It's over. Just like that. Thirteen weeks, gone, in the blink of a bourbon-reddened, smoke-teary eye. For the last time this season, please join us for our appraisal of where our favorite Sterling Cooper players stand in the post-JFK world in which they suddenly find themselves. After the jump, the Power Rankings for Mad Men's surprising, utterly satisfying finale:
1. Don Draper (up) Last week: 2
Don's weathered his fair share of blows -- from sex-crazed hippies who want to screw in his motel bed, from fed-up trophy brides looking to move on, from exasperated bosses desperate to get him to sign on the dotted line -- over the past few weeks, and yet here he is, his Brylcreemed dome dented but not cracked, showing that he's still got a little fight in him. Putnam Powell and Lowe is being sold to McCann Erickson? Fine, let's buy this motherf*cker back from those penny-pinching Brits. Betty's hiring a divorce lawyer? Great, she will get nothing, he'll take the kids, then skullf*ck this Henry Francis monster until he begs Don to withdraw his rage-engorged member from his ruptured eye-socket so the coward can explain why he's stealing his wife out from under him. (Until he cools off and decides not to go to war with his already irreparably damaged family.) He's a fighter, at least when there's no conveniently slain compatriot offering up his dog-tags when he feels the need for a fresh start. Sure, he could probably lure Pete Campbell into a supply closet, garrote him with some packing string, and abscond with his identity to Chicago for yet another life-reset, but Don now sees the possibilities of his once-disastrous-seeming situation: Let's reset everything. Put a foot so far up those Limey asses that they can taste high-quality American leather, rob them blind in the middle of the night, and set up shop down the street. See the kids when he can. And wait for the moment when he can bury himself deep in a girlishly weeping Henry's cranium, because that grudge isn't one he's going to give up. Come on, that dude just stole his family.
Season four really can't arrive fast enough. Really, what the f*ck are we supposed to do until then?
Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level: Mouthy Underling in Grave Danger!
As Peggy sat across from an all-business, no-time-for-niceties Don, who just wanted to offer her a chance to escape professional imprisonment within the McCann Erickson Sausage-Fabricating Concern, defiant and demanding of the respect she felt her mentor/tormentor far too grudgingly offered, Draper's fingers stirred atop the desk he'd soon be abandoning. Does she not realize we don't have time for this whiny sh*t? whispered Index Draper. Seriously, doesn't she know this has to happen this second, and we can save the fatherly hugs and pats on the head for after we ransack this place? answered Thumb Draper, while Middle Draper hissed impatiently, We've gotta get inside her, right now, before she starts running at the mouth about her other job offers and lack of respect and career goals, oh Christ, here she goes. Get in her! Get in her! Now now now! But no. Don merely drummed his agitated minions atop his blotter, letting them march in place while Peggy let him know she's tired of the boss taking credit for all her work, that she's not willing to be the poodle he kicks each time he fails. And later, he would appear, hat in hand, vowing to pursue his talented protege to the farthest ends of Manhattan, prying her out from the camisole-shredding death-grip of Duck Phillips' teeth if necessary. Sometimes, the best fingerbanging is the one you never give.
2. Betty Draper (down) Last week: 1
"Dearest Henry,
It's done. I've told Don it's over, it's finally over, I'm seeing a divorce lawyer (I supposed I don't need to tell you this, since he's your lawyer), and soon I'll be in Reno with you and Baby Gene for six weeks of residence-establishing bliss as we prepare for a quickie dissolution of my failed marriage. Why am I writing to you, while you're asleep next to me on this airplane? While I certainly enjoy not having to sneak around anymore, I feel that our relationship could use a touch of the breath-stealing excitement of the days where our only contact was through the mail, with me sending you perfumed, painstakingly hand-crafted expressions of my ardor, and you returning same, occasionally sketching fun cartoons of your throbbing manhood in the margins of your otherwise quite sober correspondence. It's the kind of heady romance I could previously only dream of between chapters in my favorite Joan Austin novels. But now we shall be together always (until I get bored, haha!), you, me, the baby, and the other two. I hope they're OK living with Carla for six weeks. I get the sense she doesn't quite approve of our relationship, as she's given me some quite withering looks -- the nerve! -- each time your name comes up. Oh well. She'll learn to keep her nasty thoughts to herself or she'll be looking for a new batch of brats to watch when we return. I'm sure the help we hire together will be much more open-minded about the whole thing. I'm thinking a cook, a maid, and maybe a nanny? Then we'll have more time together where you can tell me about how you're going to provide for my every need and never fool around on the side like certain other husbands of mine. Anyway, we can discuss this later. You look so peaceful sleeping there on that tiny pillow, a thin stream of drool creeping out of the corner of your mouth. Be well, my prince. You'll be so surprised to find this note waiting on your tray table when you lurch awake during some light turbulence!
