First Farrah. Then Michael. Now an American Idol worth watching. If we weren't sure that God was dead before, we now have conclusive evidence. With Kara DioGuardi standing atop the spinning Idol gyroscope, exhaling a powerful gust of fire-laughter as she triumphantly lifts a Coca-Cola-branded pitchfork to the smoky vortex that was once the sky, we thought we'd look back at some of the greatest moments in the Golden Reign of Paula Abdul.
9. Paula's Chihuahua, Tulip, Farts Loudly on Billy Bush
If you're wondering whether or not Paula is something worth rooting for, watch as her trained lap-rodent rips one on cue in Access Hollwood host Billy Bush's face. You'll instantly join the team.
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8. Paula Squeezes All Her Judging Cliches Into One Run-On Babbling Assessment of Forgettable Idol Contestant
"Made it your own." "Effortless." "Vulnerability." "Bright light." "You're real." "Presence." "Unique." She hits them all in about a minute.
7. Paula Gives E! Audiences a Zonked Sneak Peek at American Idol Season 6
This could well be the most incoherent Paula moment ever captured, which is saying a lot. Things take a turn for the worse around the 1:30 mark, when the red carpet Ken Doll has to -- "Double?" -- finish her sentences. Make hers a triple!
6. Paula Relates the Great Confuscian Proverb About Moths, Melons and Cornflakes
When she veered off her Idol judge's script, things often grew quite surreal, as evidenced by this lepidopterous assessment of an Idol contestant.
5. Paula Sells QVC Jewelry, Spazily
Paula's second career act also included pushing her accessory lines of meshy bandannas and jangly trinket-jewelry on QVC, where she mastered what's become known in the industry as the "fuzzy sell."
4. The Hey, Paula 'Where's God When You Need Him?' Meltdown
Paula's Bravo reality show gave us a side to her many simply weren't prepared for. Watch now as she digests the news, via BlackBerry, that her services would no longer be needed on Bratz: The Movie -- a project she sank the entirety her heart and soul into, for some reason.
3. Paula's Infamous Satellite News Tour: Seattle
This series of appearances, shot from a single chair in front of a purple fabric backdrop that suggested the inside of a whale's stomach, are now legendary. In this one, two perky Seattle Fox anchors do their best to pull Paula past the finish line. Unfortunately, the wheelbarrow gets stuck in the mud along the way.
2. Paula's Infamous Satellite News Tour: San Francisco
For contrast, here's an extremely uncomfortable exchange with perhaps the most humorless entertainment reporter we've ever seen. The guy should be hosting Nazi docs on The History Channel. So she's loaded -- give Paula a break!
1. Paula Traverses Space-Time Continuum
This was shocking yes, but equally exhilarating, as a last-minutes format change led Paula to assess both of Jason Castro's performances -- even though he had only sung one song. Roads? Where she's going, they don't need roads.