Eleven down, just two more to go. Go grab your own shoebox full of secret, bring it here, and then let's all move on to this week's Power Rankings together while rummaging through the evidence of our deceptions, shall we?
2. Betty Draper (even) Last week: 2
So. Betty. What to do about the Backstory Box, now that your husband stood you up for the boozy confrontation you'd hoped to have shortly after discovering it in his locked desk drawer? (Again, dear readers, we cannot stress enough the importance of keeping a box full of your deepest, darkest, possibly life-destroying secrets in some kind of secure, off-site location. Bury it under a tree two towns over, if you're suspicious of banks and safety deposit boxes, but get that box out of the house.) Of course, you can head out of town for a sit-down with the family lawyer, who, perhaps unsurprisingly, will tell you to give your marriage another shot. He doesn't hit you, right? Because, sure, you could always file for divorce, if you could prove infidelity (pause for a knowing smirk as Don's every sexual indiscretion comes flooding back), but then he might wind up with the kids anyway, you'd have to sell Gene's house to pay for the whole ordeal, and then where would you be, best case scenario? Staring out the window, taking languid drags off a cigarette, the light in your eyes growing ever dimmer with each unsatisfying puff, listening to the three screaming children no other man -- no better man, no more honest man -- is going to want anything to do with, no matter how pretty you might be. Single and 30-something with a family in 1963 is no better than dead, you know that. That's what Milton the lawyer will tell you.
Go home, give it another shot. Get the drop on Don, who won't be expecting you, can't dodge you this time. Make him explain. Make him cry. You have the upper hand.
1. Don Draper (even) Last week: 1
There's this hoary old saying we all know, "The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist." Yes, we know, it's a terrible, terrible cliche. But let's Draperize it for the circumstances! "The greatest trick Don Draper ever pulled was letting Betty believe she had all the power." We won't argue that Don wasn't genuinely gut-stabbed when Betty stood behind his desk and demanded he open it, when he staggered into the kitchen, alone, wondering if he was about to lose everything. "You know I know what's in there," she said. And we knew she knew he knew she knew what was in there. In that moment, reacting to that knife unexpectedly thrust into his belly, there wasn't time to whip up a plate of his delicious bullshit and somehow make Betty think that secrets are actually a great thing to have in a marriage, that they keep things vital, interesting. ("A secret is the gift of yourself, that you give her bit by bit over time, as you slowly untie the bow together," he might have pitched, if he'd had a few more minutes to think about it.) But maybe after Betty saw a weak-kneed Don for perhaps the first time, and told him to sit down at the kitchen table while she fixed him a drink, he knew how to play it: tell her everything, let yourself cry real tears, give her space, sleep alone, be gently deferential the next morning, read the situation, follow her lead, head off to work. Let her think she's in charge. But she's not in charge. What's she going to do, take the kids and leave? Leave the kids with him? There's really only one possible outcome.
So here we have Don, at Number One. Though Betty, still Number Two, thinks she's on top. (See what we did there, with the numbers?) Everyone can feel good about that, right? Come on, Don's survived blackmail, grifting hippies, a suicidal brother, a moon-colonizing lunatic, pervy Europeans in California, and, so far, Sally. He's not giving up the top spot just yet.
Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level: Depressingly low.
As Don stumbled into the kitchen, legs suddenly rubbery, he fumbled at his tie, releasing himself from its suffocating pressure, exposing his throat. His fingers brushed against an unprotected Adam's Apple. Is this it? This could be it. She knows. Do I just end it right here, right now? The fingers tensed, ready to jam themselves into his windpipe in an honorable hiri-kiri if given the order, allowing their commander to escape an undignified fate of blubbering through a litany of his lies. But the order never came. They relaxed, wrapped themselves around a cigarette and a highball glass, and awaited further instructions. Perhaps next week, after this all blows over, there'll be a chance to relive the glory days, get all up inside a comedian's mouthy wife or a hotel maid or something. But for now, nothing.
3. Roger Sterling (even) Last week: 3
It's nice to see Roger get a little ego-boost time and again. Be reminded of his days as a grade-A cocksman so accomplished his conquests turn up decades later, craving some action, letting him know that they never loved their dead husbands quite as much as they loved his well-polished knob. Did they high-five in 1963? Because we'd totally high-five Rog for that one. Good stuff.
