Oh hey, remember Project Runway? It's OK if you don't, because Lifetime will explain it to you: It's a fun show that fat, heterosexual cops and women from the mall can watch together! In fact, let's meet this new season's crop of female designers and their hilarious gay BFF's, shall we?
Mitchell Hall, 26
Tim Says: "Mitchell looks like he just stepped out of Gossip Girl and I think that's who he'd like to design for."
We Say: The sort of handsome-but-limited contestant who Bravo would have milked for a shirtless moment in each of his three episodes. Can Lifetime oblige?
Ari Fish, 26
Tim Says: "She's deeply conceptual."
We Say: And is that concept "I'm a lesbian who's wearing the velcro outfit from Brüno"?
Christopher Straub, 30
Tim Says: "Christopher is very sensitive, very emotional. He wears his emotions on his sleeve."
We Say: We've found our crier!
Louise Black, 32
Tim Says: "Thoughtful, contemplative, and never a hair out of place."
We Say: "Dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar."
Johnny Sakalis, 30
Tim Says: "Johnny will be polarizing. People will love him, or hate him."
We Say: A pudgy, hat-wearing loudmouth? How did Johnny escape from his sure berth on Top Chef?
Irina Shabayeva, 27
Tim Says: "Her models look as if they've been in for a dozen fittings, and they haven't."
We Say: Translation: Her clothes are skintight. Prediction: The first to coax a puckered "Vulgar!" from Michael Kors.
Gordana Gehlhausen, 45
Tim Says: "It wouldn't be a case of going shopping and using the fabric she brought back. She'd do things to it."
We Say: Uli in short shorts! Sold.
Epperson, 50
Tim Says: "He is the most senior in terms of design career and reputation. He has a distinguished career. He's elder-statesmanlike."
We Say: Boring. Take a cue from Gordana and show a little leg or something!
Nicolas Putvinski, 27
Tim Says: "If you have such a bad taste in your mouth about American fashion, why are you here?"
We Say: Or, more to the point, why are you wearing that?
Shirin Askari, 25
Tim Says: "She's young, she's pretty, she's articulate. I'm not sure what is distinctive about her, other than the fact that she's good."
We Say: Translation: "I can hardly remember her because she got auf'd immediately."
Qristyl Frazier, 42
Tim Says: "Qristyl is a hoot. She likes a lot of color, and print. She's entertaining to watch."
We Say: I have nothing to say -- I'm too transfixed by Qristyl's enormous bosom, which no doubt outdoes this season's models combined.
Logan Neitzel, 25
Tim Says: "Logan's from Seattle, and you get a crunch-granola feeling in what he does."
We Say: His official description claims he is a "guy's guy." I think that means something different than Lifetime thinks it does.
Carol Hannah Whitfield, 24
Tim Says: "She's young, just out of design school. People will be disarmed by what they see her achieve."
We Say: Kirsten Dunst + Amanda from Ugly Betty + a restitched couch.
Ra'mon-Lawrence Coleman, 31
Tim Says: "He's someone who in my view thinks entirely too much. I was constantly surprised in the workroom - suddenly, there's a new design."
We Say: Didn't we already have a Jerell?
Malvin Vien, 24
Tim Says: "When you see this guy, you won't believe he's from Colorado."
We Say: They do have Asians there, Tim.
Althea Harper, 25
Tim Says: "Everyone [thinks] she's only on the show because she's a tall blond beauty. But she's extremely talented. She's going to blow people away."
We Say: I can't picture the fashion point-of-view, but I can picture the forlorn voice-over as she blow dries her hair each morning.