Project Runway took a near-philanthropic turn this week, staging a challenge that honored women affected by heart disease, and a runway show that shamed them to the nation. Shiny red dresses? Tacky Campbell's Soup iconography? The honorary models looked like reject Ace-flippers from Card Sharks, and I'm talking about the seizure-appropriate Bob Eubanks edition. Also, amid all the heart disease awareness, someone forgot to tell Bunim-Murray that this episode had an acute case of This Is Goddamn Boring. Time to tear it up!
No one has much to say at the top of the episode, save Jesus, who is positive that "dreams come true" now that he's survived three episodes. "Dreams come true" is Latin for "Cute people get what they want," but shh. Maya remarks that she's becoming fast friends with Mila, who is "like an older version" of herself. She didn't bring up Seth Aaron, weirdly, who is like an older version of almost anything I can think of. (Note: Seth Aaron brings this kind of criticism upon himself. You can't dress like a member of Panic at the Disco when you have actually panicked at discos for most of your life.)
On the runway, Heidi doesn't bother greeting the designers properly. "OK," she mutters. "Your regular models are in school today. Tim has a bunch of women in back with shapely faces and the wrong complexion. You talk to them." The designers oblige, and Mr. Gunn explains the challenge with his usual headmasterly gusto.
"Designers!" he coos. "Today you're working with a group of women who are very inspirational. This means they're a little overweight, sure. But they've also survived various heart diseases, and for that reason we want you to make them red dresses with Campbell's Soup logos on them. It's all a part of a Campbell's charity runway show! And a huge red eyesore, inevitably."
Tim wheels out the models, who range in age and size, and each one has a cool story about surviving heart disease. Mila derives muse immediately and vows to use the Campbell's star logo as a large, garish graphic. This will turn her model into an American Gladiators/WCW star whose nickname is "The Aorta." Because I'm a little bored, that's fine. Anna claims that she studied printmaking at some point, which gives her license to trace the Campbell's logo onto red chiffon, and Sethuselah Aaron says the following line: "I'm used to working with Size 4. This is the largest challenge I've ever faced." Slow clap for the night's first awkward confessional posed as professional commentary.
As the designers' sketches come to fruition, Tim Gunn doesn't even have much to say about the quality of the looks. It's hard to advance on the prompt "Create a red dress," even if it's for a good cause. Straight-man Jesse tells Tim that his model has "a really full figure," and Tim interrupts him with, "What was that, breeder? Are you trying to justify this staggering shit fortress of a jacket? Because I'm sure this white, puffy thing is what your woman wants. She wants to wear a bomber jacket over her evening gown. You figured it out. Un-anorexic women prefer to resemble Chicago Bears fans huddled in the tundra. Your insight is touching." Jesus's model happens to be the skinniest of the bunch, and thus far his dress is a fire-engine red, satin number with the Campbell's name sewn into the sides. Tim dissuades him from adding a full train (thank God) and a heap of extra fabric. Unfortunately, he doesn't stop him from attaching rhinestone straps that look like dog chains. Oh well. Onto the runway, where he is served his punishment!
Heidi, Nina, Michael, and guest-judge (and permanent Harvey Weinstein wife) Georgina Chapman of Marchesa helm the scarlet exhibition. The highlights and blowlights:
Maya incorporates the curves of a heart into her design, a flashy valentine-colored frock with a nylon-resembling streak of fabric sewn in. I find it hideous, though the judges remark that "something interesting is going on there." Right, like pantyhouse shoved up a dress at odd angles.
Anna's dress is a basic, A-line mess with a plunging sweetheart neckline. Tim Gunn called it (at Lifetime's website) "one of the lowest points in the history of the show." To be fair, that achievement is pretty impressive. I mean, do you remember Suede from Season Five? He remains stiff competition.
Jesus's red mini-dress makes his thin model look wide at the hips. Plus, he has silver dog-chains as the main focal point. Georgina Chapman remarks that "a good dress is in there somewhere." Heidi questions his taste level even though I'm sure she has no questions, and Michael Kors utters the soon-to-be-famous adage: "You basically took a checklist of things you can turn tacky." Jesus hardly reacts, because suspenders and scarves protect you from the bitchy elements.
Amy has fashioned a flowy, flouncy long dress with some strange label-weaving at the waistline. It moves well, though nothing about this design is memorable. It's a microcosm of the episode as a whole. Your mind ----> blown.
Mila has giant-ass stars all over her dress. It's Evel Kneivel-meets-Captain America, and the judges don't hate it. Mila remains the likeliest candidate to win the whole thing, even if her model is forced to fight crime and speak in dialogue bubbles.
Jesse went ahead with his Starter Jacket-over-evening gown thing, and the whole panel could take it or leave it. Georgina Chapman also remarks that the white waistline isn't flattering on any woman. Nina and Heidi agree that the model has "good bosoms," and a new covenant is struck between them. The bosoms, that is.
Amy wins with her rather bland, diaphanous look, and Jesus -- the dandiest little twink is San Diego -- is given the auf. Do I miss him? Yes. Did he ever make anything that women of planet Earth would mind wearing? Hardly. But there's more to his story; stay tuned for Movieline's interview with Mr. Estrada, where we find out why he ignored Tim Gunn's criticisms and which jackass he believes deserved to go home. Ay, yiy, yiy.