When you heard today that Universal had beat four other studios in an intense bidding war to make a film from the arcade game Asteroids, we know what you were thinking: "What?" "No really, what?" and "Couldn't they just have made a space movie with asteroids in it and avoided a whole bidding war, if they wanted an asteroids movie so bad?" Well! The answers to your questions, insolent one, are "Asteroids, that's what," "No really, Asteroids," and "They couldn't have, because the arcade game provides such excellent parts for actors." Don't believe us? Check out our casting suggestions, and leave a few of your own:
Justin Long as Spaceship
As the little guy in a big Hollywood pond, Justin Long carries the right sense of optimistic adventure that the demanding part of Spaceship requires. Plus, we're pretty sure he could master the regional "pew pew pew" accent.
Seth Rogen as The Asteroid
A chunk that breaks apart into smaller chunks? Could anyone bring this part off better than the newly slimmed-down Rogen?
Morgan Freeman as Title Screen
Freeman's gravitas would make him the perfect fit for Title Screen -- imagine the chills moviegoers would feel as America's Narrator intones the famous Asteroids line: "1 Coin, 1 Play. © 1979 Atari Inc."
Natalie Portman as High Score
Like the High Score itself, Natalie Portman carries a whiff of unattainable prestige, and if Universal added her to the film's cast, it would be a Twin Galaxies-worthy coup. It may seem like a lot of work for the actress -- after all, she'd have to be on-screen at all times -- but isn't Portman due for some outer-space atonement after the Star Wars prequels?
Mickey Rourke as Game Over
Perfectly menacing as is, and anyone familiar with Rourke's more inebriated days can attest that he knows how to bring off a pixillated face.
And we haven't even gotten to the Flying Saucer or the Hyperspace Button yet! Are we forgetting anybody? Be sure to let us know your own casting suggestions in the comments.