This morning, ABC announced it's launching a new reality show, called Conveyor Belt of Love, in which male contestants are rolled out in front of a panel of hungry women like so many glistening slabs of man-sashimi, for selection or rejection as potential sexual partners. (Unfortunately, it seems that the ladies will not be plucking desirable mates from the moving belt with enormous pairs of chopsticks.) While we applaud ABC's efforts to streamline a dating-show process that's become shocking bloated with unnecessary rose ceremonies, wastefully exotic locations and elaborate, insincere proposals, there's even more exciting things they could be doing to shake up the primetime coupling status-quo. And so Movieline, always willing to lend a helping hand to alternative TV execs in need of inspiration, offers a few more ideas for similarly out-of-the-box shows.
Crane Of Love
A pool of 10 eager bachelors, each disillusioned by the frustrating process of searching for the ever-elusive "One," are tossed into a glass tank filled with giant stuffed teddy bears, shoes provided by Payless, and plastic wedding-cake figurines. Female contestants then take turns operating a huge metal claw via joystick, hoping to pluck the man of their dreams from the jumble of prizes, introducing a thrilling element of luck to the proceedings. Hear the studio audience gasp with anticipation, and then disappointment, as the claw descends into the tank, clanks shut, then slides frustratingly off the biceps of a volunteer fireman desperate to meet "a nice girl Mom won't hate for once"!
Trap Door of Love
Eligible bachelors are lined up on stage, five at a time, to answer the questions of that week's lonely -- but still hopeful! -- contestant. Those providing unacceptable responses first hear the sound of the bachelorette-activated buzzer, then a rush of air as the trap door beneath their feet swings open, dropping them directly into a pen full of ravenous cougars.
Cougar Pen of Love
Rejected contestants from Trap Door of Love drop thirty feet from chutes in the set's ceiling into a pen stocked with hungry cougars, then must try to scramble away from a fatal mauling on legs shattered upon impact from their unexpected fall. The last undevoured hunk wins a date with a forty- or fifty-something woman with a taste for younger men.
Stun-Gun of Love
45 bare-chested studaroonies, slathered in a special electroconductive gel, are set loose in the dating arena, where five ladies (chosen for having been traumatically dumped in the final episodes of previous dating shows) armed with powerful stun-guns give chase, hoping to incapacitate Mr. Right. Once paralyzed by their predatory brides-to-be, the limp quarry is dragged to an altar in the middle of the arena, where they're married on the spot. Contestants, of course, have previously waived their rights to contest the marriage on grounds of unconsciousness.
Conveyor Belt of Love: Guy's Choice
It's exactly the same concept as the original Conveyor Belt of Love, but with the men choosing the women. Unfortunately, it would likely be shut down during production by protestors from NOW appalled by the format's uncomfortable similarity to a Dubai harem auction.
ABC rolling out 'Conveyor Belt of Love' [THR Live Feed]