Jerry Seinfeld's The Marriage Ref, a "reality" series where celebrities judge commoners' marital disputes and declare a winner, debuted last night on NBC. Movieline's own Louis Virtel and Julie Miller witnessed this and survived. Here's the transcript from their commiseration.
Louis: Oh my God, there's an emergency.
Julie: What?!
Louis: I am going to kill everyone associated with The Marriage Ref. WHAT IS THIS THING?!
Julie: Can we talk about this?
Louis: Let's pick like, 150 problems with it. Or ten or something. Fine, four. Then let's quit.
Julie: OK. Go!
Note: The two couples featured in the first episode offered the following issues: A husband's decision to stuff the dead family dog and display it in the home, and a husband's decision to buy a stripper pole for the living room.
Thoughts on the celebrity judges, including Alec Baldwin, Kelly Ripa, and creator Jerry Seinfeld
Julie: I would rather watch Dr. Drew counsel these couples than Alec Baldwin and Jerry Seinfeld -- who failed to make a single solid joke. I knew the show was tanking when Kelly Ripa was getting the most laughs.
Louis: What's weird to me is how they edit the couples' argument for simple Seinfeldian commentary, and then Jerry has nothing to say! Plus. Jerry, couldn't you have let the couples into the studio in the first 15 minutes? Watching them on tape is so cheap. So America's Funniest Home Videos.
Julie: I am embarrassed that Jerry Seinfeld's name was attached to this project. Kelly Ripa should never do primetime. Alec Baldwin should never do reality.
Louis: What a weird vanity project. Such a backfire.
A word on celebrity referees in general
Louis: Also, the fact that Alec Baldwin is here cannot be overlooked. Why are these volatile people giving advice? It's too much of a joke.
Julie: I don't care if that guy was choking his dogs and burying them in his front yard. I don't want to hear Alec Baldwin's opinion on it.
Louis: Right, can't they judge The Singing Bee, or whatever? Also, in the near future, Madonna will be a guest-judge. Madonna. I don't know if you know this about Madonna, but her famous moments in marriage include fielding Sean Penn's seething rage and entering a joyless existence with a moody director who will wear a red bracelet upon request. It's too much of a joke! I don't care that The Marriage Ref pretends to acknowledge at the start of the show that these people aren't actually qualified. They're not actually worth the trouble of booking at all.
Julie: And Marv Albert? How about if you have a show where recognizable personalities judge other peoples' marriages, you don't hire the guy who went on trial for assaulting the woman he was having a ten-year affair with.
Louis: Marv really did chew up the scenery though. HEHE. So scary.
The Host and "Marriage Ref," Tom Papa
Louis: THE HOST IS THE WORST. He is a funeral dirge of a man. He's a warmup comedian for a warmup comedian for a warmup comedian. It's like a tragic Gertrude Stein quote.
Julie: How did Seinfeld go about picking Tom Papa anyway?
Louis: He judged a marital dispute of the Seinfelds? That's how it appears in the opening credits. He must've been pretty impressively Socratic that first time, because he's a crying clown here. I'm also obsessed with how Seinfeld cry-laughs at everyone's jokes. It hurts him too!
Natalie Morales, the "Just the Facts" Stats Girl
Julie: Could Tom Papa not handle those two note cards that said how many calories pole-dancing burns? Is that why he had to throw to NATALIE MORALES? "Hey, Natalie, can you give us some numbers on stuffing pets?" "Sure, Jerry, let me just pull that up." I don't know why this show pushed all of my buttons. At once. Such an inefficient and annoying way of conveying information.
Louis: This show does not need to throw to people, let alone woman-at-desk-with-papers.
Julie: Let alone woman-at-desk-with A PROP COMPUTER.
Louis: The prop computer is already nominated for a Parent Television Council award. I'm afraid it stays!
In Conclusion
Julie: I just thought that if anyone would have standards when it comes to television and comedy, it would be the co-creator of the greatest sitcom of our time.
Louis: Unfortunately this sort of thing happens when you make the greatest sitcom of all time -- you become protective over that show's success, yell at Larry King for it, and use your huffy pride to make vanity projects that involve drafting all these stars into the picture. Tina Fey, run away!
Julie: I wonder how the ratings were? They gave that the Olympic lead-out.
Louis: Ratings were pretty great. Seinfeld clearly wants to enter the void that, yes, America's Funniest Home Videos left in late '90s. Families can watch this one together! On a Sunday night! And Dad can remark that Kelly Ripa is "actually pretty funny" AND a doozy.
Julie: It's sad to me because NBC made some positive PR progress with the Olympics. They smartly buried their Leno promos. And now they are once again nosediving.
Louis: But did you really expect much from this in the first place? This was a celebrity-baiting ploy from the start.
Julie: I kind of did -- I heard Seinfeld talk about how funny the couples were -- and I figured we'd at least get a few Seinfeld-quality observations. And anything that Alec Baldwin is involved in, I tend to think could be good.
Louis: You thoughtless little pig. ♦