Wedding challenges dot Project Runway's history with some special moments -- some you even want to remember. Last night's divorce-oriented challenge was an undeniable delight, marked by insane self-absorption, delusion, and the ascent of a mythological vulture god named Gordana. Revisit the parade of Polyester Brides (credit: Liz Phair) after the jump!
Before the nine remaining designers scamper to the workroom to learn about the episode's challenge, Irina has a few things to say about modesty, building relationships, eating, praying, and loving.
"The other designers hate that I win so much. I would too, if I were a born-and-bred loser, like these folks. It's a case of T.P.B., Typical Proletariat Behavior. I've won two challenges, and some of these people haven't even been in the Top 3. Laughing! I'm laughing, which always hurts. To make a metaphor totally unrelated to the bleak Victorian parlor room drama in my mind, these people cannot just chop down their loser-built Cherry Orchard and move on with their lives. Unrelated: I was the lead in Gisele four years in a row. They kept saying something about how I was gorgeous and talented. Teehee! Who knew? Well, I did, see. That's why I keep winning, even today."
On the runway, Heidi decides to regale us with more than her usual batch of ten to fifteen mystery words. In fact, she explains the entire challenge in startling detail! This is exactly what the world felt like when Vanna Speaks came out.
"Designers," she says. "Let's bring out your new models. Oh, my! Look at them! They are older, average-weight women. A real P.T. Barnum spectacle. You have to turn their old wedding dress into something hot and hip and now, because they are frisky divorcees looking to get laid. Some of these women have bigger wedding dresses with more material to work with, and that's because Project Runway is boring when it's about fairness."
The minute that Heidi introduces the challenge, I cringe that the concept is a repeat prompt from a prior season. Luckily, I'm only partly correct -- this challenge replicated a terrific episode of the phenomenal Project Runway Canada, starring my first sorceress bride Iman. But you probably didn't know that. And, after all, this recap is about you.
From the top of the episode, Gordana receives a lot of screen time, which, to put it in Tim Gunn terms, worries me. To put it in insane terms, I hid in the cupboards. Gordana is clearly the reason I watch this show, and when she starts receiving "the loser edit" (quoth the boys at Project RunGay) it's more gruesome than Saw. Within the first ten minutes, we see Gordana in a confessional no less than three times. A death knell, surely! She also admits that she is a divorcee, because sometimes husbands don't understand that she is an asbestos-suffocated Eastern Bloc angel on this cruel Earth. We'll get back to her strife momentarily.
Shirin, however, has not only picked the fussiest bride, but the shortest, most impossible material to work with. Her client Charlie's dress is skimpy and polyester, a woeful combo. She can't even dye the gown a new color, which is pretty perturbing when Irina is in the corner, gleefully turning her fabric a luscious mocha and slapping her own ass in victory. To make matters worse, Charlie insists she wants a "Cher in Half-Breed" look. Shirin knows that's impossible and frets immediately.
After a trip to Mood where the designers are only allowed to buy two extra yards of fabric, Carol-Hannah notes that she makes her living making wedding dresses. She admits that tearing up a pre-existing gown feels like "running into a church and swearing at the top of your lungs." I feel like Carol-Hannah and her friends might actually do that sort of thing, maybe after consuming large amounts of orange soda and Pez. Epperson says that he plans to use very little of the original wedding dress for his design, and notes, "You won't even know this has anything to do with a wedding dress." Clearly, Epperson has never heard of Project Runway. That's exactly the type of call that gets you eliminated.
Now, back to Gordana, who becomes worried and isolated during the challenge. She declares that she needs to call her family back home, and my feelings agree. Forced to leave a voicemail with her loved ones, she unleashes a painful monologue, which I have transcribed here:
"HELLO [sob]. IT'S ME. GORDI. YOUR LITTLE SIVI AMERIČKI MEDVJED [grizzly bear]. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT MY DISTRESS LEVEL IS BIGGER, DEEPER AND MORE MOURNFUL THAN THE CHUM-FILLED SHORES OF THE ADRIATIC'S QUESTIONABLE SLOVENIAN CORNER. I JUST MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH. THE PAIN COMPOUNDS MY NAIVELY OPTIMISTIC CHILDHOOD OF BEFRIENDING COMMON WOOD PLANKS AND MY CONSTANT NIGHTMARE OF A RETURN TO HABSBURG RULE. AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THIS IS NO WORSE THAN A TRADITIONAL AMERICAN MAROON 5 CONCERT. OH, HOW I MISS YOU ALL. LIKE YOU, SMALL AVRELIJA, AND YOUR STARTLING BROWN EYES THAT WERE ORIGINALLY BLUE BUT A ROGUE MARMOT INTERVENED. OR YOU, BLITHE LITTLE FRANCISEK. AT SIX YEARS OLD, YOU ARE A FINE ARTIST. I WISH I HAD TIME TO COMMEND YOU THOROUGHLY ON YOUR DIRE, ACCURATE CHARCOAL RENDERING OF THE NATIONAL RAILWAY. THE PURPLE APOCALYPTIC SKY IS NOT ARTISTIC EXAGGERATION, HISTORIANS WILL NOTE. OTHERWISE, I AM FINE. HAVING A GOOD TIME. OKAY, THAT IS ALL FROM YOUR LITTLE POZABLJENE ZELJE [forgotten cabbage]. BYE."
