I'm still a little shocked by some of the actually good Emmy nominations today (I said "some" -- I'm still gritting my teeth over the whole Family Guy thing), but I'm not so rattled that I wouldn't share with you my favorite part of this annual day: cataloging and ranking the nominees who, when interviewed this morning, pretended they had no idea the nominations were announced today. This is an assertion that violates two immutable rules:
1) Actors are vain
2) Actors have publicists that have been guiding them to this very day for months now
So! Who tried to pull the wool over our eyes?
GLENN CLOSE
THR: "Last year's lead drama actress winner, Glenn Close, was ironing when the nominations were announced and found out from her personal trainer that she received her second nom for Damages. 'This is my ironing day,' she joked."
SCORE (out of 10): 9. You're a liar, Glenn Close, a liar! But does your lie conceal an elaborate double cross and an intent to put out a hit on me? Your implacable face reveals nothing. Dammit, I guess this is why you're so good at what you do.
JOHN SLATTERY
THR: "'I didn't find out until I checked my messages while walking the dog,' John Slattery said of his nomination for supporting actor in a drama series. 'I was bending over picking up dog shit, but doing it while finding out something like this is the best way.'"
SCORE: 6. The Mad Men cast is currently shooting their third season, and you'd better believe they were talking about the Emmys on set this week. Who wants to show up for their 10am call and accidentally say "Congrats" to the snubbed January Jones, y'know?
MARY-LOUISE PARKER
THR: "Six-time Emmy nominee Mary-Louise Parker was lying in bed with her son 'talking about the Loch Ness Monster' when she noticed her phone message light on, checked her voicemail and found that fellow best actress in a comedy nominee Christina Applegate had called to congratulate her."
SCORE: 5. Parker is just quirky enough that we could believe this, but we simply don't buy Applegate would beat Parker's publicist to the punch. I mean, Jesus, Christina! Call your mom first or something. You can save the Mary-Louise call for the fourth hour of the Today Show, OK?
JIMMY SMITS
THR: "Jimmy Smits was 'woken up like cattle' when his publicist called to inform him of his nomination as guest actor in a drama series for his stint as good guy gone bad Miguel Prado on Dexter."
SCORE: 3. Boo, you're boring. Boring reaction. Go over-the-top, like you did on Dexter.
SETH GREEN
THR: "Seth Green had two reasons to celebrate Thursday with nominations for Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II in the best animated program and voice-over categories. The executive producer/creator (with Matthew Senreich) didn't know he'd been nominated until after he woke up. 'My publicist had been trying to call me for a while, but I don't have a house phone. My cell phone was off and she didn't reach me until after I woke up.'"
SCORE: 7. No one has a house phone, not least of all actors. Publicists know this. In the event that a client's cell phone would be off on a day like today, any good rep would grab an emergency kit and a flare gun and head over to the actor's Bel Air-adjacent manse to deliver the news personally.
JACK MCBRAYER
THR: "30 Rock's Jack McBrayer found out he was nominated for best supporting actor in a comedy series when he happened to pick up his landline -- usually reserved for 'telemarketers and faxes.' 'My phone had been off and right when I picked it up, Amy Adams was calling me.'"
SCORE: 8. 30 Rock is too much of an Emmy juggernaut for this day to have escaped McBrayer, even if he's as guileless as his character. Still, points for being randomly alerted by Amy Adams, of all people. I guess they really are friends, TMZ!