After a long night of confirming it all in encyclopedias and scholarly journals, I'm emotionally prepared to discuss all that I learned during this week's episode of Project Runway. Chalk and slates ready. 1) There is a color in existence named "blue." It is right here on page 377. 2) Macy's likes to design some of their clothes in "blue." Check Movieline for further updates. 3) "Blue" is an edgy enough color that it can have its own challenge. It is uncontrollable. You can't put "blue" in a box. "Blue" is your past and your fear. And lastly, 4) The producers of Project Runway are hitting the cyanide-flavored crackpipe now, because this is easily the stupidest, most ass-chafingly awful challenge in the history of the show. Come on, let's work through the horrid blue yonder together.
Before the 10 remaining contestants bother Heidi on the runway with optimism, an important announcement is made by the official mascot of Movieline, Gordana Gehlhausen:
"IT REALLY IS LIKE THE OLYMPIC GAMES," she murmured, but still loud enough to send viewers and meandering wolves flying into walls. "WE'RE ALL PERFECT ATHLETES, BUT ONE COMES ONE OR TWO SECONDS BEFORE THE OTHERS. MY STRIFE IS BEST EXPLAINED THROUGH JURE FRANKO'S SILVER MEDAL WIN AT THE 1984 WINTER GAMES. AS ALL CIVILIANS OF THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA KNOW, WE BELIEVE IT IS UNBECOMING TO MOVE ONE'S LIMBS SUDDENLY, OR AT ALL ON SOME DAYS. WELL, WHEN FRANKO COMPETED IN GIANT SLALOM, INFECTED THE ZEITGEIST WITH THE JOY OF MOTION, AND INTRODUCED YUGOSLAVIA'S NAME TO THE NON-YUGOSLAVIAN UNIVERSE, WE FELT REJUVENATED, WHOLE, ARGUABLY ORGANISMS UNDER THE SUN. SOME INSPIRED CHILDREN MOVED THEIR LIMBS ABLY AFTERWARD (THEY WERE REPRIMANDED). BUT THING IS, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE A MAJOR FORCE, WE ARE STILL SECOND PLACE. I LEARN TO CHANNEL MY FRUSTRATION INTO MY DESIGNS, AS WELL AS THE INEVITABLE DEMISE OF SWITZERLAND'S MAX JULEN. AMEN. THANK YOU."
On the runway, Heidi congratulates Nicolas on his stupid, stupid win last week with that feathered Bai Ling number. All she says about the upcoming challenge is it "involves color," which is a big change from the rest of the show, you understand. The ten sewing vagabonds meet Tim Gunn backstage, who is standing with a frozen-faced woman in a blazer. "I'm going to hand over this garbage dump of a challenge to Martine Riordan of Macy's!" he says, backing out of the room slowly. Martine then nervously commands the designers with stilted emphasis on what ever syllable she pleases. "DeSIGNers! Macy's is a store. We are focused ON wearable clothes that are sometimes in the COLOR blue. Your challenge! Is to make two blue outfits for the Macy's Inc line. Let me remind you: Blue can mean different things to different people. For me, like all colors, it means hopelessness. You're working in teams of two so you can really hash out what blue means to you."
Can you believe this? The challenge is to make two blue dresses. That's it. Blue isn't even a fabric. We could've been treated to a "Render Nina Garcia's hatred of the Weinsteins in a series of animal-mauled, blood-red looks," but no, not even close. After all the designers sketch ideas and pitch them to Martine, she selects five of the designers to be team leaders. The team leaders then choose their partners, and a rollicking hour of blueness can begin. Irina, Carol Hannah, Louise, Christopher, and Althea are selected as team leaders, with Althea noting that she's been picked as team leader for every group challenge so far. That's two whole challenges, Althea, including this one, so props on your massive accomplishment and shady counting skills.
Louise and Nicolas pair up to create a duo of ruffly looks. Louise notes, "My two designs are so strong that I'm confident we'll be in the top." Nicolas notes, "I hate ruffles. I'll say it 40 times this episode, in fact." Even on paper, Louise's designs look like basic silhouettes festooned with frills -- which makes one wonder why she was selected as team leader in the first place. After last episode when the trenchant, all-knowing judge Zoe Glassner said her dress "looked like a snoozefest" (because that looks like something), Louise is clearly attempting an exciting rebound, but her idea is flat-out ugly, particularly for the Macy's brand.