Tim Gunn enters the workroom with high hopes and starts evaluating each designer. He observes Christopher's flimsy, puffy dress and notes, "She's going to look like a cougar." He scowls like a dragon at Epperson's creation, saying, "The core of this look has to be the wedding dress. It looks like a lab coat." Shirin is understandably frazzled, bursting into tears when Tim notes that she should "play with the colorblocking. You have to be liberated from this. And by this I mean the horseshit of a bargain-bin Cher costume you think you're making." Lastly, he remarks to the consummately underwhelming Logan, "OK, Logan, just figure this out. Make it work. Or shoot me in the f*cking head and don't make it work. Sit over there and polish your cheekbones. Either way."
The designers only have a day to finish their entire look, so Shirin starts backtracking and stitching artsy seams into her design. Within seconds, her dress looks better -- adorable, even. She says, "At this point, I'm not concerned about making a dress that will restart [her client's] life. I'm concerned about making a dress that won't get me voted off." Irina chimes in, "Selfishness is life!" and downs a shot. Notoriously unfunny Nicolas says he hates his own design and shoots a side-eye at the camera during the fitting. It is funny. Wow. I really like this episode, weirdly.
On to the runway, where Michael Kors, the always-better-than-Zoe-Glassner Zanna Roberts, and Jimmy Choo bigwig Tamara Mellon comprise a delightfully cross-legged judging panel. Let's rip the runway's highs, lows, and Eastern European victories.
-Logan has created a ruffled, dowdy top with (and I have the acumen to express this) the worst pants in Project Runway history. In fact, this is one of the worst designs the show has ever seen. In fact, why is Logan here? Heidi says she is speechless, meaning she's just attracted to him and will let it slide.
-Irina sends down a remarkable, deep champagne lace dress that looks a tinge too precious and matronly for me. That said, it's a brilliantly crafted look, and I fully expect over 20 minutes of bragging from her at the top of next episode.
-Shirin's short cocktail dress with a black sash seems pedestrian at first, but her circular seaming turns the dress into high-end material. Mellon notes that the geometric lines are right on trend, and Michael Kors produces a switchblade upon hearing that Shirin ditched the "Cher in Half-Breed" idea.
-Gordana produces a smoke-gray dress that hugs her model's contours with exquisite ribbing. Kors notes that it's edgy and chic, and Heidi hides her clear Gordana contempt for a few euphoric moments.
-Christopher shoots out a puffy dress black-and-white dress that isn't horrible under heavy lighting. That said, it fits like a plastic bag. Kors comes in with the jab, "It's like a metallic hefty bag cinched at the west," and my new role model Zanna Roberts says, "Oh, it's stretch? Hmm. It's a stretch." Zoe Glassner, how could you be more dead to me?
-Epperson's dress is gross -- a cheap white look with an overly stuff black-and-white bodice. It also uses very little of the original wedding dress, just as Epperson promised. Heidi throws her hands up and says, "I thought I made myself clear. You were supposed to work with the wedding dress. Your client, she didn't ask for an Oktoberfest moment. Or a pirate's wench. Or the death of decency."
Start up the fanfare, because Gordana WINS! She runs off the runway after administering a speedy bicycle kick to Irina's face. Logan and Epperson make up the Bottom Two; now, while Epperson's is terrible, Logan's work is truly unforgivable -- and barely wearable. This is why it's bizarre that Epperson is sent home. He almost won two challenges, and Logan has not once produced memorable work. I left this episode perturbed, which is a real accomplishment considering Gordana's humankind-redeeming victory.
Next week: The Contempt From Columbia, Miss Nina Garcia, returns! Judging by the preview, she has not learned any diplomatic smiling techniques in her absence. Things affirmed by this fact: Reasons to live.