Ladies and ladyboys, your top 24! What a long, mantis-necked trip it's been. The important thing isn't whether any of the newest success stories are surprises (which is lucky, because there are no surprises here), but whether we even like these people at all. Idol blew through these 17 wins in 60 minutes, so let's see if we can judge them in even less time. How about, say, four minutes?
Janell Wheeler
Pros: Enacts an Ashlee Simpson-lipsync jig when being selected for the Top 24; tolerates Ellen DeGeneres''s epic-poet roundabout "yes" like a champ; sang "American Boy" without it sounding like the "Tonight, You're a Star" Lounge at the Days Inn in Billings.
Cons: Said to the judges, "I don't think anything is harder than American Idol." I don't want Janell on my "Outburst!" team if she can't come up with one possible thing.
Tyler Grady
Pros: Wears foxy jeans; will make a stupid Mick Jagger face on command; facial angles are hot, mathematically. (Work it out on a TI-83.)
Cons: I am not sure he has ever sung a song before. Does he want to be a singer? Does he just want to seem like he'd up for taking over as lead singer of Jet? Also: Could be unstable and dumb.
Jermaine Sellers
Pros: Vaudevillian showmanship; hails from Joliet, IL, meaning he has spent most of his life crooning near a towering penitentiary; sings Joan Osbourne songs because he understands I have problems giving up 1995.
Cons: I liked the other Jermaine better. The levels of jermajesty didn't even seem comparable.
Lacey Brown
Pros: Lovely voice suitable for the oeuvre of Colbie Caillat (which I think is an Idol standard now, for better or for worse); hair is an endearing "edgy campus tour guide" red-orange.
Cons: Low-key. She needs to coruscate, and thus far she just makes Easter chick gurgles and seems uncomfortable without a bonnet.
Ashley Rodriguez
Pros: Voice is enjoyable and pop-ready; enjoys the groomed appeal and well-straightened hair that a trained chanteuse like Victoria Beckham can appreciate.
Cons: Looks a lot like Jordin Sparks. We already have a Jordin Sparks, Ashley. It was Jordin Sparks. And arguably still is. Needs to play up the hair swoop and go for an Aaliyah revival.
Crystal Bowersox
Pros: An actual Idol anomaly who will play any instrument you give her. Guitars. Harmonica. Pipe organ. A condemned bassoon. A basketball with a horn. A pizza. A poisoned kazoo. She will play a poisoned kazoo.
Cons: Seems uncomfortable in front of the judges, like she's just in this for the music. Dogshit, my dear.
Katie Stevens
Pros: Has Randy's favorite quality -- she's only 16 or something! And can you believe this -- she can sing! Like oil and vinegar, those two qualities!
Cons: Lacks identity (which is real motif this year). I understand she wears jeans some of the time. Go with that, I guess.
Lilly Scott
Pros: First contestant this season to have wizard hair. Is memorable for that reason.
Cons: Can't win on just memorability. Will hit the skids with viewers once the Manic Panic shortage hits the states.
John Park
Pros: Wooed us in the auditions with his fine balladeer skills; strikes me as the "upstanding" contestant with the firm grip on his talent, integrity, and other things rumored to enter the competition.
Cons: Give it up for the hinkiest victory dance of them all. That final facial expression says: "I tried?" Sidenote: The victory dance is weirdly important to me.
Haeley Vaughn
Pros: Was a shoo-in thanks to her interesting niche -- a crossroads of country, pop, and (as the judges pointed out) not R&B. She's black, you see.
Cons: Is one of the shakiest vocalists out of the females. In fact, she has no chance of winning. I'm saving all my emotional acoustic moments for Didi Benami anyway.
Andrew Garcia
Pros: Slayed the judges with his "genius" cover of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up," though you could've heard it on the Santa Monica promenade by any upstart with an open guitar case; sings with hearty "man feelings"; makes genuine remarks about getting emotional, as in last episode when he said, "I'm usually the cool guy" after sobbing like a Seacrest without his favorite Appaloosa.
Cons: Is not a dynamo! Someone inject the dangerous Ethel Merman elixir into this mushy, human-seeming thing!
Tim Urban
Pros: Has a nice face! Has Pythagorean cheekbones. Keeps quiet.
Cons: He and Tyler Grady should form a "The weird thing is, neither of us have taken a vocal lesson. In fact, we don't sing. In fact, we just want to start a roofing company" alliance.
Alex Lambert, Joe Munoz, Siobhan Magnus, Michelle Delamor, Paige Miles
Pros: They seem like nice enough people! Raised in good homes! Members of the Clean Plate club!
Cons: But do they qualify as proper nouns? I can't guarantee they're human beings, let alone cherubs of infinite star capacity. (Except for Michelle Delamor: DID YOU SEE HER VICTORY DANCE? Please check this out. She does a full Whitney Houston-meets-Leona Lewis Mentadent smile thing that qualifies her to win the side-pot competition of being my spirit animal.)