True Blood Recapped: Scrambled Eggs

Episode 12 - Beyond Here Lies Nothin'

[Apologies for this True Blood finale recap coming a day late, as TIFF scheduling got in the way.]

We pick things up right where we left off two weeks ago, with Sookie in her bedroom as Tara, Eggs and Lafayette -- pupils dilated to the size of your average Phishhead -- rejoice over the arrival of a large egg signifying that "he is here." By "he" I assume Tara means Dionysus, but she could just as easily be referring to the Easter Bunny, or maybe Eggs himself? They never really did explain why they call Eggs Eggs.

Lafayette instructs Sooks to strip down (we see what he sees, thanks to the use of the handy AfterEffects Maenad Trance™ filter), and she puts on a white dress, then goes downstairs to find Maryann in her grandmother's wedding dress. She shoos off her betoga'd handmaidens and demands Sookie rub her wool socks on the carpet and shock her again, just like she did the last time, and explains that Sam is her "vessel" and that his heart is the "food of the gods." She then places a wreath on her head and declares it a Good Thing.

Back at Sophie the Vampire Queen's swimming pool room, she waxes on at length about how awesome Yahtzee is, and how it's been played for thousands of years and is named for an ancient Transylvanian royal known as Duke László Yahtzee. Eric, hoping to solved the Maryann problem, pretends to care. Sophia confronts him about Bill finding out about her little V Juice business, then jumps him, swearing she could wear his "fangs as earrings" if she wanted to. Fangings! I have a pair -- they go with everything.

Detective Andy and Jason, weighed down in ammo and weaponry with cute nicknames, sneak up on Grammy's House of Ill-Repute for some zombie shootin'. Within 20 seconds, they're both black-eyed and horny and Jason is making out with Doris Roberts. Sookie, in a bridesmaid dress she hates and tied up to a chair (that's a symbol for how all bridesmaids feel) demands to know where the giant egg came from. Maryann says it's an ostrich egg -- we totally called that! -- and Arlene threateningly orders her to "lick it." Just as an aside, this entire scene reminds me of an all-twink production of The Bacchae I once saw in West Hollywood that scarred me for life. Jason grabs his sister and the wedding begins, as Bill appears with an offering of Sam. (Don't worry -- they have a plan!)

Maryann's mouth waters with the thought of all the delicious Sam's Heart delicacies she's about to indulge in, then summons Dionysus by asking for her "bull-horned god." Sam is brought out like a roast suckling, and Eggs plunges a dagger in his chest. WTF, Eggs! Sookie reads Sam's fading mind, and follows his instructions to destroy the ostrich egg and altar. This pisses Maryann off, and she does all her tricks -- vibrating, dolphin sounds, chicken feet, you name it. Just as she's about to sink her claws into Sookie, a white bull saunters up, and Maryann invites it to mount her. It gores her instead. Awesome. But wait -- the bull transforms into naked Sam! And pulls out her black heart! And she shrivels up and dies! And the spell is broken! Bill comes stumbling up -- he promised he'd heal Sam, and is depleted from all the restorative Bill-blood Sam hungrily lapped up from his vampire veins. Ah, there's nothing quite like a satisfying happy ending. But isn't there, like, half an episode left?

Yes there is! So we get a series of sort of pointless "after the storm" scenes set to acoustic guitar. Released from her trance, Hoyt asks his mom if what she said about his probably-gay-dad killing himself -- turns out it was. Andy gets his job back. Jane finds her finger. Bill and Sam say something meaningful to one another. Sookie and Bill embrace. Arlene reacquaints herself with her kids. The Bon Temps Weather Girls theorize that aliens, pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media are to blame. Eggs begs Sookie to help him remember what happened during his blackout -- she does, and he realizes he was Maryann's heavy. He took out Miss Jeanette's heart, he stabbed Daphne, he poured salt in Hoyt's mom's peach pie, causing her to lose the bake-off!

Sam returns to his childhood home, where his dying father hands him a paper with the names of his natural birth parents. Meanwhile distraught Eggs wanders up to Andy, waving his knife and insisting he be locked up for murder. Thinking he's going to kill Andy, Jason shoots him, and Andy wipes the prints off the gun and tells Jason to take off and not tell anyone. Everyone comes running out to see what happened, and Andy says he's the one who shot him. (Why he covers for Jason isn't exactly clear.) Tara sobs as her lover lays dying. It's always sad when a fairly extraneous character gets offed in a season finale, but as we all know, it has to happen.

Over a romantic dinner, Bill offers a pair of tickets to Burlington, VT (birthplace of Ben &J erry's and legal gay vampire marriage!), and then an engagement ring. Sookie begins to cry, saying she's not sure who she is, and scampers away from the table to clean herself up. She takes a long, meaningful glance in the mirror, then slides the ring on. Like magic, her mind-reader's tears dry up. As Bill waits concernedly outside, a chain grabs him from the neck! Sookie emerges to say she'll accept his hand in marriage -- but there's signs of a struggle, and Bill's not there.

End! Of! Season!