What's that you say? You've grown hopelessly addicted to our Fave Fives, printing them up and amassing them like some crazy lady in Kentucky who lives up to her waist in decades of accumulated trash, filth and dessicated cat carcasses? (Sorry -- we watched Hoarders last night and it's hard to shake off.) Well then, you're in luck! Next up is New York-based comedian, author and sexpot Julie Klausner, whose book, I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated, comes out on Groundhog Day 2010. Click on to learn what five pop culture moments Julie deemed 2009's most essential.
1. Mackenzie Phillips's High On Arrival
"While mall-walkers ransacked shelves for a copy of Going Rogue, Mackenzie Phillips was quietly raising the stakes of the whole celebrity memoir game with this jaw-dropper. Now, it's going to take a lot more to shock America than confessing to preteen drug abuse, getting arrested for cocaine possession en route to The Rachael Ray Show, 'consensual incest', and aborting what may have very well been your rock star father's love child. And we haven't even discussed Schneider yet!"
2. Dog Watches a Youtube Video of His Owner's Cat And Tries To Make Sense of It
"Who likes dogs? Great. Now, who likes watching dogs THINK? I know, it's not as straightforward of a question, but once you watch this clip, you'll raise your hand just as eagerly. Here is footage of a terrifyingly intelligent dog named Emma cocking her head side to side, trying to making sense of how her owner's cat can be in the computer, and also in the same room. The best part is when Emma goes over to the couch to make sure the actual cat is still there. Just kidding: the best part is all of it."
3. The Musical Tribute to Sid and Marty Krofft on The TV Land Awards
"Are you having trouble sleeping? WITHOUT NIGHTMARES? Clint Black, Cyndi Lauper and Barry Williams joined a cast of energetic theater majors and at least one Witchiepoo impersonator in this hot mess of a medley that was performed, all too live, at this year's TV Land Awards. It's sort of like a community theater production of Ice Capades, but at least you get to hear Greg Brady sing the theme to Lidsville in a Mylar shirt, and that's not nothing. [Thanks David]"
4. Cat Dancers on HBO
"This documentary about Ron and Joy Holiday, an 'exotic-tiger entertainment act' from Florida, is slow going until we learn that Ron and Joy added a third member to the act named Chuck, at which point they all began making love together on a regular basis. And once they got an albino tiger named Jupiter, nothing was ever the same. My favorite new catchphrase: 'Jupiter! You are INBRED!'"
5. Fudgie The Whale and Oreo Man Put Away Their Differences And Pose for a Photo
"This year was crammed tighter than a hoarder's house with bizarre celebrity encounters, from Lady Gaga meeting the Queen:
...to Precious and Alexis finally showing up together in the same place, disproving that they are the same person.
But perhaps the most important celebrity encounter of 2009 was when Carvel mascot Fudgie the Whale decided to make a truce with his rival, Mr. Oreos, in front of a Z100 kiosk and a 'No Parking? No Problem!' banner.
Before you ask: no, I don't know whether or not the two of them had sex after this photo was taken. But if they did, I wish I'd been there, just to lick the sheets afterwards. Only because they'd be delicious-tasting!"
[Photo is, obviously, via @FudgieWhale's Twitter]