The following is a one-act play, taken from the transcript of a Good Morning America appearance by JENNIFER GARNER and JESSICA BIEL on February 20, 2010.
(The actress playing JESSICA BIEL should speak without affect. The actress playing JENNIFER GARNER should be easily excited and love to move! The actress playing ROBIN ROBERTS should be insane.)
This work will play the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in 2011.
ROBIN ROBERTS: Cupid lets his arrows fly with unexpected and HILARIOUS consequences. It's a new romantic comedy out just in time for Valentine's Day. What did they name it? Valentine's Day. They're very smart. Brilliant. BRILLIANT!
JENNIFER GARNER: The marketing, yeah.
ROBIN ROBERTS: Two members of its galaxy of stars. Jessica Biel, this month's Vogue covergirl, who is also sharing the cover of the latest (suddenly screaming) MARIE CLAIRE WITH HER COSTAR, Jennifer Garner.
JENNIFER GARNER: That's us! That's us! I look really crazy.
ROBIN ROBERTS: This is legit. Jamie Foxx told me to watch out for you two. That you guys are really BFFs.
JENNIFER GARNER: I mean! Seriously. It's like, of COURSE we're friends!
JESSICA BIEL: Yeah.
JENNIFER GARNER: And that's how I feel. Everyone makes such a big deal about it!
JESSICA BIEL: I know, it's so funny. We--
JENNIFER GARNER: Yeah, um, I mean, um...women don't get to work together very often.
JESSICA BIEL: Never. I never get to work with women.
JENNIFER GARNER: Ever!
JESSICA BIEL: So this for me was--
JENNIFER GARNER: --a JOY.
JESSICA BIEL: --a dream.
JENNIFER GARNER: We had so much fun. We just hung out--
JESSICA BIEL: --and sit! And chat!
JENNIFER GARNER: So of COURSE we became friends!
JESSICA BIEL: --and talk.
ROBIN ROBERTS: (After intense, high-pitched gobbling) Isn't this great?! B-but Jamie Foxx told me to watch out for this. And this is what Jamie said when he was here--
JENNIFER GARNER: Oh we know.
JESSICA BIEL: Mm-hmm.
ROBIN ROBERTS: --about you two.
JENNIFER GARNER: Bring it on.
JAMIE FOXX, IN A CUTAWAY: They were doing some stuff offscreen that reminded me of Laverne & Shirley. So I know you guys are gonna be talking to them.
ROBIN ROBERTS, IN A CUTAWAY: (bellowing) NEXT WEEK!
JAMIE FOXX, IN A CUTAWAY: Bring that up, because I think they're the new Laverne & Shirley.
ROBIN ROBERTS, IN A CUTAWAY: (bellowing) YOU DO?
JAMIE FOXX, IN A CUTAWAY: I'm serious.
JENNIFER GARNER: (indicating Biel) Shirley. She's clearly Shirley.
JESSICA BIEL: Ah ha ha.
JENNIFER GARNER: Yeah, I was talking to Garry Marshall, and he goes, "Honey, you have to be Laverne!" I was like, "I KNOW I AM LAVERNE!"
JESSICA BIEL: Ha ha ha.
JENNIFER GARNER: I'm Laverne!
ROBIN ROBERTS: I'm looking for the big "L."
JENNIFER GARNER: It'll be there! I can't wait. (Checks blouse to see if it is there yet. It is not.)
ROBIN ROBERTS: So--
JENNIFER GARNER: And Pepsi and milk.
ROBIN ROBERTS: Oooh, you remember that.
JENNIFER GARNER: Yah.
ROBIN ROBERTS: Schlemiel. Schlimazel.
JENNIFER GARNER: Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
JESSICA BIEL: --Incorporated.
JENNIFER GARNER: We're gonna do it!
ROBIN ROBERTS: Can I hang out with you guys?
JESSICA BIEL: Yeah.
JENNIFER GARNER: Sure, absolutely!
ROBIN ROBERTS: (suddenly serious) But Valentine's Day. It is such a cute and lovely and just...a feel-good. A feel-good movie.
JENNIFER GARNER: It does make you feel. You do leave happy, don't you?
JESSICA BIEL: Absolutely.
ROBIN ROBERTS: (after endless babbling) Well, we're going to play a little clip of it. Jessica, your character is a little...a little mad about the...about Valentine's Day...
JESSICA BIEL: You can say it, she's neurotic.
ROBIN ROBERTS: NO I WAS--
JESSICA BIEL: She's obsessed, yeah.
JENNIFER GARNER: She's the funniest character in the movie.
JESSICA BIEL: Thank you. (She strokes Garner's bare shoulder. An electric charge passes between the two.)
THE CLIP PLAYS FOR AN INTERMINABLE LENGTH. AFTER IT ENDS, BOTH ACTRESSES LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE.
ROBIN ROBERTS: You weren't even watching.
JENNIFER AND JESSICA SNAP OUT OF THEIR REVERIE.
ROBIN ROBERTS: You were just talking amongst yourselves during the clip. (To stagehands) Did you see them?
JENNIFER GARNER: We were--
JESSICA BIEL: --we've seen that before.
JENNIFER GARNER: We were there.
ROBIN ROBERTS: You lived it. You lived it. (Pointing to Biel) You tell such a funny story about one of Jennifer's...her oldest daughter...who didn't realize who her mom is.
JESSICA BIEL: (After panicked look, a realization) Oh, right. Right.
JENNIFER GARNER: (Icy stare)
JESSICA BIEL: I, um, it was just such a sweet story of, um...she went to school one day and someone said, "You live with Jennifer Garner," and she says, "No, no I don't."
JENNIFER GARNER: (Icy stare)
JESSICA BIEL: "I don't live with her." And then I think she came home and said, "Mommy...who is Jennifer Garner?"
JENNIFER GARNER: "Why did people say that? You're Jennifer Affleck." She says that to me all the time.
ROBIN ROBERTS: She knows you as mom.
JENNIFER GARNER: Yeah.
JESSICA BIEL: It was so sweet. I just love it.
JENNIFER GARNER: She did have a moment, though, where she was like, "You're Jennifer Affleck. Why do people call you Jennifer Garner?"
ROBIN ROBERTS: I just don't get it. They're just now getting to that age where they're understanding who you are. (Suddenly lifting arms high into the air) Jessica, this does...this snow doesn't...doesn't stop you at all. Kilimanjaro, right?
JESSICA BIEL: Oh, yeah.
JENNIFER GARNER: How about that, right?
ROBIN ROBERTS: And CLIMBING!
[Scene.]