Distract yourself from the fact that Christina Aguilera still looks like a Matryoshka version of JonBenet Ramsey and philosophize with me: How can a group of historically knowledgeable designers botch a challenge devoted to the fun of stagewear? Do they not understand Project Runway? I vow to answer these queries thoroughly, and almost seriously. Let's retrace this episode's descent into the glittery kiln of hell.
For a nice change of pace, this episode begins with the remaining designers giving inarticulate confessionals. Shirin passionately explains that she "belongs in the competition," but we do not hear enough to guess if she's talking about hula-hooping, firefly-catching, or what. Christopher says something about "being in the bottom" too many times, and all the viewers here at Virtel Manor clank wine glasses and yell, "Girl" to that. And Carol-Hannah chimes in that "slow and steady wins the race," which is one of life's great lies.
On the runway, Heidi has big news for the eight contestants.
"Welcome, designers. And you too, Logan. Gordana, you won the last challenge despite my clear resentment, and for that I respect you. You have immunity this round, which leaves you plenty of time to reflect on the locusts that ravaged your split-level. To the rest of you, Tim's backstage with someone you'll really want to meet. Perhaps he will even have some Pez for you, Carol Hannah. Ciao!"
Racing backstage in a Yours, Mine, and Ours heap, the designers enter a dark, strange lair with the name "Bob Mackie" stamped on the back wall. Tim's standing there with the glitzy costumer himself, as well as many of his famous gowns for Cher, Madonna, Diana Ross, and other panther demons of ancient Sumeria.
"Designers!" Tim caws. "I am standing here with Bob Mackie, who is regularly called 'The Sultan of Sequins.' (Whispered): Makes me want to take a bath! Today you're going to be designing a dress in the style of Bob Mackie, which is going to require imagination, ingenuity, and my absence. Because I'll just start dry-heaving right there. No offense. You also have to design for a specific client in mind. She is a five-time Grammy-winner known the world over for her fashion statements, incredible voice, and clown hair. She also calls herself "provocative," and today we'll find out if she knows what that word means. I'm talking about Christina Aguilera, babies! Get excited! Logan, she's a singer."
The designers slap each other with glee and trot to Mood for fabrics. Mysteriously, for a challenge devoted to gaudy stagewear, no one is picking any color. A melange of sparkly white, black, and gray fabrics leave the store, leading viewers to believe that none of the designers know who Cher is. (How very Bradley Baumkirchner of them!) There's an air of failure stinking up the episode already, and Nina Garcia hasn't even howled at the sky and thrown her mechanical limbs at a plebeian yet.
And now, a smattering of almost-actual dialogue:
Christopher: "I want to make an '80s punk prom look. Nothing can go wrong with this idea! The '80s ruled! I was born in 2002."
Carol Hannah: "I never do things this over the top! It's causing me to hesitate. Well, that and... Logan's beauty. (Naughty saxophone interlude). His arched brow. His sharpened chin. His confusion with sentences. Meow, I say! Not that he's still in the game just because the producers wanted a romance to blossom. Not at all. I just love him! I want to use his metallic cheekbones as a foxy protractor, I swear."
Logan: "I don't follow Christina Aguilera as much as the others. My design aesthetic is different than hers. She's more 'Glam' and I'm more a 'Heterosexual Void.' Someone feed me."
Nicolas: "I have waited every day of my life to meet Bob Mackie. This is the greatest episode of Project Runway ever. Ever! Christina Aguilera is also a huge innovator. She made it OK for girls to catapult their cleavage right into the face of society and drive a wedge into sexism using only her areolas. Did I mention that sometimes when I close my eyes, I am her?"
Gordana: "(Whispering) THIS IS NOT SUM'TING I WILL BE PROUD OF. OH, THE EMBERS OF A CHILDHOOD SPENT IN A HAUNTED LUMBERYARD. THEY SINGE MY AMBITION TO PLEASE MS. CHRISTINA. I HAVE TO BE SPEEDY GONZALES IF I AM TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE. NO, NOT THE CARTOON CHARACTER. I'M REFERRING TO THE SPANISH TYCOON WHO TURNED MY VILLAGE INTO EXPERIMENTAL PLANT FOR MAKING PAPER OUT OF ENDANGERED BIRDS. HE IS BRUSQUE IN MANNER, BUT INSPIRATIONAL IN HIS ACHIEVEMENT. I AM FEELING FRAZZLED! OR IS IT AGE-OLD RADIOACTIVITY? ONE RARELY KNOWS."
Shirin: "I've chosen Hollywood glamor as an inspiration. I want to capture the spirit of classic sirens like Rihanna and Lo Bosworth."
Althea: "Dresses!"
Irina: "You can tell who's a moron here based on what fabric he or she bought. Look at Shirin. Grinning as she covers up her fug polyester, and her illiteracy. It's sad, yeah, but sometimes you don't realize something is funny until you laugh out loud at it. I'm at that point already. She's putting ruffles on her outfit too, because that always works out in the end. Did you know that the Russian pronunciation of my name is "Bryant Park"? Oh well. Back to winning."
Tim Gunn: "Hello designers! I'm here to check up on your work and offer diplomatic instruction. Let's start with you, Shir -- OH, MY GOD, A VICIOUS DRAGON. Oh. Sorry, Shirin. Your dress startled me. Give me a moment to take it all in. Well, I will say that it is (lowers voice) a disappointment. It looks like student work. That's saying something, because sometimes you just need a driver's license to get into fashion school. And where's the big reveal? We want to see a 'super sexy slut' not Guinevere-meets-Vampyra. This isn't a tea party at Michael Kors's house for heaven's sake. Have you seen Christina Aguilera? Furstenberg and I saw her at the Staples Center, and she bedded six men before the encore. Keep that in mind. Gordana, your look is matronly. I'll leave you to your emotions. Althea, what a "wow" look! Christopher, go to bed. Carol Hannah, you have a winner here, despite your inability to un-cross your eyes. Irina, I hate everyone here. Let's crank call Isaac Mizrahi again."
On to the runway, where Heidi reintroduces the long lost Nina Garcia, laments Michael Kors's absence by muttering something about a face-torching procedure "gone wrong," and introduces guest-judges Bob Mackie and Christina Aguilera. Guys, the dresses this week are so boring they aren't worth revisiting. Shirin's is too fluttery and Halloween-y. Christopher's is too everything-Tim-said. Gordana's is too joyless and reminiscent of an orphanage fire. Carol Hannah's has feathers, and for that Christina Aguilera raises both eyelids. She is the winner.
I actually get stressed out when Shirin and Christopher are named the bottom two, since both designers have produced decent designs in the past. Ultimately Shirin gets the boot, which is pretty much an enormous crime compared to Logan's lame ouevre. Next week, both Garcia and Kors return, meaning we'll at least have several pages of Holly Hobby references and mastiff-like snarls to analyze. Those two freaks are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring them down. And they don't even have to out-whore Lil Kim in a terrible music video. Alright, cut the lights.