The producers of Project Runway were, like us, considering suicide at the start of Episode Five. Their complicated reasons: 1) The season sucked; 2) Michael Kors and Nina Garcia were still M.I.A., with rumors circulating that they were just playing Skee Ball at Dave & Busters and watching Diane von Furstenberg win a toaster using only her free-throw skills; 3) No contestant stood out. No one was interesting. While not all of those problems were solved this week, at least two saw happy turnarounds. Polish your pinstripes, dandies! This episode was excellent!
We start the episode with a beautiful quote from Johnny, the reformed meth addict who has harvested a worse dependency on screen time. "Being in the bottom three was the most empty feeling I've ever felt," he opines. Besides the deadly meth addiction, right? Is anyone else worried that his entire backstory is a not-so-elaborate lie? I think he's actually a 15-year-old girl named Kallie who doesn't fit in at winter formal. The oversize pink polo is a clever gay ruse. Elsewhere in the apartments, the heretofore silent Irina says that Althea's win last week was not "well-earned," unlike her trip to Moscow, which she and her sisters Masha and Olga have anticipated in the parlor room for years. The claws are out! And so is the Louis Virtel stamp of fun times.
On the runway, Heidi emerges with a not-so-puzzling clue about the new challenge. "This challenge is black and white and read all over!" she says, or something. "Tim will care enough to explain." The designers trek out with the Smokin' Gunn to the headquarters for The Los Angeles Times. "Designers!" he exclaims. "Newspapers are one of the most glamorously bankrupt industries in the United States. This woman next to me, Times fashion critic Booth Moore? She makes $50,000 a year, tops. Can't afford to leave the house. But she's here to accept non-perishable food donations AND tell you about your new challenge!" Booth Moore dispenses with the inevitable "Make a dress out of these newspapers" prompt, and the designers race to grab thousands of fresh copies. It's going to be a newsprint-heavy day on the runway, kids. I just wish someone contributed 70 cents a day so that Booth Moore could live long enough to enjoy it.
When they all retreat to the newsroom, Tim Gunn imparts a lengthy monologue about the history of paper dresses. For real. There's a montage of paper dress sketches and everything. "You have to re-brand the paper dress for 2009!" he clamors. Irina starts painting her jagged newspaper creation a crimson red, while the chatty Shirin has decided to rip off Season Five champion Leanne Marshall's signature flap-heavy skirts. You hot chicks with glasses can't just all make the same dress! We get confused at home! Christopher gasps passionately about his plan for a rigid top with a long fluttery skirt, because that's the same dress he's wearing underneath his street clothes. The "sassy contestant" Nicolas, who keeps trying out these "jokes" during confessionals, is wrinkling newspaper wildly and dyeing it red. Also: This man looks exactly like squeaky NPR contributor Sarah Vowell. I figured it out and told all my friends, and now you, the home reader, are a friend.
Elsewhere: Ra'mon announces his concept, and I swear he namedrops "cubism" and "origami." He actually means "puffy paint" and "homelesswear." Lastly, my hero Gordana explains her two designs to Tim Gunn, saying, "NOW, TIM. IN YUGOSLAVIA THERE NEEDS TO BE CHANGE. I HAVE WRITTEN 'TIME TO CHANGE' AT THE TOP OF MY DESIGN. YOU SEE, TIM, CHILDREN IN MY VILLAGE OF KROGSTYZYKA OFTEN CONTRACT TETANUS WHEN PERFECTING THEIR PARALLEL BARS ROUTINE. IT IS SAD BUT REALITY. YOU UNDERSTAND THE HUMAN CONDITION. THE CHILDREN BECOME TOO WEAK TO EXERCISE THEIR UNUSUALLY BROAD SHOULDERS, AND EVENTUALLY LIMBS ARE SEVERED." Tim Gunn notes her design and says, "This looks boring to me," and skips off to Althea's mannequin. He advises the blonde beaut on her overly busy design. "Try being objective and looking at your fabric upside-down," he says. "Because right-side up it's dog shit."
Lastly, in a wonderful moment, Tim Gunn struts over to Johnny, who is just puckering newspaper and pretending it'll go somewhere, and gives him the following cautions. "I'm woeful, Johnny. It looks like a bunch of kindergarteners did it. The birds may attack this dress!" Then, as Johnny frets and starts fixing his dreck, Tim turns away from the dress because he can't bear to look at it. Johnny eventually throws out his design and tries for something new, but we'll get to that drama later. Irina also reimagines her dress, and this time she crumples newspaper to make a lovely, voluminous collar and sleeves -- very similar to Laura Bennett's Season Three robe dress. Copying Laura Bennett is always a key to victory, even if the victory is just acknowledged within the beating of my heart.
When we arrive at the final runway show, Heidi throws up her arms and announces, "Nope! Nina and Michael aren't back yet. That better be one hell of a giant stuffed panda they're winning." Her co-judges today are Tommy Hilfiger (who looks more like a wind-burnt Jackson Browne than ever), Zoe Glassner (who is some person), and Eva Longoria-Parker. Let's investigate the runways greatest and lamest hits!
-Althea has crafted an incredible cross-hatched dress that fits the model like one of Victoria Beckham's hard, shrink-wrap-emulating looks. The cross-hatches all bend and curve in such a flattering way that Eva Longoria-Parker will grab her own ass at some point and caw at the moon.
-Johnny's dress is a basic strapless newspaper number with a jagged bustline and hem. There's not much more to say. Other than Johnny's huge, huge lie -- he defends his dress by saying that he had created another, better dress, and he accidentally ruined it in a mythical ironing accident. Nicolas, who is also left on the runway for his horrid, cockroach-looking contraption, starts giggling. Heidi perks up and makes the two of them fight, and she mutters under her breath, "These gay people are the feistiest ant farm ever."
-Gordana, unfortunately, lands in the bottom three. Her dress is cute, red-orange, and basic. Heidi deems it too wearable, and Gordana, a genius, responds, "I thought the challenge was about making something wearable out of the unwearable." Right, shut your goddamn mouth, Heidi.
Lo and behold, Johnny is eliminated, which is a bit of surprise considering Nicolas's wretched Roach Motel look slipped by. Johnny's last, meth-y words: "Giving up addiction was easier to do than this." I'm starting to think "meth" was a code word for "excessive masturbation," or something. Because that statement is outrageous. Better yet, after Johnny has been sent to pack up his things, Tim Gunn addresses the remaining designers and announces, "I just thought Johnny's lying on the runway was utterly preposterous. Didn't you? He offended the very nerve center of Project Runway, the totem of fashion in a world so blithely dressed in flip-flops and fannypacks. It just comes to show that some people deserve a horrible drug addiction, am I right? Whatever. Seal's in back, but if he weren't here, I'd administer a pile-driver to Johnny myself."
Will Michael and Nina return next week? Hope seems bleak. Seriously, a challenge set in Krogstyzyka would perk this up. Otherwise, Project Runway took a positive turn this week -- and I hope Booth Moore's final facial expression was a proud smile.