This morning, Howard Stern sent shivers through the parents of tweens nationwide with confirmation that he is considering replacing Simon Cowell as head judge on American Idol. Stern, whose five-year, $500 million contract with Sirius Radio expires at the end of this year, seemed excited at the prospect of leaving radio, declaring, "There's not a better job on the planet than judging that f***ing karaoke contest." After deciding on-air that he would probably take the job for $100 million (for four months of taping), the King of All Media discussed how he would bulldoze the franchise many viewers have grown to love and resurrect a new, Stern-friendly version in its place (beware, Ellen and Ryan). Click through for the the complete audio, as well as Stern's desired changes.
1. More Emphasis on Looks
"I'd be honest with them. I'd say, 'Look at you. You're out of shape. Go work out.' [...] It would sort of be more like The Biggest Loser and American Idol combined. I'm going to be frank with these people. 'You're fat! How many fat pop stars do you see?'"
2. No More Untalented Artists Who Bizarrely Gain a Cult Following
"And these William Hung types who come in there and try to hijack the show -- I'll put my boot right up their f***ing ass. I'll throw stuff at them."
3. Taser Guns
"You know what I'm going to buy for my first night on there? One of those taser guns. I'm going to tase these little f*cks. I'm going to say, 'You suck!' [sound effect of screaming] I'm going to tase Ellen DeGeneres. [More tase sound effects] 'Go ahead Ellen, why don't you go do that dumb dance you do on your show. Why don't you dance for us? Here. Here's my taser.'"
4. Less Seacrest, More Hot Chicks
"Oh, I'm not [going to work with Ryan Seacrest]. Because he's going to quit. [...] If I come in there, it's going to be like the Exodus. Remember that? When the Jews left -- where did they leave, Israel or something? Egypt. Yeah. They're going to leave. They're going to look like Jews running out of Egypt. [...] No, he'll probably go with Simon to [X-Factor] but I'd just get rid of him. Let's get a hot chick hosting. Who needs him? I have better chemistry with hot chicks."
5. Racial Profiling
"When that kid Sanjaya comes up, that type, I'm going to hand him a taxi driver's license."
6. More Brutal Honesty
"That Taylor Hicks, I'd go, 'Dude, you're going nowhere. You're not going to Hollywood. You know why not? You have gray f***ing hair. What kid is going to relate to that? You're a douche bag. There's no way you're going to Hollywood. [...] Why would you come here and not dye your hair?"
7. On-the-Spot Career Counseling
"I'm going to have like a whole wardrobe [behind me]. I'm going to say [to the untalented contestants], 'Do you know what I see you as? I see you as an usher on Broadway. Here's a hat and a flashlight. Put this on. Now, we're going to a theater and we'll see if you can find my seat. [...] Fantasia Barrino wouldn't have made it as far. I would have handed her a McDonald's uniform off my rack. [Robin interjects: 'But she can't read'] Then I'd get her a job at a nail salon. I'd march her right down to the nearest nail salon."
America, are you really ready for Howard Stern as your Idol judge?