Time now for another True Blood recap, where Bon Temps appears to be quickly devolving into something resembling a Brett Ratner backyard casting call. (Don't take the one with the black eyes into the Swedish Sauna, Brett! She'll go all Species on your ass!)
It's after dark at the Fellowship of the Sun Empowerment Getaway, and Jason steps in the bunks and is horrified to discover all his fellow Circle Squarers massacred by vampires. He's tackled by Jealous Luke, who pretends to be a vampire, and a defiant Jason says, "Fuck you," to which Luke says, "That can be arranged." So I guess that means Luke Pretending to be a Vampire is a Power Bottom. Once the lights come up and Jason realizes it was all a set-up, he punches Luke in the face -- breaking his nose in the process -- and declares, "Vampires are NOT a JOKE!" (I beg to differ: Q. What is a vampire's favorite fruit? A: A necktarine!) A newly hard-line Jason starts speaking in George W. Bush-esque terms of being either with him or against him when it comes to The War on Vampire.
Back at Bill's Shabby Chic Emporium, he stumbles upon Jessica the Sulky Tween Vampire, who's hooked up with a Tranny-chaser (short for Transylvanian-chaser, or vampire fetishist). This angers him greatly, as the only one going to have mixed-race hot sex under his roof is Bill! The Tranny chaser leaves without a fight, but clearly has feelings for Jessica as he walks out. Jessica tells Bill she'd never kissed a boy before, giggles, then runs up the stairs for some reason. Sookie then delivers some very unconvincing dialogue about how much she's growing to like Jessica, and suggests bringing her along on the trip to Dallas. Bla ba boring conversation about bridging the gap between vampires and humans. Get over it! You shop at Loehmann's, you're basically human. Bill finally breaks down and orders a second coffin for Jessica, which pleases Sookie to no end. Yay! Third wheel on their first vacation. Who wouldn't be psyched?
Sam skinny dips with his inept employee. I hope he doesn't turn into a beagle. That could get awkward -- or even worse, a dog that hates the water! Like a labradoodle. She climbs onto the dock, and Sam notices that she has a really severe case of bacne. Ick! Oh wait, those scars look more like a pterodactyl landed on her back and carried her around for a few hours. In any case, backless dresses are OUT until that clears up. Sam is visibly upset.
At Maryann's place, Tara informs her it's time for her to spread her wings and leave the commune. She tells Maryann to say goodbye to Eggs Benedict, then Maryann says "go, flourish, don't ever say no to yourself..." adding, "And don't try to make off with a bathrobe! Carl the Towel-Obsessed Houseboy counts every single one and you WILL be charged...Byeeeeee!"
Back at Sookie's place, she gifts her new roommate Tara with a badly Photoshopped picture of them as kids with her deceased grandmother. This moves Tara to tears, probably because what she really wanted was a video iPhone. Sookie admits she's going to Dallas so the vampires can use her mind-reading skills, a deal she made in exchange for Lafayette's freedom.
Miss Jeanette, it turns out, had the same deep scratches on her back in addition to having her heart carved out of her chest. Basically Miss Jeanette is looking terrible lately. Detective Andy argues with Sheriff Larry about his drinking, and is forced to give up his badge.
Tara visits cousin Lafayette, who you'd think would be in a way better mood considering he's no longer neck-shackled to a slave wheel and pooping in a pot. At this point it's pretty obvious that this episode sucks (and not in the funny vampire-pun way). Sookie and Sam kill some time discussing whether or not Sam is going to go away, as Sam moves boxes. Scintillating!
Tedd Haggard-in-training Steve Newlin takes his special Golden Boy Jason out for some vampire target practice, at which point Jason reveals he's actually killed a vampire before. This does things to Steve's triple-pleated pants.
Tara is suprised to tears by Maryann, Eggs Benedict Arnold Drummond, and Keith the Houseboy, who bring over a wedding cake for her birthday.
Back at Newlins, Steve gets Jason liquored, clearly getting ready to make his move. The preacher's wife Sarah, meanwhile, fellates a beer bottle in slow-motion to honky tonk music, which could be construed as sexual. With all three of them wearing bibs, Steve reveals his grand scheme to create Soldiers of the Sun, and recruits Jason. This entire subplot feels about as authentic as Maryann's botoxed forehead. In any case, Jason doesn't need much convincing. He's in!
Detective Andy continues to feed his drinking problem. Arlene tells everyone there's a big party at Sookie's in honor of Tara's birthday. Tara's mom Fantasia Barrino comes into Merlotte's looking for Tara, with a gift for her daughter. Then she storms out.
Sookie and the vampires (whose coffins are all sleek and look like hi-tech toboggans) arrive at an airport hangar in Dallas; Sookie is tanked on airplane booze, but reads the limo driver's mind, who seems to be up to no good. Bill jumps out of his toboggan in time to pop out his fangs and threaten the driver.
Back at Tara's party, a bunch of people Tara doesn't know (they're probably enrolled with Eggs at Landmark Forum) show up to celebrate her birthday and shower her with gifts. Maryann sees the gift from her mother and tosses it into the bushes.
Back in the gay barracks, Luke is reading a Time cover story on "Vampire Marriage" (get it? It's like Gay Marriage, but it's with vampires!) and Jason struts in and shows off about his membership in Soldiers of the Sun. Jealous Luke tells him they just want him to give Sarah "the hot beef injection." Jason gets really offended, as that's no way to talk about a preacher's wife who was just fellating a beer bottle in slow motion.
Back at the rave, Tara and Eggs partake in Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, then take it up to the bedroom to partake in Having Sex, the Forbidden Carnal Act.
Eric pops by Lafayette's place to offer him some of his own blood to heal his gangrene-infected leg. Eric says he's doing it for Sookie. Hmmm....Eric has a thing for Sookie! Vampire love triangle!
In Dallas, they elicit information from the limo driver using their vampire mind tricks -- they were set up by Fellowship of the Sun. Eric confirms as much over the phone as a newly rehabilitated Lafayette recreates the famous ottoman YouTube video in the background. Eric meets Bill in Dallas, and reveals his allegiances to Godric -- an ancient vampire who is supremely powerful, whom he hopes to rescue from human clutches. At Sookie's, Sam tries to tell his new waitress girlfriend with the ridged back his flea-bitten secret, but she stops him before he can and says she knows what he is.
OK, I definitely just saw Eggs's ass, which wasn't runny. (See above.) Maryann is alone, vibrating -- she makes her own fun! The orgy is turning into a food fight -- lots of frosting smearing going on. Now Maryann has giant chicken feet hands! (Also see above.)
Back at the Dallas hotel, Sookie considers ordering in some Pay Per View gay porn; Barry the Bellhop brings up some room service man-meat for Jessica -- and Sookie realizes that Barry is a mind-reader too! He takes off down the hall.
THE END!