There used to be a statute of limitations on remakes, but in Hollywood, nothing's sacred. Every day brings word of another reboot, and even recent, successful movies aren't immune. You may have heard that Spider-Man, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Daredevil, Escape from New York, Vacation and Superman are all in line for a new re-do, but did you know that nine other movies from the past year are up for revision? Luckily, Movieline's pressed a glass to the office of studio executives around town to eavesdrop on the conversation, transcribed to the best of our satirical abilities. Have your second assistant get your decaf and roll your calls while you listen in.
Crazy Heart
"I mean, I'm voting for Jeff Bridges, but this screener is just sitting there on my Xbox."
"Right? Like, why do I want to watch this?"
"At least with The Wrestler, you knew Tomei would take her clothes off at some point. With this, it's like, if I wanted to watch an old, homeless-looking drunk mumble for two hours, then why the hell do I even live in Brentwood?"
"I think we should go younger."
"That's a given."
"Do we think Taylor Swift could play alcoholic?"
"I like that. Gender switch."
"Who would play Maggie's character, the rock journalist?"
"Nick Jonas. High school paper."
"Done."
Hotel for Dogs
"We need to go darker on this one."
"Grittier."
"It's not just a hotel for dogs..."
"...it's rehab. It's Rehab for Dogs."
"And the dogs all have rabies."
"They have to keep shooting dogs. It's like Old Yeller times a thousand."
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
"Who is the lead kid on this?"
"Logan Lerman."
"Oh, you mean the kid who fucked himself out of Spider-Man?"
"I don't understand why Taylor Lautner isn't Percy."
"Yes. That."
"He looks like he could be Greek. That's a thing in the movie, right? I haven't read the coverage."
"I don't think he has to be Greek, but he could totally play Greek."
"Let's make him Mexican for the Spanish-language dub."
"Percy Juanson?"
"I don't think that's an actual name."
Harry Potter
"I think it's time to redo these, don't you?"
"They're not in 3D, and they need to be in 3D."
"Should we make it American?"
"Yes. We'll get all the best American actors to play the teachers."
"Jeff Bridges as Dumbledore and Meryl Streep as Maggie Smith."
"Love it. Who's Harry?"
"Taylor Lautner."
"Taylor Lautner will be fucking 30 by the time this series is done. We need the young Taylor Lautner."
"Justin Bieber."
"I'm not sure who that is, but I want it."
It's Complicated
"I love Meryl. I love Alec. But--
"Too old."
"Exactly."
"So Sandra Bullock. Gerard Butler. But who's the third?"
"Bradley Cooper."
"I don't think we want to remind people of All About Steve."
"Do you have a problem with All About Steve? I greenlit that movie."
"I..."
"That movie overperformed in South America. It was a big hit. They called it La Blanca Autista."
Star Trek
"Chis Pine. So good. I want to be in the Chris Pine business. But I kind of want to be in the Sam Worthington business more?"
"So Sam as Kirk?"
"Sam as Kirk."
"Are we sure we want to go older on this?"
"Sam is older?"
"Yeah, like a couple years older."
"Can we change that?"
"I'm on it."
"Do we keep Spock?"
"I think we could go younger on Spock."
"Kristen Stewart--"
"I literally was about to say Kristen Stewart."
"Do you think the fans will get upset about Spock being a girl?"
"Alternate universe. She meets Zachary Quinto's Spock and he gives her his seal of approval."
"And then they fall in love."
"Wow. Twist."
Avatar
"OK, yes, biggest movie ever made -- but couldn't it be bigger?"
"What are we thinking?"
"Sam Worthington. And maybe do it in 3D."
"That's...that's what they already did."
"..."
"Like, you realize that you suggested that literally because of Avatar."
"Clean out your desk."
Terminator
"OK guys, we bought the rights to Terminator. What do we do with it?"
"A 'versus' movie. Like Aliens vs. Predator."
"What do we have the Terminator fight?"
"Vampires."
"Of course. They turn John Connor into a vampire."
"Not they. The Cullens. Edward Cullen turns him into a vampire."
"That might present a rights issue."
"The Vampire Diaries, then. The guy from The Vampire Diaries turns John Connor into a vampire, and then they both fall in love with a female Terminator."
"Can we make the Terminator a human? I feel like I'm not sparking to the love triangle unless she's a human."
"So...there's no Terminator, then?"
"We'll tease it for the sequel."
"What are we calling this?"
"Vampires: Terminator."
"Vampires: Terminator: The Beginning."
"I can see the video game already."
The Hobbit
"Don't you think it's a little too soon to reboot The Hobbit?"
"I'm not following."
"It's just, they haven't even started shooting it yet."
"Right, but shouldn't we reboot it while we still have those sets built?"
"So what are you saying?"
"Two different crews. Two different sets of actors. Same sets."
"And we put the second version in a vault for ten years."
"I'm going to want it in four."
"Four years. But how do we know who will be popular in four years?"
"We use Twitter. What's trending right now on Twitter?"
"Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert as Bilbo Baggins."
"Yes. All pop stars. Lady Gaga as Galadriel."
"Who plays Viggo Mortensen?"
"I don't think Viggo is in this one--"
"Taylor Lautner. Shirtless."
"Done."