Last night's Project Runway dared the home viewer to recall older episodes when the designers did things right. Didn't ring a bell to me either. But as each contestant sewed a companion piece to one of their earlier creations, two new competitions broke out: Irina's one-woman quest to mangle everyone's feelings, and Althea's strange, internal grudge match with paranormal forces.
We've come to the point in the competition where even the My Little Pony-haired designers transform into demonic assholes. Here is our first indication that something is off.
Althea: "I mean (snicker), if I had to pick my favorite designers (giggle, snort), I'd probably ditch the boys and go with me, Irina, Carol-Hannah and -- teehee -- Satan." [Building burns down behind her.]
Something or other possessed Althea, because she became what we in the industry call a mean girl this episode, tearing apart defenseless designers like Gordana (Come on, Althea; Gordana has fumes for parents) but with none of the Victorian entitlement of Irina. This amateur bitchery will be reprimanded in time.
Down on the runway, Heidi addresses the remaining six designers, who are seated in silence with their backs towards the runway. It's all very Symbionese Liberation.
"Don't worry, I'm not assigning Seal to kick anyone's ass," Heidi coos, remembering that Malvin's ass is still on backwards after Seal's first foray into corporal punishment. "However, the embarrassment you will suffer after you see what I have with me will also mess up your face. Turn around!"
The designers turn towards Heidi to see that she has six dress forms with her -- each one exhibiting a remaining contestant's work from a previous challenge. Mortifying, indeed.
Heidi: "Designers, these are the greatest looks you've produced this season. Telling, no? Irina and Althea have some cute shit up here. For you, Logan, we chose the dress that the janitors didn't throw out. For you, Gordana, you had one dress that didn't remind us of scary mid-'90s CNN reports. Christopher and Carol Hannah, you were only born two challenges ago, so we took what was available. Your challenge is to design a companion piece for your greatest look. Aren't you guys lucky Leanne Marshall or Christian Siriano aren't here? We'd just throw prize money at their designs as they walked the runway. Anyway. Make Tim give you a ride."
After a trip to Mood, the designers return to the workroom where Irina has already formulated her thoughts.
Irina: "This challenge is all about making the losers feel like losers. It's only right. It's why I created this challenge. Gordana can go back to that country where they eat shoes for dinner. Logan can strap suspenders on his suitcase home and call it fashion. The winners will just forget him. Now, whenever I mention "winners," which is a plural term, I'm talking about myself. You and I can know that. But also-- um, wait, is someone at the door?"
Low Growl: "Irina. Let me into the confessional." (This is followed by a long howl.)
Irina: "Who is that? I don't know if I want to let you in. You sound angry."
Low Growl: "NOW PLEASE. I'M HUNGRY. Er, I mean... interesting in sharing thoughts."
Irina: "Uh, OK. Let him in, Bunim-Murray." [Door opens.] "Oh. Hey, Althea."
Althea: "Hey, Irina! It's just me! [Giggles.] Are you excited about this challenge?"
Irina: "Huh? Um, sure? Should be --"
Althea: "I WAS THINKING WE COULD TALK ABOUT THE OTHER DESIGNERS."
Irina: "Oh. Hmmm. This pleases me. But your breath smells like flesh."
Althea: "[Snort, chuckle.] Really?! Teehee! Oh, you know. Just craft services! [Chortle.] AND ZOE GLASSNER."
Irina: "Great. Let's sit in the commons over our trig homework and throw fat-free popcorn at designers walking by."
But while those two discuss their issues with mortals, Gordana confesses that she is making "a pants" ( <3 ), and Logan says he's going to take the zipper-heavy look of his original design and amp it up for the new one.
Logan: "I, uh... have something the other designers don't. Zippers for starters. I also, uh, am willing to... 'get my hands dirty.' You know. With the ladies. Otherwise I have nothing."
Christopher, who realizes he used to be a judges' favorite before becoming a brokedown pinata in the eyes of Senorita Garcia, is deluded into thinking he has a great idea on his hands. What a nice change of pace.
Christopher: "I am going big on this one. I saw this mushy white fabric that looks like a thrift store christening gown, and I just thought: What if I get 250 yards of it? I just ran with it! It's going to be great. I figure if the judges don't like it, oh well. We can all just play full-field rugby on it."
