Ryan Seacrest clogged our lives with 120 minutes of redundant announcements last night. Over eight seasons I've grown to love this abuse, which means I need a pamphlet from the doctor's office, and now. Seacrest started off several narrations with versions of the following tease: "There are three rooms full of contestants here... and some of them... are going... to be on American Idol... which is the show... they are on... right now." Downright Hitchcockian, the suspense here. Except Simon Fuller didn't follow through by throwing birds and cropdusters at Kara DioGuardi. That's the thriller I want, SimFu! The two-hour show saw seven contestants move on to the Top 24, and Movieline's estimation of their potential is just as moving as Ellen DeGeneres's ability to tolerate Kara's hopeless puns. Spoilers ahead!
Michael Lynche The down-home average joe wooed us with a soulful take on Jason Mraz's mall-brand reggae anthem "I'm Yours," and he didn't even need a ukulele or a Fozzie Bear hat. Seems miraculous, in theory. His rendition wasn't perfect, but neither is, you know, anything about Idol.
Fate: He could crack the Top 12, but Simon Cowell will ultimately declare him forgettable. Ellen and Kara will synchronize their "But what a nice guy" half-smiles. Randy will make a noise, though there's no telling if it will include words or even consonants.
Didi Benami: Fancy that Simon Cowell claimed The One To Beat was "inconsistent" during her auditions. When, exactly? Her first audition, "Hey Jude," was the best of the entire season, her version of Kara DioGuardi's magnum opus "Terrified" trumped the competition, and her take on "Angel" was top-notch. Stop looking like a claymation otter for two seconds and wise up, Simon.
Fate: Didi is so destined for the Top 12 that Simon's skepticism feels like a lame joke. I sense a top three finish for Benami, if only because she's like a Megan Joy Corkrey who knows how to use her voice. She also cries on command, so she's already the mesmerizing Mattel product I was never blessed enough to own.
Katelyn Epperly: Twice now the judges have remarked that Katelyn lacked connection to her choice of song. This is not to discredit her hair, which is awesome, like a prefab Carrie Underwood mixed with a morally responsible Carrot Top.
Fate: A serviceable voice does not an artist make. Thus far, nothing is singular about Katelyn, and her renditions could always be more emotive. Take a Louisville slugger to both headlights of something, woman! Let Jesus take the wheel, but then slap him around! Unfortunately, anyone who sings "Bubbly" already deserves a week in the pillories, and Katelyn is an offender. Crinkle your nose now, Epperly.
Casey James: Kara DioGuardi made this guy strip during the auditions, and I wish the camera could've panned to her murmuring, "I'm so lonely" as he loosed each button. But was this guy even worthy of a Top 100 finish, let alone a Top 24? Having '93 Brad Pitt hair is only supposed to qualify you for Hollywood Week, not entrance into the sacred winner pantheon.
Fate: No dice. Is he supposed to be a heartthrob? I feel nothing, really, and the judges won't either in one week's time. But let's dig Kara DioGuardi's trenchant plays on the word "cool" in the embedded video. We have a new Fran Lebowitz on our hands, and Ellen's annoyed, "Am I really participating in a pun war with a sad spinster" glance knows it.
Aaron Kelly: The sheltered 16-year-old crooner has lived his entire childhood in an air-conditioned puka shell. His rendition of "Angel" during Hollywood Week proves the acoustics in there must've been pitchy, because adopted-dawg sounded squawky and off. The memory of his first audition of "The Climb" still lingers, even if he's no JOE MCELDERRY TOUCH ME PLEASE.
Fate: Kelly's appeal is somewhere between the gawky, likable Alex Wagner-Trugman and the slightly more successful David Archuleta. I think he's secure for a Top 12 entry on appeal alone, though his voice will vault him to a 9th place finish at best. I hope he can get in at least one shout-out to his obvious influences LFO and the 1998 American Eagle catalog. Tears in my eyes already.
Todrick Hall: The hammy R&B triller once starred with Fantasia Barrino in The Color Purple. He also auditioned using an original song with lyrics like "Simon's lookin' so impressed," and I think that makes him kind of clever. It could also make him kind of annoying. But I'm intrigued, and he might have some verve and spice beneath his showman exterior. Kind of.
Fate: I think he's a good shot. His voice is consistent, and, to borrow a Simon platitude, "current." He sings like he's Auto-Tuned and built from droid parts, and RedOne didn't even have to turn a hundred knobs to make it possible. At the very worst, we'll see him on season two of Fantasia For Real. Thanks for keeping the dream on life support, VH1.
Lee Dewyze botched a version of "You Found Me" in the last round of auditions, and otherwise he's sort of a half-assed rocker type anyway. Now, I might've said the same thing about Chris Daughtry, so maybe we shouldn't trust me here. But while I'm assuming you are...
Fate: Lee's a tad too dull. And like Simon Cowell muttered early on, he lacks star power. I expect a quick dismissal in the next round followed by a horny DioGuardi purr of regret. (Unless she's not over Matt Giraud, but that would be kind of remarkable.) This is unfortunate, because the "wyz" in his name is weird, and I think Will Shortz could've done something with it in an NYT crossword.