Yours forever,
B."
3. Roger Sterling (even) Last week: 3
Truth be told, we sort of hated it when Daddy and Daddy fought, as entertaining as it was. But now Don and Rog have found some middle ground, a common purpose. Don was made to polish the knob, and buff it to a blinding shine it he did, finally admitting there are things that Accounts can do that he has no talent nor taste for. And they re-bonded over drinks as Roger inadvertently broke the news that Henry Francis -- who? -- was stealing Betty from him. Tough one, pal. We're open to more sniping in Season Four, but for now it's nice to know that they've both working towards the same goal. And will probably both take their pokes at Joan. Should be fun.
4. Lane Pryce (up) Last week: unranked
A phone rings in Pryce's office:
"Yes, it's true, we're selling the entire company. But no worries, old chap, we'll put in a good word with the new bosses. They probably won't give you a cobra in a basket and a first-class ticket to Bombay, am I right, Mr. Make Yourself Indispensable? Cheerio, best of luck! Oh, one more thing, old friend. Please don't fire everyone and release them from their contracts so they can clean out the office and open a competing firm in the middle of the night. That would be terribly inconvenient. My best to the wife."
"Very good, sir, very good. But I think you'll want to open the box that should be arriving in your office at precisely this moment. In it, you shall find a basket, and inside that basket, a petrified lion turd. I think the meaning of such a token of my esteem should be clear."
"Oh no, old boy, you didn't."
"I'm afraid I did."
"You've fired the Sterling Cooper principals so that they could open a new firm, haven't you?"
"I have, sir. You see, I am the lion, and that is my turd in the basket. Symbolically, of course."
"Oh, dear. Yes, I see that now."
"I'd hoped you would, sir."
"I hope you understand that now I have to fire you, even if that means you'll now be free to join the others at their firm."
"Do what you must, sir."
"Very well, you are fired."
"Thank you, sir."
"And thank you for the turd in the basket. Quite thoughtful."
"You're welcome, sir. I'm still quite enjoying my cobra, all things considered."
"Kind of you to say, my good man."
"My pleasure, sir."
Oh, Lane Pryce, no longer the too-polite bitch of Putnam Powell and Lowe!
5. Peggy Olson (down) Last week: 4
Well, she did it. She stood up to Don. She knew she had all the leverage, and that worst-case scenario she'd wind up working for Duck, complete with a nooner-benefits package and a generous clothing allowance to replace all the garments torn asunder by his lingerie-gobbling passion, so she had a more-than-solid fallback if Don didn't chase her. But he did chase her, telling her if he didn't hire her right now, he'd keep trying, forever, until she let herself be caught. Finally, she felt wanted, respected, not taken advantage of. Better than a poodle.
And maybe she'd get to keep the nooners with Duck, to boot. Even if now they made her think about JFK a little.
6. Pete Campbell (even) Last week: 6
A list of Pete Campbell's demands before jumping to the new firm:
1. Wants to be partner and have his name in the non-existent lobby.
2. Furthermore, wants his name to appear first, third, and last in the non-existent lobby.
3. No one with hair as nice as Kenny's may join the new firm.
4. Must be granted at least one hour per week to get drunk and make tearful confessions to Trudy about some horrible thing he's done.
5. Wants no fewer than fifteen new adjectives appended to his title while he waits for his name to go up in the non-existent lobby.
6. The new firm must hire Hollis, his favorite elevator operator, who plays a crucial role in his forward-looking development of the urban market.
