The holiday weekend, during which we'll all hop from BBQ to BBQ to celebrate the memory of the labor we used to perform before prosperity disappeared down a black hole, is nearly upon us, and a long, difficult summer is finally drawing to a close. And so we pause to take a quick inventory of the thoughts that have been piling up in the corner, clearing out some mental cobwebs before we return on Tuesday, ready for whatever magic Hollywood has in store for us this Fall...
All I know about Steve is that Sandra Bullock can run pretty fast in red go-go boots. And that her character is pretty obviously a bunny-boiling maniac. Lighthearted summer fun... Chris Brown might not have seemed that sincere, but the guy really knows how to dress. Try and find a turquiose bowtie anywhere now... Now that I think about it, Bullock's not actually chasing Bradley Cooper in a van, she's chasing Life. Look a little deeper into Steve, I think you'll find something important there... Everyone's talking about healthcare, but no one wants to address that we're sending death-row inmates into battle via deadly videogames. Misplaced priorities [sigh]... Mark my words, Gerard Butler is the new Eric Bana. Congratulations, Gerard. The phone's going to ring Tuesday morning, and Drew Barrymore's gonna be on the line... A good PR firm could've gotten those District 9 "prawns" (ugh, I hate to even type that base term ) rebranded as "langoustines." Rogers & Cowan, get on that, please, and go pro bono for the social good... On set, Michael Bay's not really a Hitler type, he's more of a Papa Doc Duvalier... Speaking of which, one of these days, Shia LaBeouf's people are going to sit him down and convince him to finally make the rock opera about hobos we've all been waiting for.. True story, the Gamer/Crank guys got their start kicking cameras down flights of stairs and screaming at the broken camera parts. 50 million YouTube hits. Crazy, I know... Critics shouldn't complain about not getting certain movies screened for them ahead of time. They're gonna be terrible, so why get bent out of shape that you're missing them?... Studio sources tell us that Martin Lawrence is chubbing up instead of going for the latex fat suit for Big Momma's House 3, but it's not going well. This afternoon he was found in an LA intersection, threatening motorists with a Twinkie he believed to be a Glock in his dehydrated mania. Sad, but admirable commitment to craft... You ever wonder if Jay Leno has a closet full of denim shirts, or if he has one "lucky" shirt he just launders at the end of every day? I do (but I think he has lots and lots of shirts, he's quite wealthy)... I'd vote for Robin Williams for "World's Greatest Dad." With all those crazy voices, it's gotta be a pretty fun home. Gonna go Google what that movie's about. Oh dear... People seem really divided on the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are, but I think it looks terrific. Sad kids and monsters with big heads, it's pretty simple... David Carradine, that was a shock... Tyler Perry just can't do bad, by himself or with some help. He's a hidden treasure... Teen vampires, I totally get it. Fangs! Grrr!... Ben Lyons is gonna get another shot at a critic gig, he's just too much of a film nerd to sit on the sidelines... Jerkin', I get that, too. It's all wiggly knees and positivity, what's not to love... The Final Destination is a film with an important message: if you're about to die, don't fight it, unless you want your skull mashed in by a flaming racecar tire at a later date... Station Fire: The Burning of Los Angeles, Vinny Chase is a slam-dunk for that. Hit Ari and E on the Blackberry... Are you people gone yet? Because this derivative bit is really dragging, and I'd love to go get drunk now... Paula Abdul's doing a show in Vegas. You know: What happens in Vegas, stays in a pharmaceutical-induced haze in Vegas, then wakes up in a high-end casino villa with a basket of muffins and a cryptic love note from Rita Rudner in Vegas... OK, I'm really headed to the bar now, Larry and Army keep sending me annoying Where are u? texts, so happy Labor Day, everybody... Bonus ellipses in case some are missing above: ... ... ...