I wait every year for this Project Runway challenge, where the designers reveal their inspirations, admit this is their first time leaving Omaha, talk about how flowers are "interesting things to look at," and Michael Kors and an extra-special designer (this time, Irina) wonder simultaneously if they're the only living artists left on Earth. Pack your suitcase, page Carmen Sandiego, and get ready for globe-trotting antics featuring lessons from esteemed geography professor Carol Hannah.
The episode begins with prize-winning observations from the gumshoes designers.
Carol Hannah: "It's like, you're wondering, who's going to go next? That's what it's like."
Nicolas: "I have to assert myself as a designer. This whole time I've been asserting myself as an non-designer. I just reread the rules and, admittedly, I was wrong."
Althea: "Making outfits!"
Christopher: "I win and lose a lot, but sometimes I am in the middle. This says something about the competition. I wrote it down with my Troll pen."
On the runway, Heidi stretches her mouth really wildly when she talks. Christopher starts shivering like Heidi is a dark winter night on Lake Minnetonka.
Heidi: "Hallo. Your challenge this week involves a world-renowned designer who is an amateur fly-fisher and a novice carrot. He will have your challenge for you, and, historically, very little patience. Contracts and all. Baiiiiiii."
Tim Gunn reemerges from a night of gunfighting with bad twinks in West Hollywood and carts the remaining kindergarteners (and Gordana) to Rodeo Drive, which is mysteriously golden and cinematic on Project Runway. (It's actually near the worst traffic in Los Angeles, and colors of any kind are shunned there.) The contestants resign themselves to a self-esteem bashing after realizing today's field trip leads directly to the Michael Kors flagship. Logan starts hitting himself for giving up accounting school, and Gordana's ALL CAPS speaking voice fades into world-weary italics.
Meanwhile, Tim thinks this is all very funny.
Tim Gunn: "Designers! We're at the point in the competition where I can't believe half of you are still here. Irina, I just want to throw breadcrumbs at these assholes! How do you contain yourself? And how do you do your hair? Anyway. Today, designers, you're working on behalf of Michael Kors, a famous clothier who used to like appearing on this show. He's going to talk now, if the money is right."
Michael Kors: [snarling] "Designers, I'm so happy about this challenge. You must take a Getty Image of an exotic locale and use it as inspiration for your look. Take for instance this picture of Aspen, where this skier in mid-air looks like an out-of-control helicopter. That's the kind of disturbed fatalist thinking that needs to enter your hemlines. Or, you know, just make a dress that looks like an egg and insults the judges. Who cares? Do what you want. I'm drunk right now and always will be."
After the designers select pictures of exotic locales (ranging from Greece and Saint-Tropez to... Palm Beach and Santa Fe. Jesus Christ, Lifetime), they get right to work making catalog clothes for a resort-savvy American Girl doll set. Imperial Russian monarch Irina finds a quick minute to leave the workroom and form some opinions.
Irina: "My newest tirade is broken down into volumes and chapters for easier rewind value. Let's start with the bug-eyed Chicken McNugget named Carol Hannah. She's supposed to be designing for Palm Beach? Let's see her find that on a map. It can be a map of Florida, honestly. Christopher's designing for Santa Fe, and you know how excited he gets about "Santa." Unfortunately, Reuters just released a new study that claims Santa Fe is not a city-wide Amish version of Charlotte Russe. Someone get this memo to Chrissy! Gordana chose New York and... it's not that bad a dress, but... her face! It's contorted by years of gas-masks! And for that she will always lose. Hehe. Pretty, pretty Irina. Nicolas chose Greece, and Greece is not where they buy utilitarian gray pants for George Orwell's version of Oceania, so nice try. And I guess Logan's really enjoying meeting all of us nice people. As usual, I am inspired by my two role models, Madame Ranevskaya and me, Irina."
The workroom remains relatively quiet, which isn't worth complaining about since this always happens at this point of the season. Better yet, Tim Gunn realizes it's time to compensate for the lack of drama with scathing critiques towards everyone in sight. He even yells at a key grip for being too "cliched."
Gordana: [Bedraggled, with not enough strength to speak in full CAPS LOCK glory] Hello, Tim.
Tim Gunn: Gordana. What's going on with this neck piece? Is it supposed to be a flirty silver albatross? It's saying death and destruction to me. Do four horsemen fly out of this jazz and into Nina Garcia's face?
Gordana: In fact, yes. I tell you time and again about how cool 'tis to be in the competition still. Well, I decided to forecast my inevitable demise with a swinging bird of death rendered in assembly belt gray. The tribute to my childhood, national strife, mother's cooking, is implied. I will now fashion inanimate limbs and affix them to the neck.
Tim Gunn: Uh huh. Grim. I relate. I mean... DON'T BE A CLICHE.
Gordana: AH! YOU SCARED ME. AND YET, YOU'VE AWOKEN MY SPIRIT. CAPS-LOCK GREAT-AUNT GORDANA BACK TO QUASI-LIFE. THANK YOU, GAY MAN OF KNOWINGS. I TAKE THIS INSPIRATION AND USE IT FOR FOOD, LIKELY FOR SEVERAL DAYS.
Tim Gunn: Christ.
On to the runway, where Michael Kors (top American designer) and Nina Garcia (editor-at-make-believe of Marie Claire) are reunited and singing their biggest hits, like "Bridge Over Horrible Taste Level" and "Stairway to Zoe Glassner Being Gone Forever, Thank God." The guest-judge is Milla Jovovich, who says things like, "Uh, I didn't mind that dress. If this was called Project I-Didn't-Mind-It, I'd bid a pass. But Logan? Logan is his name? Logan came up with nothing, and I bet he cried making it."
Irina has produced another impeccable, if slightly dated winter resort outfit. There are beautifully fitted brown pants, a voluminous wintry top, and a fur vest. Not to everyone's taste, but she's the clear winner. I wonder if she has anything to say about it.
Irina: "No offense, but why am I not one of the judges? Can I be a judge and a contestant? It wouldn't be awkward for me. Like it or not, a dumb person has to be eliminated every week. Guess whether I like it or not. Oh, darn! I can't contain the laughter. Had you thinking about it for a minute, I know."
The bottom two are Nicolas and Christopher. Nicolas creates a killer, fitted, swathed white top with high-waisted silver pants (still not Grecian, to be fair), and Christopher's dress suggests that he thinks that women in Santa Fe want to wear turquoise peasant tops, trapezoidal skirts worthy of Frieda from Peanuts, and overly designed belts. Let the Rio Grande run! He's lucky Milla drooled at the tacky-ass belt, because Nicolas is eliminated. Cold! Not as cold as Irina, but scientists are still browsing for that breakthrough.