This Is It. Yes, that was the title of Michael Jackson's farewell tour, and, sadly, it proves as fitting a title for our final goodbyes to him at Downtown L.A.'s Staples Center -- a decade-old venue synonymous with tasteful funeration. The tone is "subdued" inside the arena, reports NBC news, where the stage is bathed in dark blue lights and a projection using a font not unlike our own declares "In Loving Memory of Michael Jackson King of Pop 1958-2009." Join us now as we chronicle this historic ceremony, minute by minute. HEE HEE.
12:46 And that's that. There was no Justin Timberlake. But there was Corey Feldman. R.I.P. King of Pop.
12:44 Janet doesn't speak. Paris speaks. That was very sad. :'(
12:43 Janet Speaks!
12:38 No matter how you try to justify it, there's simply no excuse in walking out on a grieving brother's parting thoughts to avoid the massive traffic jam on the way out of a pop icon's funeral. (Especially when he's telling the story of the twin who didn't make it.)
12:36 Brooke Shields was just upstaged by some white guy with peroxided spikey hair...which was exactly what she was afraid would happen.
12:34 If I hated the song "Heal the World" and its arm-waving children when he was alive, do I have to pretend to like it when he's dead? Can't we turn this into a New Orleans-ish wake and get a beat and some horns going? "Don't Stop?" No? OK.
12:29 You know what really puts "We Are The World" over the top? Very famous, very recognizable voices. Otherwise it just comes off sounding like something you'd hear at a funeral. Oh -- oops. Never mind.
12:23 Britain's Got Talent discovery Shaheen Jafargholi sings "Who's Loving You," then This Is It director Kenny Ortega explains Jackson invited young Shaheen to sing at his London concerts. Susan Boyle is currently throwing a couple cats at her TV screen in an explosively jealous rage.
12:17 Joe and Kate Plus Nine approve of Smokey's tender remembrances of the young, supernaturally talented Michael. On a side note: is it just us, or are those sparkly gloves his brothers are wearing just some of those high-tech oven mitts they sell at Home Depot?
12:14 You know, Usher really is the rightful heir to Michael's legacy. Except we'd never buy an Usher album, so it's not quite a direct lineage.
12:10 OH MY GOD -- during this slide show, we saw a photo of a strange bearded man with his hand deep inside Kermit the Frog, as Michael just stood there and did nothing.
12:07 Lee introduces a resolution to be debated in Congress floor that would make Michael something of an officially, government-recognized National Treasure. We await Pete King's YouTube response.
12:03 Texas Democratic Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee recalls the time Michael greeted African ambassadors to discuss AIDS prevention, and emanated an unmistakable "twinkle."
11:58 Is this the daughter holding up the DreamWorks MLK biopic? E.T. looks annoyed with her.
11:56 Martin Luther King III likens Michael to a variety of roadside shrubberies and then calls him history's greatest practitioner of the ancient art of street-sweepery. What he lacks in coherent metaphors he makes up for in VOLUME and EMPhaSIS.
11:54 Jermaine just sang a touching tribute -- the song "Smile." Until we can replace it with something more recent, we're going to have to use our Jermaine file photo. Sorry.
11:53 Thanks, STV! I'm back now. (Seth -- not Michael. Don't get excited.)
11:44 Brooke Shields is winding down her poignant, moving -- holy crap is that Corey Feldman?
11:35 Grocery stores everywhere will be rocking John Mayer's smooth-rock version of "Human Nature" by the end of the memorial or Wednesday morning, whichever comes first.
11:31 More Sharpton, this time to MJ's kids: "Wasn't nothin' strange about your daddy. It was strange what your Daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it anyway! He dealt with it for us!" I presume he's talking about the Brett Ratner pajama parties?
11:27 Al Sharpton just shouted out to Ghana and Iowa in the same breath. Then attributed Obama's victory to the influence of Michael Jackson. Be sure to tip your waitresses, folks.
11:22 Jennifer Hudson is fantastic and everything with "Will You Be There," but where did they get the MJ recording that closed the number? That desperate, whimpering, tribulation stuff? Terrifying.
11:19 The crowd welcomes Kobe Bryant and Magic Johnson, the latter of whom regales the Staples Center with his story about the time he and MJ shared chicken at Neverland. I really thought the grilled bird was going to come out whole, still flapping, Jacko's Original Recipe-style. Alas. "The greatest moment of my life," Johnson says. Nobody tell Pat Riley.
11:11 Stevie Wonder drops in for a number or two. Cut to casket. Still there.
11:07 Great montage! I can only imagine how Weird Al's parody memorial Even Deader is going to top this.
11:05 Thanks, Seth! I was just gonna say that Berry Gordy seems to be eulogizing all the Jackson brothers with these tales from the old days. He calls MJ "simply the greatest entertainer that ever lived." Clap, Jermaine, clap! This only happens once!
11:00 Passing the ball to the inimitable S.T. VanAirsdale for a little while. Take it away, S.T.
10:54 Michael's "We Are the World" co-composer Lionel Richie sings his song, "Jesus Is Love." We'd have rather heard "We Are the World."
10:50 The Queen of Latifah reads a poem by Maya Angelou (who, we've recently learned, was San Francisco's first African American female cable car conductor). She likens his untimely departure to that of a "puff of wind...he took a pose on his toes and we all laughed...we are missing Michael Jackson."
10:48 Queen Latifah calls Michael "the biggest star on Earth" who let her know that "as an African-American, you could travel the world."
10:43 After some respectful words from a pastor, Mariah Carey comes out to sing "I'll Be There." Her chin beard is completely under control, but bangs are hot-rollered to within an inch of their lives, and a little too "look at me" for Michael's day.
10:39 Dead silence is interrupted by shout of "I love your Michael!" Security drags unruly mourner out of the arena and throws them into the Nokia Theatre, "Where they can yell all they want at the closed-circuit feed."
10:37 The casket is brought out, carried by pallbearers in aviator sunglasses. It's silver and covered in hundreds of roses. A choir sings "we are going to see the King." Does that mean they're going to open the casket? Applause.
10:32 Media talking heads are stretched to their very limits filling the dead air. Current topic of conversation is finding apt metaphors for this event: Pope indoctrinations, Lady Di's funeral, Bon Jovi's "Keep the Faith" Tour all cited as comparable.
10:28 An NBC correspondent explains the delay is due to Jackson family members still taking their seats. She then adds, "Which is very typical, if you know the Jacksons at all." Seriously -- who do these people thing they are, dragging their feet while the world waits for the big show in honor of their recently deceased son? Pick up the pace, shiva-sitters!
10:25 Lull continues. We blame Mariah Carey, who's a notorious diva about her chin-beard grooming.
10: 19 An awkward pause in the ceremony provides a fitting moment to discuss favorite underrated Jackson songs. We choose "State of Shock," his duet with Mick Jagger from Victory, for a highly sampleable dance-punk guitar hook.
10:15 Smokey Robinson reads some condolences and regrets from the likes of Diana Ross and Nelson Mandela. The look of frozen shock on Smokey's face conveys our own feelings about Diana's absence.