Instead of delving on the petty theatrics of last night's American Idol (and Kris Allen's almost-a-gwownup scruff), it seems more productive to reflect upon what we've lost: four contestants who wore above-average mall clothes. They were polite scamps, even shampooed, but none of them brought the haymaker vocals that a vain dreamweaver like David Geffen could love. Still, someone has to give these four also-rans proper eulogies.
Janell Wheeler
I Will Miss Most: Your first name was missing a final "e," like Dian Parkinson, the Price is Right model who sued Bob Barker. Devious! To me, at least.
What Could've Been: A bleating cover of Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" that Ellen DeGeneres could've called "fine," and "pretty good, for a music fan like me."
Eulogy: You looked like Scarlett Johansson. Coincidentally, your version of "What About Love" had me adopting a decrepit Tom Waits grimace. But anyway. You look like Scarlett Johannson. Rave on.
Joe Munoz
I Will Miss Most: Your ability to take Jason Mraz's music out of the reggae-lite, Abercrombie & Fitch Muzak arena, and properly reintroduce it with crooning authority, and without a stupid hat.
What Could've Been: A lady-killing rendition of "Friends in Low Places" during country week? I don't know? It would've been fine.
Eulogy: We didn't learn your name until last week. I still had to look it up today. But I looked you up, is the point. Those 18 seconds are for you and your legend.
Ashley Rodriguez
I Will Miss Most: Your fun, finger-pointy dance from the Top 24 video. Nice to meet you, America! Pointy-point.
What Could've Been: Randy Jackson continuously comparing her to Jordin Sparks, because her smile is large and she is known to wear outfits.
Eulogy: Your unchecked bitterness after being eliminated last night was a joy to behold. The fussy nodding and scrunched mouth qualified you to challenge Regina George for lunchtable supremancy.
Tyler Grady
I Will Miss Most: The dreamy curls. The spindly frame. The sort-of singing.
What Could've Been: Inevitable covers of "Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)," "My Generation," and "Light My Fire."
Eulogy: You were right to say the judges gave you the wrong criticisms. And you're more interesting than, say, Tim Urban or Alex Lambert. To invoke Victoria Beckham's initial praises of your talent, you really gave us "great jeans" and "a good face" and "a nice look." Just like Beethoven.