In the 48-year history of Movieline's Mad Men Power Rankings, never have we been confronted with a week with so many plot twists, power plays and sweaty go-arounds in need of evaluation. Indeed, last night was a sleepless one, spent alternately staring at the ceiling and tossing side to side, strangled by bedsheets rendered as menacing as draft-dodging, pill-proffering hitchhikers by our restless mind, as we tried to make sense of all that transpired on Sunday. After the jump, the results of our struggle:
1. Don Draper (even) Last week: 1
As we all remember all too vividly, last week's episode was quite neatly summed up by Joan's waiting room wisdom: "One minute, you're on top of the world. And the next some secretary's running you over with a lawnmower." Oh, for the simpler days of mere lawn-tractor-based mutilations! This week's summary could be no less complex than, "One minute, you're about to bed the hot teacher, close the Hilton account, continue to string along your bosses with your air of calculated unavailability, and possibly wind up in the middle of a drug-fueled three-way with a couple of hitchhiking teenagers. The next you're being cold-cocked by some punk who keeps calling you Cadillac, getting blackmailed by the boss you thought you had wrapped around your finger, savaging your talented copy girl for no good reason, being called on the carpet by your dependably passive wife, and, perhaps most gallingly of all, watching in horror as that horny teacher's knees snap shut after your transparent come-on reveals you're just another bored, booze-soaked suburbanite looking for an easy lay." Indeed, quite a mouthful. Perhaps Joan disappeared for a week to practice delivering that line.
And yet Don Draper still sits atop our Power Rankings. Indeed, there was something undignified enough, unsettling enough, in seeing a black-eyed Draper awake in that motel room, among strewn bottles, a bed freshly messed by his assailants, and a lighter wallet, to seriously consider a previously unthinkable drop to number two. And the impulse to downgrade Don only grew stronger as Bert Cooper gut-stabbed him with his fountain pen and blackmailed our staggered hero into signing that three-year contract in his own bourbon-fortified blood. But in the end, even after that drug-induced visitation by Pappy Whitman, Don's woman-soft hands, those hands that make nothing but grow bullshit, were somehow still clinging to the top ranking. He'll emerge from this week smarter, stronger. Resolute. You can bet that the next time Don picks up a couple of horny kids in the middle of a self-pity bender, he'll ravage the both of them to the point of death, ditch the bodies in a forest in Bedford Falls, then assume their identities, ultimately living as both unknowable, haunted man and suspiciously lantern-jawed wife in a Canadian border town a stone's throw from Niagara Falls. Maybe he'll open a general store. But he'll be still selling something. And still on top of the rankings.
Don Draper Fingerbang Threat Level: Dangerously Low.
For a while there, it seemed almost inevitable that one of Don's myriad antagonists would wind up on the business-end of a good, firm, power-reestablishing fingerbang, squirming with a mix of pleasure and distress as Draper tried to put his suddenly collapsing world back in order, one deeply penetrating knuckle at time. Would Connie be the victim for daring to upbraid Don in his own office sanctuary for arriving to work fifteen minutes late? Or Betty, for getting all uppity about the man-business of his contract? Or even Roger, for calling up Betty behind his back and emboldening her to interfere with his contractual power-play? It could have been all of them.
But it was none of them. By the end of the episode, it was as if Miss Farrell -- whom a few short weeks ago was practically begging to become a forgettable notch on his rapidly splintering bedpost -- slipped one of those eclipse-viewing cardboard boxes onto Don's head, and while his vision was impaired, kicked him in the groin, then invited over all of Draper's swarming nemeses to take their own pokes at the staggered alpha-male, cackling with glee as his once-feared digits flailed in the air, impotently searching out orifices to invade, to dominate.
This was not Don's finest fingerbanging moment.
2. Roger Sterling (even) Last week: 2
You know who's really sick and tired of The Face Of The Business's "this place was nothing before me, is nothing without me" act? Well, pretty much everyone. But Roger Sterling in particular, that's who. Right from the beginning, when Don blanched after being informed that his contractual status had to be firmed up to close the Hilton account, bullshitting, "I've gotten to know Connie Hilton. I think he'll enjoy something he can't have," Rog knew he really was talking about the two guys with their names on the firm's wall. And so he rang up Betty, knowing that a simple Jedi mind trick would get her to do the heavy lifting for him and further antagonize Don. Afterward, we'd like to think he headed over to Angelo's for a touch-up manicure, muttering something about, "I'll show you what's effeminate, guy. Getting harangued by your bored wife about job stuff, that's pretty effeminate, bub."
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: No.
3. Peggy Olsen (up) Last week: 9
Wooed, smacked down, and go-arounded to within an inch of her newly liberated, city-girl life, it was a big, big week for Peggy. Big week!
Compare and contrast:
Don to Peggy: "You were my secretary. And now you have an office, and a job, that a lot of full-grown men would kill for. Every time I turn around you have your hand in my pocket. You want a raise, you want this account. Put your nose down and pay attention to your work. Because there's not one thing you've done here that I couldn't live without." And: "You're good. Get better. Stop asking for things. Close the door."
Duck Phillips to Peggy: "I want to take you in that bedroom, lock the door, take your clothes off with my teeth, throw you on the bed, and give you a go-around like you've never had." With his teeth! Impregnatin' Pete Campbell never worked kinky teeth-play into his game while trying to get between Peggy's legs. Nor did the dum-dum from the bar. Or anyone she's ever slept with, apparently. But Duck knows Peggy's worth it. And he's willing to tell the hotel cleaning lady to scram until he's finished nibbling his way through her entire wardrobe.
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: No. (But cried in front of it, a little.)
