According to the NY Daily News, or In Touch Weekly, or the shady producer claiming to be behind the almost certainly fictional project, stay-at-TV dad Jon Gosselin and tabloid-powered baby-factory Nadya "Octomom" Suleman are working on a new reality show in which the father of eight and mother of fourteen will date, on the television, in fulfillment of the ancient prophesy. Should this program ever actually happen, it would, of course, mean either the instantaneous end of society or the bold beginning of a newer, better one, one where status will be measured solely by an individual's demonstrated the ability to perpetuate his or her DNA in bulk. In the interest of trying to puzzle out whether this alleged show will serve as either the aforementioned end or beginning of the world, Movieline is closing its eyes, drifting off to a place usually only accessible during intense hypnotherapy, and then transcribing the scenes it sees playing out once the violent, disturbing seizures subside. Enjoy.
THE INTRODUCTION
Jon Gosselin, plus his camera crew, arrive on Nadya's doorstep. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera, takes a deep breath, and finally knocks on the door. It opens. It's Nadya. Behind her, what seem like four-hundred children run to and fro, striking each other with pieces of broken furniture, eating handfuls of driveway gravel, and giving each other amateurish haircuts with gardening implements.
JON
(shyly)
Hi.
NADYA.
Hi yourself.
An awkward silence. A young boy approaches, his hands full of escaped salamanders. Nadya wheels on him.
NADYA
I TOLD YOU TO GO UPSTAIRS AND CLEAN THE BUNK ROOM!
(back to Jon)
Sorry about that. You know how it gets.
He smiles in understanding, then hands her a package.
NADYA
(excitedly covering her mouth)
Leashes!
JON
Fourteen of them.
Nadya's eyes quiver with appreciation.
JON
Shall we?
NADYA
Let's do it. Who's driving?
JON
I've got it taken care of.
He gestures to a school bus behind him, encased in a latex wrap bearing the show's logo. Eight heads stare from the windows.
NADYA
Yay!
THE RESTAURANT
Jon and Nadya sit at the center of a large banquet table, surrounded by chairs for twenty-two children. Most of the seats are unoccupied, as the kids do laps around the restaurant, hurl handfuls of food at each other and the waitstaff, or quietly soil themselves underneath the table. The ones who are actually seated clumsily thrust and parry with utensils.
JON
You know, when they told me you secretly had a crush on me, I couldn't believe it.
NADYA
They said that? I'm blushing!
Her chemically paralyzed face shows no change in color, or movement, whatsoever.
JON
I've just always found you so interesting. Like, why did she not stop after six kids? Why go all the way to fourteen? It's, like, fascinating.
NADYA
I just have so much love to give.
A child approaches her.
OCTO-7
Mommy, so hungry. That one took my food.
He points to a child dancing on a broken plate, its contents strewn across the floor.
NADYA
Mommy's busy! Do you not want five more brothers and sisters and a new show?
OCTO-7
No.
NADYA
Don't be a brat, yes you do. Now go eat.
(to Jon)
Each one is a gift, you know?
JON
Totally.
THE GOODNIGHT
Jon and Nadya stand on the doorstep. She holds the knotted-together end of fourteen leashes, which jerk her to and fro. On the lawn, Jon's kids are tied to a tetherball pole, circling it over and over again. Except for AIDEN GOSSELIN (the one with glasses), who sits near Jon's feet, spinning the arrow on a broken Speak N' Spell, making indiscernible animal noises to himself.
NADYA
I probably shouldn't tell you this.
JON
(glances at camera, winks)
Tell me.
NADYA
Before our date, I put on a Kate wig.
JON
(winces)
Really?
NADYA
I just wanted to see how awful I'd look. Her hair is like so terrible!
He laughs. A laugh-like noise is emitted from Nady's frozen mouth, and her top lip quivers slightly from the exertion.
JON
You're so bad.
NADYA
I know!
AIDEN makes a louder noise.
JON
(to Aiden)
Aid, buddy. Enough with the mooing. That's a duck, anyway.
(to Nadya)
He hasn't been talking much since the split. Doc says he's a motormouth in therapy, though.
NADYA
I love him!
JON
Don't you? He's the only one I really like to hang with. Isn't that right, buddy?
AIDEN ignores him, clucks.
JON
There you go!
NADYA
He's, like, totally marketable.
JON
Totally.
(checks watch)
Well, this was great. But I gotta bounce, if the kids aren't back by 9, the bitch gets three extra weekends and custody of a sperm bank deposit I made, like, ten years ago.
NADYA
Gotcha. So...I'll see you again?
He looks over at a field producer, who gives him a thumbs-up.
JON
You know you will.
He leans in for a kiss. He aims awkwardly for the somewhat liplike, plump things on her face.
NADYA
(deep sigh)
Can't wait. ♦