7. Don and Roger must let him join them for a round of old-fashioneds and iceberg wedges at least twice per month.
8. On Friday afternoons, an area in the bullpen must be cleared for a half-hour dance recital, during which he will demonstrate the newest steps all the kids are doing.
9. No one may make an unpleasant face when mentioning his name for at least six (6) months.
10. No fatties.
7. Joan Holloway (even) Last week: 7
Did you smile, maybe just a little bit, when after fumbling around the office in search of "the materials" necessary for "continuity of service," the light went on in Roger's eyes as he realized he had exactly the right person in mind to make sense of the filing system? Did your heart flutter, maybe just a little bit more, when Roger excused himself to make a phone call? And then, when Joan, the Secretarial Queen of Sterling Cooper, made her grand entrance and immediately took charge of the situation in her exquisitely Joanie way, did you -- maybe more than a little bit, maybe in a slightly embarrassing way -- let out something like a cheer? (OK, maybe it was more of a "whoop," with a fist-pump involved?) No? Really? Are you completely dead inside? Perhaps what you need is to be tied to a king-size Accounts bed, then ball-gagged for your own protection, while Joan Holloway effortlessly transforms a hotel suite into a fully functional advertising office. Then we'll see what joyful flip-flops your cold, cold heart is capable of. Also, Joan is wearing a very tight dress.
8. Henry Francis (down) Last week: 5
Yeah, we sort of hate this guy? He says he wants nothing but to take care of Betty, whom he loves for some reason (i.e., totally hot, maybe not that bright), but all he really wants is a crack at the kind of trophy wife Don got to enjoy for a few years. And he gets an instant new family. Yeah, Henry Francis, hate that guy.
9. Sally Draper (up) Last week: unranked.
Sally Draper PatricideWatch: Sure, she acted "heartbroken" when Mommy and Daddy told her and Bobby that Daddy would be moving away, hoping to lure a sad Daddy back home to his doom. But did she show her hand too much when she lashed out at Daddy, sobbing, "You say things and you don't mean them! And you can't just do that!" Was that too over the top, did she go too big? Will Daddy figure out something's wrong, and never again cuddle up to her on the cot in Granpa Gene's creepy room, making an easy, slumbering target for her lethally modified safety-scissors? Will Daddy just start a new family with some other lady (Miss Farrell? She was always getting that "I wanna be your new mommy" vibe from her favorite teacher) if she scares him off? She's got to reel it in a little bit and consider her next move. See you next season, Daddy.
10. Pappy Whitman (up) Last week: unranked
It's a formative moment in any desperately poor farm boy's life when his Pappy takes him out to the barn, gives him his first swig of moonshine from a jug with XXX emblazoned on the side, and then watches as his father is promptly kicked to death by a horse. You really never get over that one.
On the bubble: Bertram Cooper, for finally showing some spunk instead of sealing himself and his employees in a golden tomb. He's not going to go three-years-and-out and keel over on the golf course. There's plenty of rapey, octopod-based Japanese art yet to buy for his new office.
Not ranked: Cosgrove Kinsey Kurtsmitty, the Fart Department, Duck Phillips, Miss Farrell, Sal Romano, Connie Hilton, Moneypenny, the Sterling Cooper secretarial pool, Bobby Draper, the ghost of Grandpa Gene, Ho-Ho, the Demoral Caterpillar, the Backstory Box, Guy McKendrick, the John Deere 110, Dr. Greg "Dumbfingers" Harris, Focus Group Guy with the French Bulldog, Haunted Barbie, Achilles the Janitor, Danny Farrell, Mother Sterling, Lee "Handsy" Garner Jr, Hilton: Sea of Tranquility, Gertrude the Despoiled Au Pair, the two horny Italian guys, Doug and Sandy the Hippie Grifters, Ann-Margaret, Patio cola, London Fog, the handjobby bellhop, the easy stewardess, Burt Peterson, the Maypole.
Fun fact perhaps apropos of nothing: In two of television finest dramas, Mad Men and Friday Night Lights, the third season ended with our hero having to pack up and move his operation down the street to start over. If nothing else, there's a nice symmetry to that. And it's fun to imagine Coach Taylor taking up smoking in nice suits and Don Draper in a red Lions hat and khaki shorts, barking at a locker-room full of soft kids who need to learn how to win.