If you happened to watch last night's explosively rated football explosion, you undoubtedly caught on to a motif that permeated the night's 50+ commercials: manliness. Dudes did everything in the new Super Bowl ads, from playing football to ogling Megan Fox to pitying their own lives, and luckily, where there are one-sided representations of gender roles, there are lessons to be had. Tear open your shirt and drive hard with us through five of the night's machismo-exalting ads.
1. The Dodge Charger chronicles "Man's Last Stand"
Tolerability Level: Low
Lesson: Men are all bubbling-under Lester Burnhams! The presence of stoic men, their somnambulatory stares, and a monotone narrator all concur: Dudes have it pretty rough. They'll "put the seat down" and "watch vampire TV shows" with their female significant others, but they don't have to like it. Luckily, guys can (apparently) all agree on the same cathartic outlet: a Dodge Charger that hits the open road the way Roger Miller intended. Go on in your Sisyphean struggle, gents! The ladies will play parlor games at home, making their favorite Sookie faces at each other until dawn.
2. Bud Light reveals that the Smoke Monster is just a light alcoholic buzz!
Tolerability Level: Medium to Low
Lesson: Men just want to have a good time with their light beers, even if one woman does her damnedest to get off the Lost-parodying island. While she's an evident harpy, the other marooned women seem to enjoy themselves, and you can tell by their willingness to get drunk. At any rate, not all women are joyless pragmatists, but one sure is, and it's probably best to avoid her for now.
3. GoDaddy.com is a business of some sort, but whatever, women are stripping.
Tolerability Level: Scathingly Low
Lesson: Nothing is more comical than when women harangue each other for being salacious -- just before being salacious themselves! This one speaks for itself as the night's low point.
4. Snickers Tackles Betty White and Abe Vigoda!
Tolerability Level: Very High
Lesson: Even if you don't play football like a man, you can play football like million-time Emmy-winner Betty White! Her international recognition as The Happy Homemaker and the pride of St. Olaf doesn't connote gladiatorial athleticism, but it does make her a hell of a sport and a qualified BAMF. Plus, she probably outshines her co-stars here in beer pong skills alone. (P.S. There is a second lesson here: Abe Vigoda can, in less than three seconds, touch upon the inherent exasperation of the human condition.)
5. Megan Fox Will Un-Gay Your Gay Life
Tolerability: Medium
Lesson: A non-pornographic picture of Megan Fox sitting in a bubble bath will cause national catastrophes, preteens to fap, and bitch-slappy fights between gay and straight couples alike. Dudes in general will be distracted for hours on end. That seems unlikely, but of the masculinity-affirming ads to come from last night's Bowl, this one is relatively harmless -- though also unfunny. Ugh, just like this season's SNL premiere.