It's Friday, which can mean only one thing -- which you probably won't even remember tomorrow because of another thing I guess Friday happens to mean, but still: It's time for Say Whaaaa?, your regular briefing on the craziest, most bafflingly and/or appallingly outlandish movie and TV stories of the week. Welcome back the golden-voiced Say Whaaaa? Singers, who've warmed up like Olympians and are ready to rock some hard disbelief up in this bitch. And a 1... and a 2...
5. George Lopez is... Speedy Gonzalez
It sounds like an attenuated version of a skit that wouldn't have even made The Jeff Dunham Show: Talk-show host and amateur genealogist George Lopez is aboard to voice a CG/live-action feature of the beloved-ish Warner Bros. rodent Speedy Gonzalez. Written by the team that brought the Garfield films. Say whaaaa? George, we let Beverly Hills Chihuahua slide. Don't get greedy.
4. When Kirstie Met Jamie
I didn't quite understand or even believe much of the depravity that was said to have occurred this week when "soul captain" Kirstie Alley visited Oprah. But our own Julie Miller confirmed -- with her clearly wounded eyes and quivering voice (and that was just over IM! I can only imagine such abject haunting in person) -- that Alley indeed was involved in a virtual French kiss with her celebrity crush Jamie Foxx, whom Oprah piped into the studio via satellite. Say whaaaa? And thus we can cross "Grotesque Long-Distance Celebrity Foreplay" off the list of subjects Oprah is hoping to get to during her long goodbye.
3. Showgirls gets franchised
Say whaaaa? Really! There's an impressionistic soft-core raunchtastic trailer, too, complete with crawling nude models and blunt force trauma with a dumbbell -- in the first 30 seconds! Come on, Say Whaaaa? Singers, everybody deserves a chance. OK, never mind.
2. The Cryer affair
There's nothing funny about the drama surrounding Jon Cryer and his ex-wife Sarah Trigger, whose turbulent child-custody battles culminated in a reported murder-for-hire plot against the Two and a Half Men actor. It's said to have gotten to the point where an "unidentified co-star" of Cryer's even suggested that they stop filming the series in front of a studio audience. Say whaaaa? Smart kid, that Angus T. Jones.
1. "Do you want this bareback?"
Say whaaaa? Funny -- the audience at last weekend's BAFTA Awards said the exact same thing to presenter Mickey Rourke: