Following months of world championships and decades of training, the finest athletes in the world will gather in Vancouver tonight for the 2010 Winter Olympics. In the tradition conceived long ago in ancient Greece, they will put aside their countries' political differences, bask in multi-million dollar brand sponsorships, snap up as much hardware as their muscular necks will support and then unwind afterward by bedding their competitors in an Olympic Village orgy. But just because NBC sunk a ghastly $2 billion into the broadcasting rights to this year's games does not mean that we, American viewers, are actually obligated to watch. So after the jump, Movieline has neatly compiled your primetime alternatives to that grating Bob Costas coverage for your counter-programming pleasure.
*All listings are EST
Friday, February 12
Opening Ceremony [9 PM, NBC]
The 2010 Olympic Winter Games kick off from the BC Place in Vancouver, with the first-ever indoor Opening Ceremony. Nelly Furtado, Sarah McLachlan and Bryan Adams are among the performers rumored to participate in tonight's events. Also, the recent "We Are the World" remake is scheduled to debut at some point during NBC's coverage of the ceremony. (*NBC is promoting the events as starting at 7:30 PM EST but pre-game analysis and ski jumping reports begin at that time.)
The Graduate [8 PM, TCM]
Instead of watching the culmination of hundreds of Olympic dreams, you can watch Anne Bancroft extract the innocence from Dustin Hoffman. Mr. Ebersol, you're trying to seduce us, aren't you? Well, it isn't working.
Saturday, February 13
Men's Short Track [8 PM, NBC]
Five-time medalist (and Dancing with the Stars champion) Apolo Ohno goes after gold in the men's 1500m (broadcast live ET). NBC will also air footage of women's mogul freestyle skiing and men's downhill Alpine skiing.
Cast of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Where Are They Now [8 PM, TV Guide]
You could watch men in skintight uniforms speed skate in circles -- or you could see which unemployed Fresh Prince alums were available to reminisce on-camera for the show's 20th anniversary. Y-ohno homes, smell ya later.
Sunday, February 14
Women's Super Combined [7 PM, NBC]
Lindsey Vonn, the super star ski racer projected to be the "Michael Phelps of the Winter Olympics" revealed a few days ago that she suffered a bruised shin, hurting her chances of medaling in her five scheduled events. Nevertheless, Vonn is still expected to compete in this Valentine's Day event. NBC will also air coverage of figure skating (pairs short) tonight.
The Simpsons [8 PM, Fox]
Why settle for an excruciatingly long broadcast of a sport that sounds like a brand of maxi pad when you could watch The Simpson's 22-minute spin on the Winter Games. In the episode titled "Boy Meets Curl," Homer and Marge try curling at the Olympic trials. Watch out for a Bob Costas cameo.
Monday, February 15
Pairs Figure Skating [8 PM, NBC]
The first figure skating medal is at stake during tonight's free skate finals. Take note that American skater Amanda Evora (whose skates with Mark Ladwig) is dating Jeremy Barrett (who skates with Caydee Denney). NBC will also air coverage of snowboarding finals (men's SBX) and speed skating (men's 500m).
The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love [8 PM, ABC]
If you don't like watching highly talented couples performing sports, here is the exact opposite: highly edited people with little-to-no talent faking love for the cameras. Tonight, Jake and the three remaining bachelorettes travel to a Caribbean island for private helicopter tours and the chance to steal away to the fantasy suite.
Tuesday, February 16
Men's Short Figure Skating [8 PM, NBC]
In the most competitive and unpredictable of the figure skating events this year, reigning champion Yevgeny Plushenko and 2006 silver medalist Stephane Lambiel go head to head for the gold. NBC will also air coverage of women's snowboard cross, women's 500 m. speed skating and men's super-combined Alpine skiing.
American Idol [8 PM, Fox]
Why watch the skating stars of today when you can see the stars of tomorrow delight America with pitchy Alicia Keys covers. Now, if the male skaters would sing while skating, that would be something. Something no one would watch.
Wednesday, February 17
Men's Snowboarding [8 PM, NBC]
Tonight is a potentially big medal night for America. Shaun White, who won gold in Torino, is favorite in tonight's halfpipe event. Also tonight, Lindsey Vonn competes in the women's downhill and Apolo Ohno skates live in short track's 1000m and 5000m relay.
Modern Family [8 PM, ABC]
Instead of trying to enjoy the success of random Olympians, play a drinking game during tonight's Modern Family repeat. Take one drink every time the show tries to pass off a banal insight into life as an edgy revelation about the state of American society. Or whenever there is a reaction shot of Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
Thursday, February 18
Men's Figure Skating [8 PM, NBC]
The U.S. stands a chance at winning it's first gold in men's figure skating since Brian Boitano's 1988 victory. American figure skater/provocateur Johnny Weir will compete in his second games, in a new costume that adheres to PETA standards (as opposed to the white fox fur he wore at last month's U.S. championships). NBC will also air coverage of women's halfpipe and women's 1000m speed skating.
Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains [8 PM, CBS]
Who needs to spend three commercial-interrupted hours worth of television deciding which non-American Olympic competitors are the most evil when you can tune into a reality show where each player is already conveniently labeled. Tonight, another member of the tribe is voted out.