Michael Bay has never been one to embrace or even read film critics, and with the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, those aggrieved legions are returning the favor. And while the film is altogether review-proof, that's not going to stop some of its most determined foes from attempting to smother it in its crib. After the jump, have a look at some of the most amusingly vicious rebukes to the summer's biggest blockbuster to date.
9. "My son does not own any Transformer dolls. I'm sorry, make that Transformer action figures. But if he did, upon my return from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I would have taken these Hasbro toys outside, placed them under the wheels of the car and driven back and forth across them until they were ground into dust." -- Mary Pols, Time Magazine
8. "Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets." -- Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid
7. "At 149 minutes, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is six minutes longer than the 2007 noise machine from which this sequel sprang, but those six minutes are like dog minutes." -- Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune
6. "Fallen indulges Bay's excesses well past the point of reason to deliver the male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass." -- Garth Franklin, Dark Horizons
5. "It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay's pornography: massive, fiery money-shots. The bigger the fireball, the more he gets his rocks off. I hope he had a sufficient supply of tissues in the editing room." -- Marshall Fine, Hollywood and Fine
4. "This is the same man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust made a better deal." Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
3. "I don't have much nice to say about Transformers 2, but I'm happy to see my Park Slope neighbor John Turturro get another big paycheck." -- David Edelstein, New York Magazine
2. "I'm certain that someday it will be acknowledged that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is like the most totally awesome artifact ever of the end of the American empire. It's so us, a preposterously perfect reflection of who we are: loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent... and in love with ourselves for it. [...] What we have right here is the Easter Island statue of our legacy." -- MaryAnn Johanson, FlickFilosopher
1. "Terry Schiavo would have been bored by this bloated, ponderous piece of shit." -- Devin Faraci, CHUD
Sounds great! Feel free to protest or join the chorus below.