Movieline's Casting Suggestions for Diablo Cody's Sweet Valley High
Before I begin this post, in which I attempt to cast Diablo Cody's Sweet Valley High, I have a confession to make: I, a man, maaaaay have read some of these books. Wait, I can explain! I have a twin sister, and she had all of them laying around when I was a kid. Also, I was a completely voracious reader back then, and I was like, "Hey, I'm a twin, and so are these characters! Perhaps I'll read one of these on a Sunday afternoon now that I've finished Dostoevsky." OK, also, I was gay. There's that.
Anyway, now that we've gotten that preface out of the way, let's own our quirks and attempt to cast this thing:
Characters: Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield
Description: Elizabeth is the more studious twin who hopes to someday become a journalist (oh, the dreams of the 80's!), while Jessica is the flibbertigibbet cheerleader. As Wikipedia (and every opening chapter) puts it, they both have sun-kissed blonde hair, golden California tans, dazzling blue-green eyes, tiny dimples in their left cheeks, and perfect size six figures.
Ideal Actor: If she hasn't fled the Cody coop after the box office performance of Jennifer's Body, Amanda Seyfried would make split-screen hay of these roles. According to Cody, she's even posed for some of the books written by Francine Pascal, Sweet Valley High's creator.
Runners-Up: Taylor Swift, Emma Roberts
Character: Todd Wilkins
Description: Elizabeth's boring, hunky boyfriend who drives a motorcycle even though Elizabeth is not allowed to get on any motorcycles.
Ideal Actor: Taylor Lautner's got this part on lockdown. He loves introducing teenage girls to the exhilarating joys or motorcycle riding, especially if it means he can take off his shirt.
Runner-Up: Penn Badgley
Character: Lila Fowler
Description: The closest thing Sweet Valley High has to a mean girl, she's Jessica's fashionable frienemy.
Ideal Actor: So why not go full circle and cast from Mean Girls? I sense a comeback role for Lindsay Lohan! Who wouldn't thrill to the sight of Lila cooing to Jessica's face but then, once she was out of sight, composing a hard-bitten, nicotine-fueled Twitter kiss-off?
Runners-Up: AnnaLynne McCord, Sally Draper
Character: Bruce Patman
Description: Jessica's ex, a wealthy, arrogant tennis player. When she beats him at his own game he snots, "Who do you think you are, Chris Evert Lloyd?" Again: The 80's, folks!
Ideal Actor: Twilight's Kellan Lutz would be a perfect fit -- just don't book him for any Sweet Valley cruises.
Runner-Up: Chace Crawford
Character: Winston Egbert
Description: Winston's the class goofball, unafraid to try out for the cheerleading team if it means getting the joke.
Ideal Actor: This part calls for an improv-friendly actor who's in on the joke, so who better than Jonah Hill to riff on Sweet Valley High's cast of gorgeous hardbodies?
Runners-Up: Bo Burnham, Jesse Eisenberg
Keep going with your suggestions! I'm embarrassed to say how much more I know.
Comments
Amanda Seyfried is the Fabio of '80s teen literature?
Hows about me as the Super stud with a dark secret (he's a Cutter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A Cutter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
How bout, I dunno, some real twins who are unknown actresses?
Hasn't Vincent Chase had sex with twins? Cast them.
I would just like to say that since writing this post, I have heard from other guys who may have read some Sweet Valley books. Straight ones! Let out your shame secrets, everyone. This is a healing time.
Not bloody likely!
You and men like you provided cosmic balance to my dykey refusal of my sister's hand-me-down training bra lit. Godspeed
You mean John Cutter, Passenger 57?
I may have had my own little pony, but I NEVER read one of my sis's SVH books. Never.
Whoever plays Todd MUST have green eyes. Taylor and his miracle abs are not well-suited for the role.
you was gay, kyle?
Never fret, Sixhundred: Even the most eager ex-gay ministry in the world wouldn't accept a Sweet Valley reader. I remain squarely on Team Same-Sex.
Remember when Jessica spiked Elizabeth's drink at prom and then Liz drunk drove and she killed Jessica's boyfriend Sam?
Don't even try to pretend you didn't read my Sweet Valley University books, Kyle.
You stay out of this, you enabler! I did no such thing!
Aside from Taylor Lautner all of these people are too old to play teenagers. Or at least look too old. Amanda Seyfried would have been a good fit though because she's able to play geeky and glam.
I know Mary-Kate was an enabler in the death of Heath Ledger, but can't those adroit, genteel, and savvy Olson twins get some love in this Sweet Valley High liturgy? In the timeless words of Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”
Ever heard of contacts, hon?
It's difficult for me to accept that Leighton Meester is not in the running in this list for Lila Fowler.
Totally agree!