Lee Dewyze
Lee Dewyze can be described -- with comprehension -- as "a Chris Daughtry rough draft." He's not a burst of freshness, but he's a powerful vocalist. The fact he could rip into Hinder's "Lips of an Angel" and emanate strength and un-stupidity is a marvelous accomplishment. For now, he and Aaron Kelly are the only Top 12 sure things on the guys' side.