Let's Make These Hills Salaries Fair

The leaked hierarchy of salaries on MTV's The Hills reads like a charity prom date auction where the loudest cheerleaders win expensive bids from the hot, part-time DJ sons of CEOs, while relative wallflowers like Lo Bosworth are left to accept cheap offers from the nervous, normal guys who live in the wrong part of Bel Air. Fortunately, it's not too late to renegotiate the salaries on The Hills and make them fair for everyone -- even the dastardly Fleshbeard.

Kristin Cavallari

Currently Makes: $90,000 per episode

Should Make: Less than I make

With all due-but-not-really respect, when did returning Laguna Beach bunny Kristin Cavallari ever garner a headline worth a damn? When do her exploits ever reach that zeitgeist-y, all-too-simple metaphor for our plight as an gossip-consuming populace? If your antics can't be footnoted in a state school sophomore's treatise on media and consumers, I'm afraid you weren't ever on The Hills, to me. I worry that Cavallari is content with keeping her drama wrapped up within producer-mandated storylines, and that has nothing to do with agitating the shit out of Lou Diamond Phillips. Large-scale fail, MTV.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Currently Make: $100,000 and $65,000 per episode, respectively

Should Make: Double? Quadruple? Duodecuple? Give them Brody Jenner's $45,000 an episode too. He has Playboy money rolling in anyway.

This is what I'm talking about. For Hills diehards, every character might seem memorable, but for those who are only peripherally interested in bored twentysomethings challenging each other to a season-long "Who has the heaviest eyelids?" tournament, the world needs Heidi and Spencer. They're the Bonnie & Clyde, Tommy & Mariah, and Julius & Ethel Rosenberg of our time: slutty, quotable, the unsexiest duo since Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki, and always willing to say something horrible at the expense of Michael Jackson. I don't know what else you want from your stars, America.

Audrina Patridge

Currently Makes: $100,000 per episode

Should Make: Same

She may possess the blank, confused stare of an America's Funniest Home Videos father who's just been smacked in the crotch with a wiffle bat, but Audrina Patridge gives us none of the lame diplomacy of Lauren Conrad and all of the Beavis-like quotes we need from a second banana. Seriously, ask her anything. For instance: What's your favorite movie scene? Her answer: Something about Ryan Gosling and loving it! I love it.

Lauren "Lo" Bosworth

Currently Makes: $100,000 per episode

Should Make: Someone's sandwich

Anyone who tries to maintain an "indifferent" relationship with Heidi and Spencer, but sort-of-might-still stick up for her friend L.C. is pretty much dead to me. She's supposed to be the uppity best friend of the wayward Lauren Conrad, but she still seems noncommittal, especially when interviewed. Example A: referring to Laguna Beach as "a really organic experience." Ugh, for who? These franchises are as organic as blue Gatorade. Enough. Turkey club, please.

'Hills' Salaries Exposed [The Daily Beast]