You'll recall that the women of American Idol's Top 24 fared poopily on Tuesday night. Well, the dudes did no better. Between the perilous falsettos and the stupid hair flips, the Top 12 gents managed to remain bearable for about a sixth of their 120-minute programming block. We dredged up three "top dawgs" and three "not-dawgs" for your voting consideration.
The Top Dawgs
Casey James
Kara's stripping ingenue pulled off the most restrained and effortless performance of the evening (which isn't saying much). Bryan Adams's "Heaven" might be your 18-year-old cousin's shotgun wedding song, but James didn't oversell a note of it.
Andrew Garcia
He touched America in its oversize blazers and leggings when he crooned Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week. While Andrew Garcia's performance this week of Fall Out Boy's "Sugar We're Goin' Down" lacked similar verve, it was in-tune and thoughtful -- and in American Idol's Top 24, that means you're the new Pavarotti.
Aaron Kelly
Sultry trick-or-treater Aaron Kelly took on Rascal Flatts' "Here Comes Goodbye." He sweats like he didn't study his pre-algebra midterm, but he tied down his nerves well enough. He's an inevitable Top 12 contender, even if Simon correctly noted that he looked "embarrassed to be up there."
The Not-Dawgs
Jermaine Sellers
Wearing a bolero with tails like a saucy, high-end Paula Poundstone, Jermaine Sellers disemboweled Oleta James's "Get Here." There's screaming! There's squawking! There's barely a song! The light is dim! The children are dead.
Tim Urban
Tim Urban has sung three times in his life, tops. His rendition of OneRepublic's "Apologize" missed the emotional core of the song and all the notes. The judges' comments say it all, and I've embedded those below. Tim should've just broken down and promised to make his hair a little bit flippier. That's where he has potential.
Alex Lambert
Lambert, a mulleted near-nonentity, made duck noises while a track of "What a Wonderful World" played behind him. There's no telling if he couldn't hear the song, or our cries, or what. He was also so nervous that the performance is unwatchable. I've embedded the audio for your safety.