4. Joan Holloway (up) Last week: unranked
"You know what, Joan? You don't know what it's like to want something your whole life, and to plan for it, and to count on it, and not get it, OK? You have no idea what that's like! Your life, being married to me, a rapey jackass who can't even doctor his way out of a wet latex surgical glove, turned out exactly how you wanted it! I mean, exactly! So don't try and comfort me in my time of need, you bitch! Hey, what are you doing with that vase? I bought you that f*cking vase! See how great your life is? You have this great vase, and me, what else do you need in your perfect little life, hmm? No one's telling you you can't chase your dream of working at Bonwit Teller. Now go put that vase down while I tell you more about my future career in banking, and maybe I'll scream at you a little more. Oh, you want to put the vase down on the back of my head? OK, I don't understand why you'd want to do that, but go for it. So anyway, let's keep talking about you not knowing what it's like to be disappointed in how your life turned out. OWWWWWWWW! WHAT THE HELL?"
Nice to have you back, Joanie.
5. Sally Draper (down) Last week: 4
Sally knows. Oh, Sally knows. Do you think Bobby came up with that hobo costume, one that mocks Daddy's humble beginnings and hearkens back to his tramp-adjacent days, all by himself? Of course he didn't, if Bobby picked out his own costume he'd go as Snoopy or Barbie or a pile of dirty laundry or something. The kid's not exactly on the Harvard track, you know?
Sally Draper PatricideWatch: Sally, meanwhile, having temporarily set aside her attraction for shiny, edged weapons, was trying out a more exotic method for dealing with the Daddy Problem. She'd stolen one of those spare buttons off his suit jacket's cuff, where he likely wouldn't notice its absence for a while. She'd gotten Mommy to buy her the Gypsy costume, which seemed like an appropriately theatrical way to dress while working the black magic she learned from the book she stole from the Tarrytown Public Library. If things went according to plan, she'd return the cursed button to his suit, then Daddy would seize his chest in the middle of the night, vomit forth a swarm of black locusts, and dissipate into a cloud of dust. Mommy, of course, would be sleeping on the couch again. Then she and Bobby would eat some candy.
6. Annabelle Mathis (up) Last week: unranked
Modern cougar technology wasn't really developed until 1967's The Graduate, so poor, newly widowed Ms. Mathis was forced to follow her libido back to Sterling Cooper, back to Roger, rather than just taking her dead husband's money and spending the rest of her days feasting on dim twentysomething men with a taste for nice things and an easy life. Oh well, she gave it the old college try, even if Roger (shockingly!) wasn't willing to run around on his still-shiny trophy wife.
7. Peggy Olson (down) Last week: 4
"I can't turn it off, it's actually happening!"
Sometimes Mad Men is the funniest show on television.
8. Miss Farrell (down) Last week: 7
This is how you can tell a high-quality mistress: Even if you leave her hiding in the car for a couple of hours, without explanation, without a rescue attempt, she figures out that the jig is up and shows herself home instead of cluelessly knocking on the front door to find out what's taking you so long in there. She just knows. She's been through this enough times.
9. Greg Harris (up) Last week: unranked
No brains in his fingers, no brains in his head. And, you know, after his basic training and a quick residency in NY, they'll probably just send him to Germany or Vietnam or something. Vietnam, hopefully, because all the messiness will be over by the time he gets there. He hears it's pretty in Vietnam, he and Joanie can have a nice extended vacation in Hanoi! Sounds like a plan, nothing could possibly go wrong.
10. Focus Group Guy With The French Bulldog (up) Last week: unranked
"It's ponies! Caldecott Farms is made out of ponies! They're making our dogs' food out of ponies! Next thing they'll be breeding us like ponies for dog food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!" [He runs off, slams door, scares the other dogs.]
Not ranked: Pete Campbell, Sal Romano, Paul Kinsey, Harry Crane, Bert Cooper, Caldecott Farms Black Beauty™ flavor; Hobo-bby Draper, Connie Hilton, Donald Draper, Peter Lorre.