What's On: Stiletto Superstar

It may seem like Mya and partner Dmitry Chaplin outclass the other Dancing With the Stars contestants, but Donny Osmond has bested a crew of flashier adversaries before -- like, for instance, when he had to kill all those other Osmonds to make it in Hollywood. I look forward to more of his smiley scheming this evening.

Dancing With the Stars [8 PM, ABC]

With just four duos remaining, Dancing With the Stars enters its ninth week of competition. Our Pink-fearing point-leader Mya performs a waltz and salsa tonight, and last-place Kelly Osbourne rallies with a rumba and quickstep. Also: Bruno Tonioli grips his heart like Red Foxx and everyone is over it.

Gossip Girl [9 PM, CW]

Lady Gaga appears in tonight's episode after Blair (Leighton Meester) promises to book the singer for a private concert. Gaga has said that her appearance on the show tonight is "like performance art," and this might mean she makes Chuck Bass hang from a giant fishing rod (pseudo-Laurie Anderson stuff happening here) where he utters his famous line, "You just hooked yourself a Bass," but in unsettling monotone and covered in blood.

Million Dollar Listing [10 PM, Bravo]

While Chad struggles to balance his romantic relationship with his career, Josh's health concerns escalate, as he starts having severe memory problems. Meanwhile, Madison throws his reputation into a grease fire when he suggests a client lease a house rather than sell it. As if that Playgirl shoot didn't compromise his house-hawking valor enough?

UHF [8 PM, VH1 Classic]

"Weird Al" Yankovic's cult classic concerns a man who wins a crappy TV station during a poker game and reinvigorates its programming with wacky new shows. It also stars Victoria Jackson, Michael Richards, and Fran Drescher, making the proceedings officially "White & Nerdy."