Here now, courtesy of The Live Feed and presented without comment (except maybe that teensy bit we slipped into the headline) is the text of Jay Leno's opening monologue, delivered tonight at the top of his triumphant return to The Tonight Show. Enjoy.
"IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME. I'M JAY LENO YOUR HOST...AT LEAST FOR A WHILE.
I'VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS. NOT BECAUSE IT'S MY FIRST NIGHT BACK. BECAUSE I KNOW THAT DAVE AND OPRAH ARE WATCHING.
ACTUALLY, WE WERE OFF FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. KIND OF LIKE THE RUSSIANS AT THE OLYMPICS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?
"HOW ABOUT OUR OLYMPIC ATHLETES? PRETTY AMAZING, THIRTY-SEVEN MEDALS! IN FACT, WE HAVE ONE OF THE GOLD MEDAL WINNERS; OLYMPIC SKIER LINDSEY VONN IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. SHE WAS AMAZING. DID YOU SEE HER? WHEN IT COMES TO GONG DOWN HILL NOBODY IS FASTER. OK, EXCEPT NBC.
CONGRATULATIONS TO CANADA FOR WINNING THE GOLD IN HOCKEY YESTERDAY. THAT WAS A GREAT GAME. I THOUGHT AMERICA PLAYED GREAT. THE CANADIANS ACCUSE US AMERICANS OF NOT UNDERSTANDING HOCKEY. IT'S NOT TRUE. IF OUR GUYS HAD USED THEIR LONG POKEY THING AND THAT RUBBER DISK TO GET IT INTO THAT LITTLE BASKET THINGY BEFORE THEY DID? WE WOULD HAVE WON.
ACTUALLY, I WAS IN VANCOUVER LAST WEEK. I SAW OLYMPIC SKIER JERET SPEEDY PETERSON. HE WON THE SILVER MEDAL. I WAS THERE. I WAS THERE WHEN HE WON. HE CAME OVER TO ME. TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: SKIER CELEBRATION/ AT THE END OF THE HILL HE PUNCHES JAY) I THINK HE'S A LETTERMAN GUY.
IT'S NOT TIME FOR A NEW BIT WE CALL, "HOW BORING IS ALAN GREENSPAN." LETS TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: ALAN TALKING AND THEN HE FALLS ASLEEP)
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ON "60 MINUTES." BLACKWATER WORLDWIDE, THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S LARGEST SECURITY CONTRACTOR...THOSE GUYS WE HIRED AS GUARDS. WELL, NOW THEY HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF HIRING PROSTITUTES WITH TAX DOLLARS AND PUTTING THEM ON THE COMPANY PAYROLL. IN FACT, THEY SAY THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TAX MONEY HAS EVER BEEN USED TO PAY A WHORES SINCE THAT WALL STREET BAILOUT.
SPEAKING OF GETTING SCREWED. THE AIRLINES ARE GOING TO BEGIN CHARGING A FEE FOR FLYING STANDBY. THEY ARE GOING TO CHARGE YOU A FEE TO STANDBY. IN FACT, THEY DON'T EVEN CALL IT STANDBY ANYMORE. IT'S NOW CALLED "STAND AND BEND OVER."
THE CALIFORNIA LEGISLATURE HAS PASSED A BAN ON SWEARING. THIS WEEK THERE IS NO SWEARING IN CALIFORNIA. IT'S ABOUT TIME THOSE DUMB BASTARDS DID SOMETHING RIGHT. EXACTLY!
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS? THERE IS A NEW BREAKFAST CEREAL OUT CALLED CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS. WHAT, IS CHEERIOS GIVEN UP NOW? CHOCOLATE CHEERIOS, WHAT'S THAT? ARE THEY EVEN CHEERIOS ANYMORE? AREN'T THEY JUST DOUGHNUTS IN MILK NOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD CALL THEM NOW? CHENEY-O'S.
AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY IS DOING FINE AFTER SUFFERING HIS FIFTH HEART ATTACK. FIVE! HE'S LIKE THE APOLO OHNO OF HEART ATTACKS. WHO HAS FINE? OR AS PRESIDENT BUSH GOES...(HOLDS UP FIVE FINGERS)
THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT IS DOING FINE. THE DOCTORS SAIS THAT SNEER WILL BE BACK ON HIS FACE IN NO TIME.
PRESIDENT BUSH WENT TO VISIT DICK CHENEY ON FRIDAY. I THINK PRESIDENT BUSH IS PREPARING FOR THE WORST. DID YOU SEE HIM PULLING UP IN FRONT OF CHENEY'S HOUSE? THEY DID A STORY ON IT. TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: DRIVES UP IN A HEARSE)
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID TODAY THAT HE OFTEN TURNED TO PRAYER DURING HIS PRESIDENCY. HEY, I THINK WE ALL TURNED TO PRAYER.
THIS SOUNDS EXCITING. KEANU REEVES HAS SIGNED TO STAR IN "SPEED 3". REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL WAS A RUNWAY BUS, THE SECOND WAS A RUNAWAY BOAT, THE LATEST ONE WILL STAR A TOYOTA. SHOULD BE VERY EXCITING.
PEOPLE STILL HAVE FAITH IN TOYOTA. EVEN WITH THESE MASSIVE RECALLS THE TOYOTA PRIUS HAS RETAINED ITS TITLE AS CONSUMER REPORTS TOP PICK FOR ECO-FRIENDLY VEHICLE. THEY SAID IT'S GREAT WAY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH THE ENVIRONMENT. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT FLIES OUT OF CONTROL AND HITS A TREE. YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.
EARLIER TONIGHT WAS THE SEASON FINALE OF "THE BACHELOR". IT WAS FOLLOWED BY AN UPDATE SHOW CALLED "AFTER THE FINAL ROSE". THEN LATER, SEVERAL OF THE GIRLS WERE OVER ON DR. OZ DOING A SEGMENT CALLED "DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED TO YOU?"
I HAVE SOMETHING FOR KEV. I'M GOING TO CALL THIS MY 'KEVIN EUBANKS SEGMENT.' YOU WILL LOVE THIS. IT'S A SEGMENT WE CALL, "THE WORLD'S TIGHTEST PANTS." TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: WORLD'S TIGHTEST PANTS) ISN'T 11:30 A LOT MORE FUN?
KIND OF SAD. GATORADE HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH TIGER WOODS. APPARENTLY HE WAS SEEING AT LEAST FIVE OTHER SPORTS DRINKS.
DID YOU WATCH THE PRESS CONFERENCE? AS YOU KNOW, TIGER WOODS GAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE LAST WEEK, WHERE HE SAID HE IS RETURNING TO BUDDHISM. AS OPPOSED TO WHAT HE WAS PRACTICING BEFORE. THAT WAS BOOTYISM. THAT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT."