WHEREAS filmmaker Kevin Smith has publicly acknowledged a weight problem that has caused toilets to shatter; and
WHEREAS Smith's contributions to cinema amount to a dubious resume at best, including such crimes against low culture as Jersey Girl, Clerks II and Zack and Miri Make a Porno; and
WHEREAS his self-effacing regard for his obesity belies a serious health issue of which he is more than aware; and
WHEREAS despite this morbid obesity, his idea of a low-calorie meal involves the publicized consumption of his wife's nether regions; and
WHEREAS Southwest Airlines pilots have a well-documented habit of making public examples of obese passengers, who they secretly photograph as they skulk off the aircraft, then print and barter those photographs in a game they refer to as "Fattie Collectible Card Trading"; and
WHEREAS Smith's access to the social networking application known as Twitter has led to a near non-stop onslaught of 144-character ruminations on his ongoing digestive cycles; and
WHEREAS the lines dividing opportunistic marketing strategy, justifiable outrage and the contents of a laminated Denny's menu committed by Mr. Smith to memory have begun to blur in his mind, throwing his very sanity into question as he posts a 24-part video testimonial laying out the groundwork for why he no longer wants to talk about the subject of those 24 videos.
NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY MOVIELINE
1. That Mr. Smith be subjected to a court-mandated jaw-wiring for a period of no less than 12 weeks, and
2. That during that period all access to the World Wide Web or any device capable of recording the thoughts, words or images of Mr. Smith be strictly prohibited, and
3. During said period Tracy Morgan, star of the upcoming Cop Out, shall resume all of Mr. Smith's previously scheduled toilet-shatterings, 24-part video-makings and spousal brown-snacking activities, which would be much funnier and therefore sell the film more successfully.
RESOLUTION PASSED this 18th day of February, 2010
SIGNED,
MOVIELINE