Gordana: [Her booming whisper numbed back into italics] "Can I have a moment of your time, dear viewers? I will now make confession that will shock you -- I am from Eastern Europe. Pick up chin from floor. My parents were farmers in Bosnia, and so to be where I am is very remarkable. And where I am is a section of South Carolina known as "Little, Uncomfortable Bulgaria," which is actually not much different than Gehlhausen stomping grounds. I can't lose this competition because I hear they have already turned my neighborhood into a medium-sized TCBY. Anyway. Tankyou."
Tim then enters the workroom and pivots at 90-degree angles when moving from designer to designer.
Tim: "Carol Hannah. Hello. What the fuck are you doing? Take that green fabric and tuck it up under the skirt. See how much it looks like a dress now? This is how clothes happen. I'm happy I was here too. Hey there, Irina! Did you just pelt me with an uncooked kernel of Jiffy Pop? I couldn't tell because I was blinded by your dress, which looks like a tapestry. It's completely unexpected! Unless you shop at Coldwater Creek. Throw a cardigan over it and I could be excited. Mind you, I haven't been excited for anything since Christian left. Greetings, Althea! You're grunting like a stegosaurus for some reason, and I'm choosing to ignore it. Can I tell you my thoughts? It looks like it's waiting for a diaper. Kind of like Christopher here! Hello, Christopher! Let's get you in a diaper and then inspect your work. Ugh. Can I make a really obvious point? This looks like your old dress's mother. You have to rethink those appliques too. And the positioning. I'm going to leave you alone with your uncomfortable smile. Good afternoon, Logan! I see you've turned the volume up to Horrible. I mean, it's a "Wow" dress or something. Don't you have some tight jeans to put on? I don't understand you sometimes. And Gordana, what can I say, this dress combines the joy of the Alaskan pipeline with the subtle flirtation of the Cold War. Lord help us all."
Before we head to the runway, Althea and Irina engage in one final exchange.
Althea: "You know who thinks he's so cute? Teehee! LOGAN... [gurgle, gurgle, gurgle]"
Irina: "I know. With his weird face."
Althea: "Thinks he can just [fire spills out of her eyes] DO WHAT HE WANTS. [Grabs a blimp from the sky and eats it.] ARGHAHHA!"
Irina: "No joke. Did you see Christopher's design? One dress is throwing up the other. It's Bulimia: The Dress."
Althea: "YARHAHA! [Giggle, shrug.] WE WILL TAKE OUR DEEP UNDERWORLD FRIENDSHIP TO THE RUNWAY."
Irina: "Oh. Right. [Winks at camera.]"
Onto the runway, where Nina Garcia is joined by Heidi's terrible outfit, season-two alum Nick Verreos, and actress Kerry Washington. Here's a comprehensive analysis of the designer's fashions, straight from my notes:
Carol Hannah: kinda baby doll, ill-fitted on the boobs.
Althea: coat, harem pants.
Logan: Edwardian collar, torso is messed up.
Irina: sweater jacket, skin tight dress underneath.
Gordana: jacket, Talbot's
Christopher: Layered shit.
Just stunning. After the colorless procession of looks, the judges deem Althea, Carol Hannah, and Irina the top looks and Gordana, Logan, and Christopher the bottom. And now, their spewings:
Nina Garcia: "Most of you must know what you did wrong. Half of these look like droppings, if that makes sense. But Irina, it's very cute! Tres chic! Bonne couture! Except for that cheap-ass brocade. It's a retina-stabber."
Heidi: "I want your look, Althea! For me! You must've made a special pact with someone in order to make something so breathtaking."
Althea: [Sprouting red horns, tail] "IN THE NAME OF MY MAKER, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
Heidi: "Right. And did you steal that baggy sweater idea from Irina?
Irina: "SHE DID. Like an idea burglar."
Althea: "I AM SO angry! Er, angry! What happened to my caps lock? Oh, I, uh -- my powers don't seem to withstand actual criticism. Uh. Well. I guess we all share ideas sometimes! Teehee! Heh! Heh. Dresses!"
Heidi: "Christopher, your dress took a bedskirt with it."
Christopher: "It did! Oh, well."
All Judges in Unison: "Logan, go home."
Logan: "Already packed!"
And so it is. Althea wins the challenge just as her last bit of Michael Kors Sorcery Juice coarses through her veins (later revealed just to be Red Bull), and Logan is booted. He mutters something about how we'll never forget him, but when he turns his body to the side, you can't even see him anymore. In fact, what was his name again?
All images this entry are gleefully pirated from the incomparable Project RunGay.