After a couple of weeks in which Mad Men's plotting raced along like two drug-addled hippie grifters atop a John Deere Lawn Tractor, shredding toes and cold-cocking disillusioned ad men with reckless abandon, the show took a step back and offered the kind of slower, more deliberate episode that prompts comparison to "an entertaining wax museum" by some critics. Whatever. You can't hobble smarmy Brits and pop reds with horny hitchhikers every week, you know? Below, the Power Rankings for a quieter, gentler installment of Mad Men:
1. Don Draper (even) Last week: 1
It's almost like last week didn't happen, as Don seemed to shrug off those Job-like trials (an embarrassing shiner is sort of like a plague of boils, right?), tighten his momentarily tenuous grip on the top spot in the Power Rankings, and jet off to Rome to mix up his sex life a bit by schtupping the wife. In fact, things suddenly seemed so stable after the previous episode's world-rocking developments that no one even sat behind his desk as a subtle "f*ck you." (To be fair, Don didn't spend any time at the Sterling Cooper office. For all we know, Bert Cooper was kicking back in Don's chair while an still-resentful Roger was squatting over an open drawer to leave his rival a reminder of who's the boss.) But this unexpected placidity in Don's family and professional lives is almost certainly a misdirection; soon, Matthew Weiner will once again pull the rug out from under his protagonist's blindingly polished lace-ups, sending him sprawling to the floor after the long-gestating (if totally suburban-dad-cliche) fling with Miss Farrell is consummated and she turns to stalking Don, whispering things about how she's Sally's new Mommy in the girl's ear and sending her home with creepy finger-paintings in which she's replaced a hastily scribbled-out Betty in a family portrait. And when that happens, Don will figure out a way to turn it in his favor. Possibly by agreeing to make another baby for Carla to take care of.
Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level: Moderate
The scene: a cafe in Rome. Betty, fresh from an appointment where she used a combination of her conversational Italian, a photo of a screen icon torn from a magazine, and some clumsy pantomime involving buzzing and stinging to communicate she'd like to be outiftted as "a WASP Sophia Loren," is beset by a pair of swarthy locals as she waits for her husband to arrive for a little romantic role-playing. Don takes a seat near his stunning wife, and after enduring a few barbs delivered in the local tongue, places his hand on the table and asks her, "Translate something for these gentlemen, would you?" She nods, blushing her way through her translation. "Look, Vittorio and Silvio, or whatever your names are. I don't know this beautiful woman, but I know this. She'll be leaving with me. You see a vulnerable American having a cigarette alone, and you circle like the common vultures you are, hoping to leave nothing but some picked-over bones once you've had your way. I see a beautiful woman who's about to be ravished until daybreak in a room in the finest hotel in Rome by someone who sees her as more than simple prey. Now I want you to see something else. These two fingers. If you don't leave this lady alone right now, I'm going to bury them so deep inside the both of you that you'll be crying out to the Pope himself for help. Now that we understand each other, I'll wish you buona sera." They exit.
2. Betty Draper (up) Last week: 4
What's this? Betty Draper, allowing the dashing, powerful Henry Francis no more than a kiss through the window of her dead father's car as thanks for stopping the reservoir development dead in its tracks? Even after she bought some ugly-ass antique sofa last week to remember a head-spinning day of pie and window-shopping every time she collapsed onto it in a frustrated heap because Baby Gene just won't stop crying? And then this same Betty Draper jets off to Rome with her husband for a marriage-reinvigorating vacation, when she has the opportunity to stay home and finally put out for a man so patient in his pursuit that he was willing to wait until she squeezed out a baby before closing the deal? We hardly recognize this Betty.
We do, however, recognize the Betty who whined about hating her friends and her boring old Tarrytown life and her rotten kids and pretty much everything that doesn't involve 48 hours of carefree hotel sex in a faraway place. That Betty, that's our Betty.