Carol Hannah and Shirin start composing basic, high-waisted pencil skirts and midnight blue tops. Their ideas are boring, but cohesive and wearable enough for a department store that proudly sells the wares of Mariah Carey. Christopher is ebullient with his designs and his choice of a partner in Epperson; they conceive of a shirt-dress for their first look and a long, bubbly top with leggings for their second. You'll notice those two ideas bear no resemblance to each other. In the designs, we ogle a Banana Republic baby blue for the shirt-dress and a saturated teal silk for the bubble contraption. Oh, Christopher. How your penchant for emotional outbursts will soon come close to tearing you in half while Epperson, again, refuses to feel.
Irina, meanwhile, thinks her partner Gordana is a freight train stowaway who sneaked into production. "I fear that Gordana will steal linen from Mood, construct a shabby bindle, and hitchhike into the heartland," the consummately bitchy Republic-of-Georgian says, practically. Gordana complains that Irina just dismisses all of her work and gives no direction. I'll give you one guess as to whose side of this back-and-forth slalom I take.
Logan and Althea contrive businesswear-related looks. When the camera turns to the highly polygonal face of Logan, Gordana pipes in via confessional that everyone thinks he's hot. I assume this is Cold War trauma talking, because Logan looks like shabbily chiseled Nintendo 64 graphics. To me, he is a forgettable passerby in the Ocarina of Time.
Tim Gunn's criticisms of everyone's looks aren't particularly noteworthy, save his vote of concern for the cohesion of Epperson and Christopher's dresses. He reserves the greatest criticism for his own dignity, alone in the dark, where the cameras can't find him. "Blue? Blue," he mutters, following with a self-loathing snicker. "I went to Yale and I'm instructing shitheads from the valley about the wonder of blue. I could call Isaac Mizrahi to replace me by the end of the day. I could make this all go away. I could still change my name and dazzle Lincoln Center with my french horn. I know it."
Onto the runway! Heidi Klum notes beforehand that "one or more designers could be sent home," Michael Kors makes a valiant return, and Zoe Glassner is mercifully replaced Marie Claire editor Zanna Roberts. The aqua-tinged highlights are on the next page:
-Louise and the immunity-boasting Nicolas are eviscerated for their basic sky-blue dress overflowing with navy ruffles and their ruffly, tight midnight blue frock. Michael Kors is already bitchier than social scientists have ever predicted possible. "This truly looks like a bridesmaid's dress with a shower Luffa ruching up the front of it. No modern girl wants to wear it." I will not pretend I can improve upon that.
-Carol Hannah and Shirin land among the top two teams for their clean, super blue dresses. One of them has a curlicue-bedazzled neckline. That means innovation in this challenge.
-Christopher starts bawling immediately when Michael Kors unleashes the following diatribe: "It looks like a librarian's shirtdress from 1979. The fabric has a shine, and I guess you thought that was a twist. I actually think it looks like a tablecloth. I swap over, get to this teal disco charmeuse disco pumpkin. Did you really think they went together? They don't." How did we watch this show without Michael? How?
-Irina and Gordana score the other lauded pair of designs. A striped, diaphanous number (composed entirely by Irina) wins the real praise. Gordana remains excited, however, and in the corner of a few frames we see her close her eyes and pretend to ski into the sun.
In the end, Irina wins her second challenge, and Louise and Christopher comprise the bottom two. Christopher is crying so hard that Heidi Klum can barely mutter maternal tirades loud enough for production. In haste, she eliminates Louise, who has been disappointing for several challenges in a row.
Tune in next week for more color-themed drama and perhaps the reappearance of Nina Garcia. Now that Michael Kors is back, Nina likely feels evil enough for public consumption again. Otherwise, the era of Project Runway blue balls continues, and without a horrible challenge to commemorate the versatility of our unhealthy testicular hue.