American Idol needs to be like Project Runway. Simon Cowell needs to order the best and worst singers to stand in rows and justify their choices, like toddlers who've peed themselves behind the couch. He should reduce his criticisms to Klum-level quips like, "I just don't understand." Randy Jackson needs to tell contestants like Ashley Rodriguez that covering a Leona Lewis song is "tacky and ill-fitting," and guest-judges Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi must be replaced by Diane von Furstenberg and empty space. Most importantly: Every contestant requires a firm mentor with pearly hair, and fast. What a grim evening! I pick the night's top and bottom performances after the jump.
The Top Dawgs
Didi Benami didn't budge Simon's albatross pucker with her rendition of "The Way I Am," but he was an ungrateful wanker to say her rasp could've been replaced by any Adele/Duffy knockoff. For shame! Luckily, Kara underwent a jarring character shift when she gave Didi the kind of correct criticism: "I think you made some changes to the song, and it shows you're creative." Cry-sing to our cry-lives, Didi!
Crystal Bowersox simultaneously plays the guitar AND harmonica AND her voice AND the ponies AND Pog slammers. That's why it was both appropriate and a little trite when she chose the guitar-and-harmonica come-down jam "Hand in My Pocket." The judges kept telling Michelle Delamor that no one compares to Alicia Keys, but I think Alanis Morissette is even more difficult to follow up. Still, Bowersox tackled the cigarettes-and-high-fives ode with aplomb, and America shows its appreciation by throwing a bound-and-gagged Dave Coulier at her.
Siobhan Magnus sang Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game," meaning she knows the aural beauty of needing Helena Christensen's sandy, black-and-white breasts against your ribcage forever. She also wears a flower in her hair, and that's where it gets a little stupid for me. "Wicked Game" was a smart choice, and she's got that longing, Linda Ronstadt trill that I need in a teenage balladeer/part-time role model.
The Losers
Paige Miles sounded like dogs. She botched "All Right Now," and I resented when Simon said she had the best voice in the competition. Kara mistook herself for a playable character in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 when said, "You have a ridiculous voice" and "You slayed those verses." What kind of Billabong-sponsored absinthe dream was she having? No, Kara: Paige will not Indy-grab over the half-pipe tonight. No more mentions of "ridiculous" and "slaying" in 2010, thanks, and no more criticisms from The Complete Bam Margera Thesaurus.
Lacey Brown made the artistic decision to beat the crap out of Stevie Nicks last night, assuming that Taylor Swift's Grammy performance didn't finish her off. Her version of "Landslide" made it seem like she actually saw faces in the snow-covered hills -- but because she'd been struck by a poison dart. It was very much time to die, like in Gorillas in the Mist. Also: The word "landside" (sic) was uttered at some point. Knowing the title of the song is often the key to victory, I find. Lacey should start there and work her way up.
Haeley Vaughn cannot smile her way out of this pitch dungeon. She took on the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and screamed the entire song. When is it cool to take a Beatles song and turn it into a Raffi baa-baa-black-sheep lullaby? I think this was even worse than "Landslide," and only Simon seemed to acknowledge that. He and I, we have something. Childhood traumas and a fear of interpersonal communication, maybe