3. Pete Campbell (up) Last week: 7
Oh, Weasly Pete Campbell, Caddish Despoiler of German Nannies! Of course, even with Trudy away, he can't manage to pull off what seems like it should've been the perfect au-pair-diddling crime, setting up the vulnerable frau for some sexual payback by fixing her dress and possibly saving her job. No, he's the Bizarro Draper, somehow reducing the nanny to postcoital tears (perhaps because of some unspeakable act he begged for, like the Bavarian Butter Churn) and breaking down in front of a totally unsuspecting wife who wants nothing more than to ignore her husband's extramarital shenanigans. Still, he did get laid and didn't lose his marriage, despite his utter bungling of a simple, one-off affair, and in the Mad Men universe, that's worthy of a decent bump in the Power Rankings.
4. Roger Sterling (down) Last week: 2
How is Roger up this high in a week where he didn't even appear? His name is on the wall. (Points to wall, indicating spot where the Sterling name is.) Is Don Draper's name on that wall? No, no it isn't. Maybe in three years, when his contract's up, once he's proven a little bit of loyalty. But it's not there now. Jesus, these cuticles are a mess. Who needs a manicure and a stiff drink? Meet you at Angelo's? No? Look, if you come along, I'll tip extra and he'll throw in some under-the-smock knob-polishing. Great, see you there.
5. Sally Draper (up) Last week: unranked
So, Sally gets a boy into a bathtub, and instead of just going in for the kiss, she has to wrap it all up in recreating some kind of family psychodrama about her parents on a car trip. Nothing to see here, folks.
Sally Draper PatricideWatch: As Betty offered some motherly advice about how her daughter mishandled the Ernie-in-the-tub situation ("You're going to have a lot of first kisses. You're going to want it to be special, so you'll remember. It's where you go from being a stranger to knowing someone. And every kiss with them after that is a shadow of that kiss"), Sally's eyes seemed to glaze over, disappointed that Mommy didn't end her speech with, "And then after you get to know that person in that special way, and they're under your spell, they'll help you kill Daddy. You can't depend on the idiot brother of yours to get the job done, honey."
6. Peggy Olson (down) Last week: 3
Somewhere, a hotel maid knocks gingerly on the door of the suite she hasn't been able to clean for seven days, then presses a drinking glass to that door because her "Housekeeping!" pleas have gone unanswered for so long, and hears the faint sounds of teeth tearing at a complimentary bathrobe, then muffled moans of pleasure. She returns the glass to her cart, pledging to repeat the process tomorrow, hoping that next time she'll finally be able to replace what must be some very filthy linens.
7. Henry Francis (up) Last week: 8
"Oh, hi, everyone. Hi, Junior League of Tarrytown. Just thought I'd drop by your meeting here to get this reservoir thing delayed pending a few more years of exhaustive water quality research. Why? Well, I'm just a fan of clean water and preserving natural beauty, that's all. No ulterior motive here. Hey, Miss Draper, can I talk to you after the hearing? Perhaps in your car, where we can have some privacy to further discuss the steps going forward? Oh, you'd be more comfortable if I stand outside the car? Are you sure? I did kind of just kill the reservoir thing for you, and discussing this in the back of the car might be more productive. Or if you insist, at a motel room, where there's privacy. Shouldn't take more than an hour. No? Just a quick little conference with me awkwardly leaning into the car? You sure? Have it your way. I can wait you out. Remember, when you have no power, delay. I'm great at delaying."
8. Connie Hilton (up) Last week: 9
In the episode's most conspicuous power move, Connie had Don fly halfway across the world just to fill out a comment card about room service. Next week: Connie asks Don to spend a day as a bellhop in Paris.
9. Joan Holloway (up) Last week: unranked
It's heartbreaking to see Joan humbled like this, reduced to clerking in a department store, helping Pete cheat on his wife (come on, dude, everyone knows Trudy's not a size 10), and lying about her rapey, dumb-fingered husband's change of specialty. After a week absent for the show and another one with just a single, humiliating scene, Joan will rise again. We know she will.
10 (tie). Italian Guys (up) Last week: unranked
10 (tie). Gertrude the Au Pair(up) Last week: unranked
What's worse: being an unwitting pawn in the Drapers' mildly kinky Roman role-playing game, or having sex with Pete Campbell? (See above re: Bavarian Butter Churn for the answer.)
Not ranked: Ken Cosgrove, Paul Kinsey, Harry Crane, Sal Romano, Bobby Draper, Carla, room service, the Overtipped Italian Bellhop, Ernie, the stained dress.