*Dear The View audience, Movieline feels that it is necessary to inform you that contrary to Sherri Shepherd and The Situation's statements on this morning's show, hot tub water does NOT "kill sperm" nor does the extreme temperature "take care of business." Just thought we should mention it considering that the other hosts, producers and network failed to correct them.
That being said, let's discuss the crazy sh*t that went down on The View today, including Whoopi Goldberg's Mad Hatter top hat, Elisabeth Hasselbeck's powerlessness against The Situation's date rapist-style pick-up lines and Joy Behar's uncanny ability to keep The Situation from removing his shirt.
Even before The Situation walked onstage and got to first base with Elisabeth Hasselbeck (who was shamelessly wearing a tight "Everybody Loves the Situation" t-shirt), Joy Behar voiced her disapproval of MTV's Jersey Shore backstage. Unfortunately for Behar, The Situation, who had been teaching Hasselback ab exercises in her dressing room (really) had overheard the disses and made it known as soon as he took the stage, dubbing her "The Assumption." Behar saw his diss and shot back with a joke about the Assumption of Mary that predictably sailed over the gelled blow-outs of her guests. In case you hadn't noticed, It Was On.
But before you think that Behar and Hasselbeck were left alone to battle over Snooki, The Situation and DJ Pauly D (and the rest of the nameless guidos after the first commercial break), note that Sherri Shepherd sported a Snooki-like poof, readily laughed at The Situation's jokes and eagerly complimented J-WOWW on her lovely chest. And on Behar's side of the couch, sat a confused Whoopi who only spoke up to ask the group about their financial savings plans (again, really).
But the clan of Jersey Shore mates were no match for Behar, who decided that the kids, in their twenty-somethings and forty-somethings (we assume for The Situation) still had a little something to learn about sex education and, I don't know, bitterness? How else would you describe the way that Behar sliced into Snooki after the fun-size guidette revealed -- without any irony whatsoever -- that she knew she was going to be famous "pretty much at birth." Behar, not liking that smugness, glanced at her cue card and sputtered, "I'd like to point out that Snooki is not Italian."
Hasselbeck, whom The Situation had already dubbed "The Attraction" repeatedly tried to move the conversation into more positive territory but was repeatedly talked over.
Snooki pressed on, revealing that she's "a little Sicilian" but more Chilean, and looked back to Hasselbeck for the next pro-Jersey Shore question. Behar would not let up though, spitting, "Well that would make you Italian." Hasselbeck jumped back into the dog fight, changing the subject to her and DJ Pauly D's instant bond over a Rhode Island lemonade stand. And then this happened...
Hasselbeck: The Situation and I were doing abs backstage because I thought I could coax you into showing "The Situation" on The View.
Shepherd: Your abs are sick!
Hasselbeck: What do you think?
The Situation looks uncharacteristically sheepish.
Hasselbeck: You're not going to say no to all of these gorgeous women are you?
The crowd cheers.
The Situation: You know what, I don't really want to uh, cheapen the product these days.
Shepherd: Oh, now you a brand, huh?
[Read on for The Sitch's response!]
The Situation: You know, the brand actually is "The Situation" and uh --
Whoopi and Behar continue to glare.
Hasselbeck: Oh, are we not worthy of the situation now? Come on!
The Situation: (Finds his smarm) No, YOU are DEFINITELY worthy of The Situation.
Behar: (Cuts in) When you have sex on the show -- I see that there is a lot of sex -- do you use condoms?
The audience laughs uncomfortably.
The Situation: Uhhhhhhh. Uh yes, just so you now, I uh, I am 100 percent Italian just from that question before, and I do use protection as well.
Behar: You do?
The Situation: Yes.
Behar: (Points to Snooki)What about you?
Snooki concedes that she uses protection.
Hasselbeck: (Desperately) How do you address --
Behar: And what about Pauly?
Pauly: Yes, I use protection.
Behar: In the hot tub?
The Situation: (Smirks) Yeah.
Hasselbeck: (Horrified) Nothing really happens in the --
Behar: Because the thing can come off --
Hasselbeck: Before maybe, I wasn't really there --
Shepherd: (Knowingly) The hot water kills all that sperm, Joy.
The Situation: Yeah, it's really hot water. It takes care of business.
Whoopi: (Rousing herself from her slumber) I'm curious --
Behar: Whoopi has a question.
Whoopi: I had a question and then my brain said -- well, where do you see yourselves? This is the most important question for me. Where do you actually see yourselves -- I mean, this is wonderful, what's happening. You went from nowhere -- not nowhere, but you came from obscurity and now you have, pardon the pun, this "situation."
It pretty much went downhill from there, even when J-WOWW made it onstage. But so far, Joy Behar is the only television personality that could intimidate The Situation into keeping his shirt on. As for Whoopi's top hat -- I'm sorry, I still cannot explain that.