True Blood Recapped: Boy Parts, Girl Parts and Vampire Parts

Pity the life of the True Blood recapsicist, where analyzing sexless field orgies is just part of the job. We begin where we left off last week, at the massive Beau Temps field orgy, with a baffled Detective Andy stumbling upon the proceedings. Here's a couple observations, off-hand, about this orgy:

1. No one is actually engaged in sex. They're just sort of moaning, undulating, and holding each other at arm's length.

2. This one scene has more glimpses of penis in it than in an entire season of Hung. I counted four separate penises in it, and pushed my DVR's technical capabilities to the very limits in doing so.

3. As for the ladies, I couldn't help but noticing that the Landing Strip isn't just a coastal thing -- it's a popular feminine grooming style in deep Louisiana, as well!

Anyway, Sam escapes by the skin of his crow feathers, and Andy pulls a gun, leading Terry to break his arm? Possibly? Or just sprain it real bad? Then Terry laughs callously as Andy writhes in pain on the ground. Poor Detective Andy.

We find Sookie and Hugo penned up in a basement, where Hugo is having a panic attack. Sookie is confused as to why Bill isn't coming to her rescue. Meanwhile, back at the Dallas hotel (this hotel bill is going to astronomical -- they've been there for a month now!), Bill and Lorena continue to bicker. They flashback once more -- this time to the 1930s Hollywood, which give them an opportunity to play dress-up in fancy gowns and silk paisley smoking jackets. She offers up a doe-eyed starlet for feasting, but he finally realizes they their little partnership is corrupt and releases the apricot-scented prey. He then angrily confronts Lorena, who calls him a "wet blanket," and he pledges he'll "never again be what you want me to be" before storming out. Back in the present, he pledges to drive a "stake through whatever semblance of a heart you have left" if she dares lay a hand on Sookie. This elicits much laughter from Lorena, but you can tell she hurts inside.

Eric questions Melania Trump about her interspecies relationship with Hugo. We all know what that's all about -- Eric has the hots for Sookie! Eric assures his only interest is in his longtime-maker-companion, Godric.

Extremely blonde Jason and Sarah are cuddling for some post-coitus pillow talk. Sarah seems distraught, and crying out of happiness, telling Jason, "I never even knew what love was until you just showed me." This freaks Jason out, all the more so when she says they need to go directly to Steve to tell them what they've just done. He convinces her not to do that, what with Steve having a large arsenal of vampire-killing weapons at his disposal, which work just as well on pretty-boy humans and cheating wives.

Hoyt and Jessica are making out, and he admits to her that he's a 28-year-old virgin, something that just snuck up on him after waiting for someone special all these years. Jessica agrees to being his first, strips down to her bra and panties, then snaps the lollipop back by saying Tonight is Not the Night. However, Hoyt's cuddle-virginity is about to be popped like a freshly baked cherry turnover!

Eric broods over the potential loss of Godric, and gives the OK to murder everyone in The Capri-Sun Church of the Holy Juice Box, as Tara and Eggs wake up with a serious case of The Hangovers. OMG -- I just realized I totally saw Zach Galifianakis' wang at that field orgy! I hate rolling blackouts.

Rev. Steve taunts Sookie and Hugo (who has no discernible personality traits), and Hugo spills everything in a moment of weakness. Steve puts 2 and 2 Stackhouses together and realizes Sookie is Jason's sister. Sookie sends a psychic distress message to Barry the Telepathic Bellboy; when she's done, a woman's voice instructs her to press 1 if she's happy with her message, 2 if she wants to re-record the message, and 3 if she wants to just page him.

Lorena continues to hold Bill hostage as the two grow weaker, and he's reduced to begging. She crushes a phone that looks a lot like a TV remote in her hands (bitch!) and then reveals that Eric has the Hots for Sookie (double bitch!). Meanwhile, Jason tries to hightail it out of boot camp before his overactive wang gets found out, but gets abducted by Rev. Steve and his heavy.

Detective Andy, now in a cast, describes what he seen to Larry from Newhart. Maryann returns to Sookie's place barefoot and covered in blood, carrying a dead rabbit. Steve strongarms Jason, accusing him of working for the vampire enemy, and pledges he's going to "hell today."

Sam approaches Daphne from behind holding a handgun. (Daphne looks a lot like a young Victoria Principal, I just realized.) Daphne clearly drank the rabbit-flavored Maryann Kool-Aid. She calls him a "flea" in comparison to Maryann, and explains that while Maryann can control humans, shape shifters and supernaturals are immune -- meaning Daphne helps mean old Maryann out of her own free will! Sam demands to know what she is, and Daphne explains that Maryann is a Maenad, then launches into a long explanation of what those are. (Servant of Dionysus = Satan's minion = chickenfooted anti-Christ.) Finally, some explanation as to what Maryann is! Now everything makes sense! Except here's a question: If she's such evil hotstuff, why can't she outrun a shape-shifting Beagle Man? Huh? Stumped you, didn't I!

Meanwhile, Sookie has a vision, realizing Hugo is really a turncoat: He's in the Fellowshop! He's bitter because Melania Trump refused to convert him! That said, he still has no discernible personality traits. Jason, meanwhile, is being led to the slaughter by Rev. Steve's heavy, who says something really rude about Sookie, leading Jason to fly into a protective brotherly rage and ... kick the heavy in his knee and escape! Attaboy!

Lafayette, our old drag queen friend. How you been? Looks like someone's been dolling themselves up real pretty-like! Jason meanwhile gets stopped in the middle of a dark road as he flees from camp -- by Sarah, who shoots him! Oh no! Jason has been shot! That could mortally wound him, until next week, when a vampire heals him. The stakes are so high on True Blood I can hardly stand it! (Pun fully intended, now that I realize that I accidentally made a pun.) Cut to Eggs, who is all black-eyed and stabs Daphne, as Maryann laughs. Everyone's being killed! (Daphne, on the other hand, ain't coming back, I reckon. A moment of silence for Daphne, everyone.)

Rev. Steve's heavy, meanwhile, in a fit of rage, tries to violate/harm Sookie, who alerts Bill with her Terror Mindrays. Flashback to '30 Hollywood, where Bill once again is begging for his freedom from Lorena his Maker, and calls her the "saddest, loneliest creature I have ever known." (Raise your hand if you're bored of the Bill Stuck in a Hotel Room with Lorena plotline.)

Back at the hotel, Barry the Bellhop delivers the telepathic message from outside the room, and Eric intercepts it, zooming out of his room, just as Barry gets pulled into another room, all fast and vampire-like. (This took a couple of repeat viewing to fully assess.) Just as Sookie is about to be raped by the heavy, someone grabs him...But it's not Eric! It's Godric! He looks like a member of 98 Degrees!

END OF EPISODE!