If you survived all 200+ minutes of the last night's Grammy telecast, you numbered among the lucky ones. Or is it the unlucky ones? The night's biggest awards went to lackluster choices (including a particularly disappointing Record of the Year win for Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody"), and one speech reminded us of cinema's greatest faux-gracious award recipient. Unfasten your seatbelts for a review of music's stodgiest, bumpiest night.
1. Beyonce may be a primed performer, and Taylor Swift may be the fun ingenue, but the only exciting -- or mildly unpredictable -- pop phenom at the moment is Lady Gaga. Her performance with Elton John put his old duet with Eminem to shame, and her vocal prowess, full of rasp, carnality, and camp, was revelatory. She began with a standard take on "Poker Face," staged a fall into a fire pit, and then emerged looking charred and cooked with Elton, where they teamed up on dueling pianos for a medley of "Speechless" and "Your Song." Pretty genius that Gaga -- arguably the glitteriest performer alive -- took former glitter king Elton and contrived a stripped-down, even un-shiny performance.
2. Wyclef Jean appeared on stage and talked about Haiti, not the Fugees. Roberta Flack appeared later to perform "Where is the Love" (with Maxwell), and not "Killing Me Softly with His Song." Offstage, Jean and Flack are awarded the honorary Grammy for Finding Clever Ways Not to Remind Everyone of Lauryn Hill.
3. Grammy night's not-gonna-happen nominee Pink staged an acrobatic performance of "Glitter in the Air." It wasn't much different from her VMAs trapeze act, but her ability to sing while spinning in mid-air and not barf was... well, it was a relief.
4. Little songwriting bunny Taylor Swift had already won two Grammys before the telecast (Best Country Vocal Performance, and Best Country Song for "White Horse"). But when the 20-year-old won her first in-ceremony Grammy for Best Country Album, we were treated to the following soundbite: "This is my first time walking up those stairs to accept a Grammy on national television!" Oh! Good! Couple of things: 1) That would only be cute if she had, say, galloped to the stage for the previous awards. And 2) That's the most Eve Harrington-esque quote I have ever heard at an awards show. Who at home wasn't giving their best Bette Davis smirk at that moment? Swift's year-long humility tour piqued tonight, and I expect the backlash against her to ignite now. I'll actually start it off: "You Belong With Me" was the most generic radio hit of last year. There. Go on, carry the torch, everyone.
5. Green Day performed "21 Guns" in the style of a Broadway musical with a bunch of Lea Michele doppelgangers. The memories of "Longview" and "When I Come Around" are all but embers now, and not even in a cool Gaga fire-vat way.
6. Stephen Colbert won the Grammy for Best Comedy Recording. I could've gotten behind this if Colbert weren't uncharacteristically unfunny at the top of the show. Props to Kathy Griffin for not hiding her furor upon losing the award.
7. Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige teamed up for a trill-y version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" in tribute to Haiti. I'm not positive how the lyric "Sail on, Silver Girl," applies to Haiti, but the pain-eyed showmanship of both performers might make you believe the song isn't a nonsense choice. At any rate, Mary J. performed serviceably, but was completely outclassed by her colleague.
8. Though Beyonce didn't win Album of the Year, she still picked up six trophies, a record for a female performer in one night. That defeats the title shared by Alicia Keys and -- you guessed it -- Lauryn Hill. That's a little depressing, wouldn't you say? Beyonce's a mechanically fine performer, but Lauryn Hill's The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is a hip-hop totem. Beyonce's album, alternatively, features an alter-ego with the last name "Fierce," and even Liz Lemon knows that's D.O.A..
9. Taylor Swift became the youngest person to win Album of the Year for Fearless, dethroning 1996's breakout champion Alanis Morissette. Coincidentally, Beyonce included a snippet of Morissette's classic "You Oughta Know" in her performance of the abysmal "If I Were a Boy." But if you want to experience real Grammy magic, treat yourself to Morissette's stripped-down rendition of the hit from the '96 Grammys and allow her to jab your Dave Coulier-sized machismo.