Though the CW pulled out all the stops so that Heather Locklear's return to Melrose Place would be covered with the same sort of press fanfare that might be given to the rebirth of Jesus himself, it's a shame that the network didn't make sure the episode she appeared in would be, y'know, good. Now that I've had a chance to watch the heavily-hyped, ratings-light installment, five things immediately leaped out at me that made this episode -- and this show, for that matter -- a sadly muddled mess:
1. Bad Lines
Aside from the verbally dexterous Katie Cassidy as Ella, most of the other regulars on Melrose Place run the gamut from serviceable to "cannot handle the overwritten dialogue they're given." While you might have assumed that the return of Locklear's Amanda Woodward would provoke the writers to finally craft some snappy lines, even Locklear was larded down with questionable dialogue. Things got so dire that when the CW cut together a promo of her supposedly catty comebacks, this was one of the three they scraped together:
Uh, burn? (Trust me, it makes just as much sense in context -- and feels even more badly written.)
2. Dumb Plotting
Locklear's first scheme in the episode was nonsensical: In order to prove her worth as an underling, Ella was forced by Amanda to give a made-up biography to the featured model they were representing at a fashion launch party. Though the model (series regular Jessica Lucas) came from wealth and had a famous lawyer for a father, Amanda decided that it would make for better press to claim Lucas's character had grown up in the crime-ridden inner city. Apparently, the resolutely 90's Amanda Woodward has never heard of Google and The Smoking Gun, or she would know that the ruse the entire episode hinged on could be disproved with a simple mouse click.
3. Locklear Herself
Though the episode was surprisingly skimpy on Locklear screen time, the actress didn't do herself any favors with her distractingly altered screen appearance. Also, was it just me, or did Locklear suddenly start taking voice lessons at the Holly Hunter School for Slurred Elocution?
4. Wasted Opportunity
I expected Melrose to take full advantage of its Locklear-aided spotlight and go big with a high-stakes episode of twists, turns, backstabbing, and sex. Instead, the episode opened not with Locklear but with its two most pedestrian characters celebrating their happy, stable relationship. From there, the episode idled for a good forty-five minutes until Katie Cassidy made out with a girl and people finally, finally started having sex. Memo to Melrose: Don't save your good stuff for later when there may not even be a later. Bring on the explosions and naked kidnappings and bring them on now!
5. Old-Timers
When the CW brought 90210 back for a second season, the show seemed to have learned one key lesson: It's pointless to devote a lot of time to the characters from the first series, because you're attempting to woo a young audience that couldn't possibly care less about those actors. Instead of taking 90210's cue, Melrose has lurched in the opposite direction, firing two of its young regulars and exhuming five of the old version's stars. If the CW expected "The return of Amanda" to have any resonance for the 15-year-old girls it hopes to attract, it should have simply said, "The return of the actress who played Hilary Duff's mom in a movie you watched when you were, like, 7."