Project Runway's second trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art was decadent and devastating. The judges ordered one of our favorite miniature seamsters to clean up his/her space, and Nina Garcia's criticisms got really mean. Like, meaner than Michael Kors after the tanning salon clerk mentions that "Firewood" isn't his color. Trot along with us as we rediscover the season's most artful -- and stupefyingly bitchy -- episode yet.
Our well-suspendered kid brother Jesus starts off the jokes by telling us he "needs to pull forward" and "must decide what Jesus's design aesthetic is." What? Not true on either count. If the last two episodes have taught us anything, it's that Jesus should do what he wants, send livestock and hula hoops down the runway, and watch as the judges spare him thanks to his adorable gerbil eyes. Wink, run along, and film a couple more Skip-It commercials, Jesus. Then Jesse (the straight designer with the Kraftwerkian hair part) announces point-blank that our precious Ping should go home. Whenever the humorless straight dude gets a bunch of screentime, you know he's onto something. Panicked, America is.
On the runway, Heidi is pregnant to pass the hours. Soon she'll be rolling her eyes, dropping newborns five at a time, and muttering, "Yahtzee" to the RN. Before the designers can even get comfortable in folding chairs, Heidi orders the group to find Tim Gunn and make him drive them to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Everyone cheers. Tim starts weeping because he's the only cast member with a learner's permit, and it's not fair that he has to drive the '89 Chevy Astro van when no one will tell him how to turn on the windshield wipers.
We soon find that the Met is a gorgeous and sprawling place. After Tim wipes the sweat from his brow and the rest of his body, he leads the 14 remaining designers to a room with very well-dressed mannequins.
"Designers!" he proclaims. "This is the Met's Charles Engelhard Court, or, specifically, the curatorial department of the Costume Institute. People born before 1992 think it's incredible. God help us with this group." Seth Aaron nods in agreement and solemnly recalls where he was when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated.
Tim explains that the gallery of haute couture features work by Cristobal Balenciaga, Christian Dior, Yves Saint Laurent, and other people Grace Kelly had the worst lunches of her life with. The challenge is to partner up with a fellow designer (yikes) and create a look that could stand alongside these classic pieces. The minions have two days and a budget of $500, which is a Project Runway record-high. The agonizingly boring selection process produces the following pairings: Jesus and Amy, Anthony and Seth Aaron, Jay and Maya, Ben and Janeane, Mila and Jonathan, Emilio and Anna, and JESSE AND PING. Oh, no. Kraftwerk and craftwork never go together.
In the workroom, people like Maya, Ben, Janeane, Anna, Emilio, and Jay mutter about each other and dream of being a bigger part of this recap. This is where their dream ends. Meanwhile, Anthony and Seth Aaron aren't exactly meshing; Anthony is discouraged because their haute-couture garment is red, yellow, and black. "So far this is for the V.P. at McDonald's," he says, because he is fucking awesome. Mila and Jonathan cruise along in their journey to fulfill Mila's vision of a caped tracksuit. Jesse and Ping, meanwhile, are the stars of this shitshowzen, clawing at each other about leadership and integrity and ideas and the Autobahn.
Ping: He is difficult to work with! He's insecure with my approach. I'm less conventional than he is. I float instead of walk. Magic! Zow!
Jesse: She changes her ideas constantly! I'm always reining in her 'crazy.' And her, because she floats instead of walks.
Tim rejoins the group, and for a split second we think he's going to do his "Ping! Lovely to see you! Let's assess where your garment is offensive" thing, but no. He's here to loose a terrible twist. Tim gathers everyone around and says they must create a second look for $50 based on another team's work. This is hell for the designers, sure, but it's mostly hell for the home viewer. It's lot of dresses and inspirations and unconnected dots to keep in order. Bunim-Murray overestimates our intelligence, for once.
At any rate, only the Jesse/Ping and Seth Aaron/Anthony teams seem thrown by the additional garment. When Ping bought the material for her second look, she happily schlepped it back to Jesse, who took one look at the shiny, silver fabric and deemed it "cheap hooker fabric." Now, Ping is not exactly easy to work with, but Jesse's rage seems convulsive and a little petty. A juice box is in order here, perhaps for both teammates. Jesse's last plea to the camera is, "It sucks to shoot that low, but 'safe' is all I want."
Seth Aaron and Anthony have the other notable fight, and in front of Tim. Anthony bashes Seth Aaron for abandoning one of their garments and then tells us, "I knew that slapping the hell out of Seth Aaron was not the best way to get the greatest result." Yeah, but neither is assembling the gold and black fabric the way he did, in a look that can only be described as "Dame of the Dimestore." No, that is not a touching Rickie Lee Jones single. Oh well. To Heidi's lair, all of you!
Heidi, Nina Garcia, Michael Kors, and guest judge Matthew Williamson are today's grim monks of fate. Today we're only exploring the runway's lowlights, since Mila and Jonathan ran away with this early on. (Jay and Mila were declared runners-up, but their couture look was a season-five Leanne Marshall retread from top to bottom.)
Ping and Jesse failed. In the design you see to the right, Ping created a somewhat pleasing effect with that glimmery metallic fabric, but the model was forced to carry it ("like the Statue of Liberty," as Michael noted) since it was just pinned to the rest of the garment. Their accompanying look was a nondescript slate-gray number. In the judging, Jesse claimed he had to give Ping "sewing lessons," and his model STARTED TALKING AND AGREEING. Ping was left to stand there, look lonely, and wish for the comfort of the caterpillar costume she sleeps in at home.
Seth Aaron and Anthony gave us that gold-topped dimestore gown I mentioned earlier and paired it with a lacy second look. Nina called both looks "seriously ugly" and was seriously right. Except here's the thing: Anthony is the herald angel of warmth in a world so cold. He doesn't need the unholy sorcery, Nina. Save that for the next time Jesus makes a dress out of ribbons and defends it by turning a somersault in his overalls.
Unfortunately, Anthony and Ping, the two most lovable characters on the show, are stuck in the bottom two. Heidi mocks the duo for their shabby, working-class attitudes and eventually dismisses... Ping. Oh, it hurts! I'm not the same! Merrily, Anthony skips back to his mental discotheque, and Ping sobs and sobs to the camera. She cries that she's proud of herself, that she's outdone herself on Project Runway. I agree only because I don't have the emotional capacity to think otherwise during these trying times. The only way we can remedy this madness is by talking with Ping herself -- which is coming up next! Stay tuned for our interview with the wonderful Wu. You can't keep Movieline or the optimism of a nation in your diaper bag, Heidi. Jesus, on the other hand, will fit in the side pouch. FYI.