4. Betty Draper (up) Last week: 5
What's this? Betty's standing up to Don? Sure, Rog was using her as a puppet. But she didn't back down when Don tried to end the contract conversation by condescendingly barking, "Let me explain something to you about business, since as usual you're turning this into something about yourself. No contract means I have all the power. They want me, but they can't have me." Instead, she volleyed back with a withering, "You're right. Why would I think that has anything to do with me? It's three years, Don. What's the matter, you think you don't know where you're going to be in three years?" Of course, after Don stormed out to begin his ill-fated bender, Betty was probably dragging anxiously on a cigarette while staring out a window and wondering how exactly she wound up in front of this window anxiously puffing on a cigarette after pumping out three kids for a distant, vaguely dissatisfied husband, but we still have to applaud her feistiness. Even if her newfound spine was fortified by the attention of a certain smitten consultant who could boost her standing within the Junior League.
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: N/A. But she did buy an ugly, decor-destroying antique sofa because it reminds her of the tingly feeling she had while window-shopping with Henry Francis.
5. Duck Phillips (up) Last week: unranked
Oh, Duck, if only you'd shown this kind of passion when Don was muscling you out of Sterling Cooper! We may have been treated to a clothes-chomping vs. fingerbanging showdown, wherein a bloodthirsty mob of co-workers cheered on the combatants as teeth gnashed and hands flew crotchward until only one man, bloodied but unbowed, stood victorious.
Nice work with Peggy, though. Your cocksmanship is unimpeachable, sir.
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: No.
6. Bertram Cooper (up) Last week: unranked
Too long marginalized by the British overlords to whom he'd sold his soul, the once omnipotent Bert had been waiting for an opportunity to feel powerful again, finally finding one by boxing an ungrateful Don's ears after he continued to resist signing a contract. "You, Don, have been standing on someone's shoulders. We brought you in, we nurtured you like family. And now is the time to pay us back. You can't go any further on your own, Don." Then came the blackmail. "Would you say I know something about you, Don?" "I would" "Then sign. After all, when it comes down to it, who's really signing this contract anyway?" And sign he did, face still throbbing from an episode-long fender-bender.
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: Yes.
7. Pete Campbell (down) Last week: 6
"Stop barging in here. You're affecting me with your anxiety." Pete Campbell did little barging in this week after that initial encounter with Peggy. But Sneering Pete did receive a box of Cuban cigars from a hot-in-pursuit Duck Phillips. Which means that at some point, Pete will arrive at Suite 600 in the late afternoon to return the inappropriate gift, exchange a few potential deal points with Grey's poach-happy headhunter, and then, once all that thinly veiled foreplay is dispensed with, lock eyes with Duck as he says, "I want to take you in that bedroom, lock the door, gnaw through your hundred-dollar suit with my teeth, chase you around the bed for a little while until you get tired, and give you a go-around that will make those weasly little eyes of yours bounce around in your skull like a couple of jai alai balls."
And then Pete Campbell will be working at Grey by the end of Week Nine.
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: No. Dreams about doing so nightly, but can't get up the nerve.
8. Henry Francis (up) Last week: unranked
"Hello? Oh, it's Betty Draper! How are you? You've got that baby out of you now, yes? Good, good. So I can drive up to Ossining or Tarrytown or wherever on the way to Albany to seduce you over some pie and Junior League nonsense? I can? Terrific. This is exactly why I put in the work while you were still pregnant, because I knew one day you'd pretend you needed something from my pal the Governor, then we'd chat about it, and a later date, perhaps two or three more episodes down the line, we'd be having some sex because your husband neglects you. Great, it's a date."
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: No.
9. Connie Hilton (up) Last week: unranked
When Connie first appeared a few weeks ago, in a chance encounter where he bonded with Draper over the piss-poor alcohol selection of a country club bar, who could've known he'd soon be tipping over the domino that would set in motion a series of events that would end with a couple of hippie grifters busting up Don's face and Bert Cooper blackmailing the commitment-averse ad man into three years of contractual servitude? Actually, we saw it coming. All of it. Even the thing with the tractor! (Fine, we did not really see it coming.)
Sat behind Don's desk in a subtle power-play: Yes. Because Don was late, and Connie's used to being the guy who slaps his big swinging dick up on the desk while doing business.
10. Miss Farrell (up) Last week: unranked
Yeah, she sees right through Don. But she's still totally gonna do him, even if she's going to string him along for a little longer and take the occasional knowing jab at his boredom-induced philandering. Also, she seems, um, how do we put this gently, a little nuts? Don's not gonna let a good roll in the hay with a crazy wildcat go, even if she's going to make him feel like a plaid-shirted, new-teacher-diddling cliche.
Sally Draper PatricideWatch: Since nearly every other character seemed willing to try and kill Daddy this week, Sally took the week off. Though she did spend some time whispering subliminal commands into Bobby's ear as he slept, knowing she might one day need to summon him to assist her in her murderous mission. Daddy's very big and strong, she might need an easily controllable ankle-biter to distract him when she's going in for the coup de grace.
Exiting: Doug and Sandy. For a minute there, we thought you really might want nothing more than to have a good time with Don and make him forget all about the contract drama. But then you restored our faith that all TV hitchhikers, no matter how innocent-seeming (you know, despite the pills and reefer and whatnot), will eventually drug you, club you over the head, and make off with all your money. And for that, we thank you. Oh, one more thing: Did you "do it" when Don was laying on the floor, unconscious? You did? You kinky, kinky kids. Nicely played.
Not ranked: Joan Holloway (shocking!), Sally Draper, Sal Romano, Harry Crane, Ken Cosgrove, Paul Kinsey, a box of Cuban cigars, the interior decorator, cheddar cheese on pie, Roman Polanski, the Hermès scarf.