Yesterday, the debut glimpse of a New Moon werebeast brought much-welcome laughter to a world wearied by Glenn Beck likening progressives to slave owners and worries about which network will finally hire Richard Heene once the helium clears. But, horrific and half-finished though the leapin' lycanthrope was, we have to admit it's not the worst wolfman we've seen. Here, then, from the Bad Movies We Love archives, a brief history of furry freaks.
1. I Was A Teenage Werewolf (1957)
The original explosion of hormones and hair, this introduced Michael Landon to the world. Doing his best James Dean, he's a rebellious adolescent turned into a beast by his high-school's wack-job doctor. Despite the title, which became synonymous with schlock, this is actually a decent little horror flick and packed with amusingly quaint "hipster" dialogue. But the same can't quite be said for Landon's werewolf, whose varsity jacket kinda detracts from his threatening vibe.
2. Werewolves On Wheels (1971)
The bike-exploitation cycle of the hippie era kicked up numerous far-out combinations -- from African-American moto-maniacs to biker molls doing it for themselves -- but none matched the weirdness of this one. A bunch of easy riders who call themselves The Devil's Advocates come unstuck when one of their mamas is cursed to become a werebitch by a bunch of Satanic monks. An outbreak of lycanthropy ensues in the gang. Makes a difference from lice, I suppose.
3. The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here! (1972)
Staten Island schlockmeister Andy Milligan's films, while technically horror, were mostly misanthropic potboilers that reflect his own hatred of, well, pretty much everything and everyone. This one has his usual set-up featuring a dysfunctional family of nutjobs, who argue bitterly and seemingly endlessly. The big reveal? They're all werewolves. Which you might have gotten from the title.
4. The Werewolf Of Washington (1973)
And Me Generation audiences thought they had problems with Nixon in the White House! This stars Dean Stockwell as a presidential aide who, when the moon if full, menaces everyone from ladies in phone booths to the Commander in Chief himself. Meant as a parody of The Wolf Man, and a dig at the then-embattled Tricky Dick, it succeeds as neither. Not much of a showcase for werewolf makeup, either, though the white fur's an unusual touch.
5. Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)
Also known as Howling II: It's Not Over Yet and Howling II: Stirba Werewolf Bitch, this is the deliriously terrible "sequel" to Joe Dante's minor masterpiece. Christopher Lee, long before his Star Wars/Lord Of The Rings comeback, is an occult investigator pitted against Sybil Danning, lycanthrope queen in bondage gear with fur like cotton candy and whose abilities include shooting lasers out of her fingers. A Z-grade classic.
6. Howling III: The Marsupials (1987)
Howling II director Philippe Mora tried to outdo himself with this one, which takes the werewolf legend from Outback Australia onto the main streets of Sydney. Uniformly ridiculous -- our heroine has an "evolutionary freak" in her tummy pouch and her sister-werewolves disguise themselves as nuns -- this has the silliest transformations ever, including one on a ballet performance and a finale blast at, of all places, the Oscars. So kitschy it makes Baz Luhrmann's Australia look like an Ingmar Bergman joint.
7. Teen Wolf Too (1987)
Michael J. Fox's charm made Teen Wolf -- a parody of Michael Landon's film of 30 years earlier -- work as a minor comedy. Pity it was a success, because that meant a greenlight for Teen Wolf Too. Jason Bateman, real-life brother to Fox's Family Ties screen sister Justine, stepped into the role as a cousin of the original teen wolf, whose lycanthropic powers make him his college's boxing champion. It's reliably laugh-free and everything Bateman's done subsequently has been a step up. With the possible exception of The Sweetest Thing.
8. Van Helsing (2004)
The bare chest of The Sexiest Man Alive and a bear-sized, entirely weightless CGI were-beastie? New Moon's sexy-manimal is probably directly related to the similarly lackluster lycanthrope of Stephen Sommers' misbegotten monster mash. Weirdly, YouTube is filled with clips of Hugh Jackman shedding his skin to become a werewolf set to all sorts of discordant music, from Polish techno to American heavy metal. But no clip captures the gritty realism of the scene better than this.
9. Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans (2009)
Has there been a more useless franchise in recent memory than Underworld? The original squandered a decent premise, with Len Wiseman seemingly of the opinion that wife Kate Beckinsale in skintight leather could divert us from story holes and his hack direction. Their sequel was, remarkably, worse, and threw frenzied editing of underlit scenes into the mix. Len and Kate at least saw sense and avoided the third installment. Instead, veteran special effects guy Patrick Tatopoulos stepped up and cast Kate-a-like Rhona Mitra. As the title suggests, there are werewolves in the movie, but, truth be told, it's hard to see exactly how crap they are, given the film veers between underlit blue haze and Exxon Valdez-oil spill black.
Michael Adams is the author of the upcoming comic memoir Showgirls, Teen Wolves, And Astro Zombies: A Film Critic's Year-Long Quest To Find And Watch The Worst Movie Ever Made (HarperCollins)